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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Feeling a bit hurt
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 9:49 pm
Bh I made a bar mitzvah in the last few weeks. Because of the day my son was born and Shavuos I made a weekday in his birthday and pushed off shabbos a week. Bh they both were beautiful.

I have close Friends from high school and seminary. I invited them. Not all live in town. One came to my Bo bayom. The other ones nothing. I am the first of my group of friends to make a bar Mitzvah. I didn't expect them to come in for it but I am hurt that they didn't reven ask me how it was, for pics. Nothing. Didnt end anything over or anything.

These are people I speak to on a very regular basis.

The friend who came to my weekday event called me early Sunday morning, I thought for sure to ask me how it was etc, but no, she called to ask me for a time consuming favor without mentioning the fact that I made a simcha. I told her I could try but I am cleaning up from my simcha (I had over 100 ppl for the weekend bh and my house looks it. Lol) and it will take me time, but she didn't ask me about it at all. This is someone I usually speak to every day...

I guess my close friends aren't really friends and the reality is really hurting me. I'm realizing that I really have no friends I guess.
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amother
DarkCyan


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 10:30 pm
that really sounds hurtful
until they make a simcha they might not realize what it means for the baal simcha to participate in some way....
when I made my own simcha, even every mazel tov text (from ppl who couldn't make it) made me feel good and I try to do that even when I can't make it to a simcha...
I had almost no women in my first Bar Mitzva- we did a redo right after covid and most ppl didn't or couldn't come or understand the significance; by my second Bar Mitzva I had a nice showing of women (but my son had almost no friends Sad long story...smack in the middle of camp; the local boys all went on a late trip etc ) it was very heartbreaking for me to watch...
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 11:20 pm
amother DarkCyan wrote:
that really sounds hurtful
until they make a simcha they might not realize what it means for the baal simcha to participate in some way....
when I made my own simcha, even every mazel tov text (from ppl who couldn't make it) made me feel good and I try to do that even when I can't make it to a simcha...
I had almost no women in my first Bar Mitzva- we did a redo right after covid and most ppl didn't or couldn't come or understand the significance; by my second Bar Mitzva I had a nice showing of women (but my son had almost no friends Sad long story...smack in the middle of camp; the local boys all went on a late trip etc ) it was very heartbreaking for me to watch...


That's hard. Bh I had a very full crowd with tons of family and neighbors. My son has his whole class over as well. (it's a small class) I just feel a bit hurt that the friends I speak to all the time for hours on the phone didn't bother even sending a mazel tov text before or after shabbos. They didn't send anything which is completely unnecessary but honestly would have made me feel good. I always make to buy them presents for each baby, I've sent platters to their kiddushim. Even if I didn't tho always I always call or text the day before/after. Send a mazel tov before shabbos etc.
It just stings...
The simcha was ttly beautiful bh. I'm just realizing that I guess my friends aren't as good friends as I thought and that really hurts. These are friends from highschool and seminary mostly.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Jun 24 2024, 11:37 pm
amother OP wrote:
That's hard. Bh I had a very full crowd with tons of family and neighbors. My son has his whole class over as well. (it's a small class) I just feel a bit hurt that the friends I speak to all the time for hours on the phone didn't bother even sending a mazel tov text before or after shabbos. They didn't send anything which is completely unnecessary but honestly would have made me feel good. I always make to buy them presents for each baby, I've sent platters to their kiddushim. Even if I didn't tho always I always call or text the day before/after. Send a mazel tov before shabbos etc.
It just stings...
The simcha was ttly beautiful bh. I'm just realizing that I guess my friends aren't as good friends as I thought and that really hurts. These are friends from highschool and seminary mostly.


Good and bad isn’t really a fair way to rate friends- it’s more like they aren’t local and don’t share in your simcha the way you want them to.

It may change when they make their own simchas and it may not. My bff that I talk to almost daily had similar luck of involvement in my local simchas- because pratically it’s a bit out of sight/ out of mind.

It doesn’t make them good or bad and doesn’t mean they don’t value you. Most people share their simchas more with local friends and family I think.
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 12:36 am
That hurts.
But don’t write off your friends so fast.

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. The rest of us can learn from your experience

Mazel tov and only nachas!!
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 12:56 am
Was the invite sent by mail? Is it possible they never received the invitations?
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amother
Canary


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 1:04 am
That is very painful.

But I agree with above - don’t write them off.

Hopefully they just didn’t understand what it would mean to you.
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 1:13 am
OP can I just say that you sound like a really kind and thoughtful person - and you deserve the same in return! X
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amother
Clear


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 5:36 am
How did you invite your friends? Did you mail the invitation? Did you call them to say it would mean so much to me if you can join in our simcha? Did they feel included in your simcha preparations?
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amother
Yolk


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 7:02 am
First of all a big Mazel tov! May your son bring you much nachas!

