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Those that are supposed to live simply, making fun of....
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 9:05 am
My girls never really cared much about their clothes and where we shop. Lately though, some neighbors (that are from kollel families) started mocking my girls that they're wearing last year's clothing & cheap clothing & they themselves are only wearing expensive clothing from expensive stores. My girls are really bothered by their comments & it's bothering me for various different reasons. They're hurting my girls and they're the one's that are supposed to be living a simple lifestyle yet are mocking those that do.
How can we get the comments to stop? What can my girls say to them?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 9:11 am
The girls are bullies. That's all. Bad middos exist in all circles unfortunately.
(I'm not sure where you get that they are supposed to be living simply. That's none of your business, to be honest. There's no halacha that Kollel=simple.)
Teach your kids to own themselves and be happy with what they have. Turn a comment into a joke or matter of fact. Yeah, this is my favorite outfit and I want to wear it for a few years to come. I love getting bargain clothes at cheap prices. (FTR my very wealthy neighbor told me Target is her favorite store, and she wears clothes from there.) The key is to have confidence. I know people who have no money who kill themselves to dress above their means, and people who lack no money and dress simply. It's all about how you think of yourself, and your self-esteem.
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amother
DarkCyan


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 9:12 am
The best thing you can do is build your girls up. Tell them how wonderful they are. Tell them that clothes are more important to some people than others. “In our family we care more about…”. Don’t let it bother you and it won’t bother them. You can give them some answers to tell the other girls like “there’s really no reason to be hurtful” or “clothes aren’t so important to us” or teach them that those girls probably are lacking confidence so they can tell the girls “you really do look great in your (newest seasons) clothes”. Taking the high road always makes you feel better about yourself and also prevents unnecessary tension. It’s so hard when kids aren’t nice. Hugs!
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 9:13 am
Yes, to both Chayalla and darkcyan
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Aurora




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 9:16 am
amother OP wrote:
My girls never really cared much about their clothes and where we shop. Lately though, some neighbors (that are from kollel families) started mocking my girls that they're wearing last year's clothing & cheap clothing & they themselves are only wearing expensive clothing from expensive stores. My girls are really bothered by their comments & it's bothering me for various different reasons. They're hurting my girls and they're the one's that are supposed to be living a simple lifestyle yet are mocking those that do.
How can we get the comments to stop? What can my girls say to them?


As someone who has gotten a few of those comments when younger, all I can say is that stupid people will continue to say stupid and hurtful things.

Usually the best defense is to give the bully the biggest possible smile, and thank them for the compliment.
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amother
Almond


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 9:17 am
Sometimes the best response to someone is "Wow, that's a mean thing to say" or "Thanks for your opinion. Personally, I have different priorities, and I will continue to do things my way."
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:02 am
Chayalle wrote:
The girls are bullies. That's all. Bad middos exist in all circles unfortunately.
(I'm not sure where you get that they are supposed to be living simply. That's none of your business, to be honest. There's no halacha that Kollel=simple.)
Teach your kids to own themselves and be happy with what they have. Turn a comment into a joke or matter of fact. Yeah, this is my favorite outfit and I want to wear it for a few years to come. I love getting bargain clothes at cheap prices. (FTR my very wealthy neighbor told me Target is her favorite store, and she wears clothes from there.) The key is to have confidence. I know people who have no money who kill themselves to dress above their means, and people who lack no money and dress simply. It's all about how you think of yourself, and your self-esteem.

I usually agree with 99% of what you posted but IMHO kollel people are supposed to let their hashkafah be reflected in their life style. To be dripping in diamonds on a weekday for no special reason and claim one lives a true kollel life-sorry, but I don't buy it.
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amother
Hunter


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:13 am
Chayalle wrote:
The girls are bullies. That's all. Bad middos exist in all circles unfortunately.
(I'm not sure where you get that they are supposed to be living simply. That's none of your business, to be honest. There's no halacha that Kollel=simple.)
Teach your kids to own themselves and be happy with what they have. Turn a comment into a joke or matter of fact. Yeah, this is my favorite outfit and I want to wear it for a few years to come. I love getting bargain clothes at cheap prices. (FTR my very wealthy neighbor told me Target is her favorite store, and she wears clothes from there.) The key is to have confidence. I know people who have no money who kill themselves to dress above their means, and people who lack no money and dress simply. It's all about how you think of yourself, and your self-esteem.


