bris kibbudim | Imamother

amother

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:24 am

I'm asking this in advance not knowing what gender we are having ec. I'm sure I wont have time after I give birth to go online. We are having twins so have good chance of having boy. We IY"H want to name him after my grandfather. My husband says taht the kibudim go to the father's side, but think it would be appropriate for my father to be sandek bec. it's after his father. What is generally done?

Also, we Bh have a large family and community as well and want to max out the kibudim. How many can we create? I don't want ppl to be offended...!

red sea

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:41 am

I guess you really got to know both grandfathers to be to know how it would go. Of course it would be very meaningful for the sandek to be your father if you are using his fathers name. But then again if you got one really easy going one and one really not easy going one it may be better not to do that iykwim. You could give s/t else to your father too like the one who holds the baby after the bris while the name is read. It really would be a shame to stress over it if its 2 girls.

amother

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:46 am

amother wrote:

I didn't know there were any specific rules for sandek that the father's side gets preference. My father was actually a bit upset when my brother made a bris that my sil's father was sandek(but he was upset about more than that; bro has really taken sil's family as his own).

When we made a bris, neither grandfather was present, so we gave sandek to my Uncle. If we make another bris and both grandfathers are there, I would tend to favor my father in law since dh is an only child and I can't be sure he'll get another opportunity. My father is much more likely to have other opportunities (though he has 3 grandsons already and hasn't been sandak yet).

rowo

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 2:32 am

without knowing the dynamics or relationships in your fam, I can't really make a suggestion.
I think it's more a minhag thing, and what works for your fam. with us, my ds was the first grandchild and great grand child in my fam but ka'h one of many in my dh's fam. so his father and grandfather had already been sandek so we knew although they would prob have loved the kibud, they've done it b4 and iy'h will be able to do it again in the future. we chose my fathers father to be sandek, which e/one understood and appreciated how special it was, he is ka'h quite old and been through alot, not very well and it's a miracle that he got to experience this, and ka'h see more great grand children afterwards as well.
but at the same time we did try to honour as many ppl as we could, one person held the baby while he was being named, another anounced the name, one did birchas cohanim, and a few passed the baby from kvatter to the sandek Smile

there are ways of making people involved and happy, without honouring them with being the sandek. and iy'h you'll have other oppurtunities int he future.

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 9:53 am

The usual minhag is that the mothers father gets Sandek. However, nothing is worth causing fights and sholom bayis issues, so I suggest you ask a Rav what to do. If your baby is going to be named after your fathers father, he might rather do the "krias hashaim" anyway.

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 10:29 am

And then you have those who have a big problem, like us... dh's father is deceased, and my father is MUCH MUCH MUCH too emotional about anything "new addition to the family/new yid after the shoa" to be a sandak (he said it himself, he's "not even sure he'll be able to attend the bris" shock

), and we wonder what we will do when we have a son...

I wish we fought over who starts. Oh, and my husband's grandfather's are dead too, mine well, one is dead, other is too old to travel. Mad

manhattanmom

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:17 pm

I never heard about their being halachic guidelines about who gets which kibbud at a bris.
I never head of any of these minhagim either--like the mother's father gets sandek first, etc.
Maybe you'll have 2 boys and therefore need 2 sandeks!

At my son's bris, my FIL was the sandek and my father did something else--I think maybe put him on and off the kisay eliyahu. But that was because we had the bris in my parents' shul. If we had made the bris in yeshiva here we would have asked the Rosh Yeshiva to be sandek.

Last edited by manhattanmom on Wed, Sep 03 2008, 12:28 pm; edited 1 time in total

supermom

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:57 pm

We gave the honor to my fil since my father wasn't alive then. But if I had a choice I would have had our rabbi, and my fil wouldn't have minded one bit. He is the type of person that feels that a rav or rabbi shoudl have first honors. My fil and mil was the kvatter too because no one wanted to do it. Confused

So in that case my fil had most of the honors so to speak.

But if I would have a choice for my next boy I would do with my feelings more then who really should be the sandek. They say whomever has the honor of being sandek that is who the child gets his middot from. So I would pick someone who I respect and look up to.

My fil has amazing midot and I look up to him so I am not worried. Very Happy

Seraph

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 1:12 pm

Wow, my memory is bad. At first I thought my fil was the sandek and my father held the baby for the naming, and then I remembered that our rav (big time rav, sil of the seret vizhnitzer rebbe, with chassidim of his own) was the sandak. So it probably was my fil who held him during the naming. But I'm sure my father got a kibud as well...

spinkles

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 7:11 pm

In our community the sandek is often a talmid chacham rather than a grandfather. This avoids a lot of potential family conflicts and is supposed to be good for the baby too.

With kibudim, just ask the mohel for suggestions on different "creative" ones. We had lots at our bris, to keep everyone happy!