This sounds very hurtful for you. Is there room to be dan lkaf zchus. If they've previously been friends who were there for you maybe it can be assumed there's some other reason for the lack of response. They could be going through things in their personal lives. Is there any way their invites might've not made it (I speak from experience of feeling sad not to be invited to something, only to realize after that I was and the invite never arrived).
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 7:42 am
Invite sent by Whatsapp. They responded mazel tov...had some conversations with them.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 7:45 am
Did you send all your invitations by WhatsApp or mailed some? I’m guilty of not taking WhatsApp invites seriously. I only think someone really wants me to come if I get a paper invite. Are people moving away from those completely?
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 7:56 am
amother Mustard wrote:
Did you send all your invitations by WhatsApp or mailed some? I’m guilty of not taking WhatsApp invites seriously. I only think someone really wants me to come if I get a paper invite. Are people moving away from those completely?


Yes, in some cases WhatsApp or paperless post or other evites are all that's happening now.

I mean these things are already so expensive. Why wouldn't you save a few bucks by doing something that doesn't cost anything except maybe a graphic designer if you don't do your own?
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 8:21 am
Making a simcha right now bH. Invites are digital and we want everyone to attend just as much as if they were paper!
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amother
NeonGreen


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 8:41 am
amother OP wrote:
Bh I made a bar mitzvah in the last few weeks. Because of the day my son was born and Shavuos I made a weekday in his birthday and pushed off shabbos a week. Bh they both were beautiful.

I have close Friends from high school and seminary. I invited them. Not all live in town. One came to my Bo bayom. The other ones nothing. I am the first of my group of friends to make a bar Mitzvah. I didn't expect them to come in for it but I am hurt that they didn't reven ask me how it was, for pics. Nothing. Didnt end anything over or anything.

These are people I speak to on a very regular basis.

The friend who came to my weekday event called me early Sunday morning, I thought for sure to ask me how it was etc, but no, she called to ask me for a time consuming favor without mentioning the fact that I made a simcha. I told her I could try but I am cleaning up from my simcha (I had over 100 ppl for the weekend bh and my house looks it. Lol) and it will take me time, but she didn't ask me about it at all. This is someone I usually speak to every day...

I guess my close friends aren't really friends and the reality is really hurting me. I'm realizing that I really have no friends I guess.


So just because you're the first you're the most important?

Don't like this reasoning. Just a pet peeve of mine.

It does sound strange though. Why don't you ask her about it?
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amother
Razzmatazz


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 8:48 am
I’m guessing that maybe they are young still and don’t know the proper etiquette of a bar mitzvah. If they are all part of one group it would have been nice if they all chipped in 5-10 dollars for cookies/ fruit platter. Seems like they are all just. Clueless. For the next friend I would send a text let’s all chip in a set amount so we can send for every bar mitzvah going forward. They will probably understand at that point that they should have sent you. Maybe they plan on sending a gift . I also find when people feel guilty for not doing something they shy away from the conversation. Maybe they felt bad that they didn’t come to any part of the simcha so they just (immaturely and wrongly) just ignored it
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 8:48 am
amother NeonGreen wrote:
So just because you're the first you're the most important?

Don't like this reasoning. Just a pet peeve of mine.

It does sound strange though. Why don't you ask her about it?


Nothing to do with being the first. What does that have to do with anything?

If one of my friends was making a simcha before me I would make sure to go or at least call and send something....

Some of my friends got invitations in the mail. I did mostly digital by some of my friends do not have WhatsApp and I did mail invitations.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 8:52 am
amother Mustard wrote:
Did you send all your invitations by WhatsApp or mailed some? I’m guilty of not taking WhatsApp invites seriously. I only think someone really wants me to come if I get a paper invite. Are people moving away from those completely?

Yes, people really are moving away from these. Personally, I am not spending all that money for something to be thrown out.

Evite replaced a paper invitation, so if you get one in your email, it's a real invitation.

Whatsapp cut and paste as a message is real as well, but maybe second tier.

Whatsapp status is an announcement, not an invitation.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 8:54 am
Op, have they not said Mazal tov over the course of conversation since you started planning? Is it possible that they said it a few times already? Maybe they considered that an ongoing wish for you? Have you been talking about the bar mitzvah nonstop? If so, they probably assume they said it. They also might be bar-mitzvahed out when it comes to conversation. When we make a simcha, it often becomes our whole world for a while. It’s not theirs. This can actually be a little annoying to others, who want to discuss other things. You and they have different focuses right now. That doesn’t mean they don’t care. I don’t know your friends, but someone like me would not ask to be shown photos. I’d look at one photo and marvel at how the boy has grown and the mom looks great, but I have no interest in seeing a whole bunch of pics. That doesn’t mean I am not happy for my friend, but I don’t have the same simcha high and I see too many pics already! If these are people you can rely on otherwise, don’t consider them non-friends. As you say, they haven’t made bar mitzvahs yet. They don’t understand the mindset. They’ll get it when they get there.

Mazal tov!
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 25 2024, 8:58 am
amother OP wrote:
Nothing to do with being the first. What does that have to do with anything?

If one of my friends was making a simcha before me I would make sure to go or at least call and send something....

Some of my friends got invitations in the mail. I did mostly digital by some of my friends do not have WhatsApp and I did mail invitations.

OP, I'd suggest you stop sending things. It's overboard and most people can not afford to reciprocate. If you can, try not to have an expectation that those you sent things to will send to you.

Not making a phone call - I hear that's disappointing and you should allow yourself to feel hurt so you can process it and move on.
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