This 100%
Totally off topic but I love target.
Ive been shopping there for 10+ years. Fit and qualility is amazing!!!
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joonabug




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:15 am
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
I usually agree with 99% of what you posted but IMHO kollel people are supposed to let their hashkafah be reflected in their life style. To be dripping in diamonds on a weekday for no special reason and claim one lives a true kollel life-sorry, but I don't buy it.

they are kids. sometimes kids are mean, irrelevant if their father is in kollel.
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amother
Banana


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:19 am
This is going to turn into a bashing kollel thread very very soon...
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amother
Sage


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:22 am
I don’t see why who they are matters. Bad middos are bad middos. Teach your kids to say I don’t care, and it’s really rude to speak this way. Calling a bully on their bad behavior often stops it in the tracks.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:26 am
Thanks all for the advice.
Bh my kids have a healthy dose of self esteem but the comments are starting to bother them. I'll give them some advice from here.
They dress very put together, but we shop at H&M, Old navy, sage.... & not at expensive stores.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:27 am
amother Sage wrote:
I don’t see why who they are matters. Bad middos are bad middos. Teach your kids to say I don’t care, and it’s really rude to speak this way. Calling a bully on their bad behavior often stops it in the tracks.


Thank you!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:28 am
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
I usually agree with 99% of what you posted but IMHO kollel people are supposed to let their hashkafah be reflected in their life style. To be dripping in diamonds on a weekday for no special reason and claim one lives a true kollel life-sorry, but I don't buy it.


There are many different types of Kollel Hashkafa. I've seen it over the years. Personally I go for a balanced approach. I'm far from dripping diamonds (ever) but I have always dressed my family in a b'chavodik manner to the best of my ability (there's nothing un'b'kavodik about last year's styles, IMVHO. They can look very nice.) I'm super-makpid on my kids being put-together and clean (my DD says she remembers me fixing her hair before going out when she was a toddler. And scrubbing her face..... All of my girls have absorbed my hashkafa about super-cleanliness, both of their person and surroundings - thanks to my Hungarian Bobbies...)

But I have met people from super-wealthy families who are supported by their parents in Kollel. Their lifestyle reflects their upbringing. Maybe they are sporting less diamonds than their families, but they still are who they are. Their Torah is no less valuable for it.

People have different hashkafos, there's no one Kollel Hashkafa. Some believe that Torah is Malchus and our lifestyle should reflect that (I actually believe in this too, for every Jew, to some extent. For me it translates more to being put-together and dignified, not necessarily diamonds, but who am I to judge? If I could afford the diamonds, maybe I would be into them, who knows?)
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:29 am
joonabug wrote:
they are kids. sometimes kids are mean, irrelevant if their father is in kollel.


I understand. But to me, kollel lifestyle is supposed to be a simple lifestyle & not a lifestyle of being in to brand name expensive clothing. To me it just seems off that those that are supposed to live a simple lifestyle, are mocking those that do live a simple lifestyle.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:30 am
amother OP wrote:
Thanks all for the advice.
Bh my kids have a healthy dose of self esteem but the comments are starting to bother them. I'll give them some advice from here.
They dress very put together, but we shop at H&M, Old navy, sage.... & not at expensive stores.


And kids can look very put-together in clothes from those stores.
I've had adorable finds from these places over the years. And got compliments from wealthy relatives who would never guess where I bought them....
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:31 am
amother OP wrote:
I understand. But to me, kollel lifestyle is supposed to be a simple lifestyle & not a lifestyle of being in to brand name expensive clothing. To me it just seems off that those that are supposed to live a simple lifestyle, are mocking those that do live a simple lifestyle.


That's your own perception. There are many different types of people whose husbands learn in Kollel.

Mocking anyone else's lifestyle is off, mean, and rude. In any direction.
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amother
NeonYellow


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:32 am
OP don't let those kids make *you* doubt yourself and how you choose to spend your money and dress your kids. I'm sure they look adorable.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:33 am
Chayalle wrote:
And kids can look very put-together in clothes from those stores.
I've had adorable finds from these places over the years. And got compliments from wealthy relatives who would never guess where I bought them....


I have actually gotten compliments from other neighbors how well my kids are dressed. It just irks me that my girls are being mocked for wearing clothing from Sage. I need to give them some tips for good comebacks.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:36 am
Chayalle wrote:
That's your own perception. There are many different types of people whose husbands learn in Kollel.

Mocking anyone else's lifestyle is off, mean, and rude. In any direction.

I understand. But how does being in to gashmyus align with a torah lifestyle?
They pride themselves that their husband sits and learns all day, yet make me feel as if someone is wrong with us for buying shoes at H&M vs. London Kids where they buy their kids shoes.....
It just seems wrong to me.
It often seems to me that we have more of a torah home than many that learn all day. I've gotten to the conclusion that a true torah home is more about sacrificing for learning torah, rather than about how many hours one learns in a day.
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