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Forum -> Parenting our children
Do children appreciate their parents?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 3:44 am
What do you say, do children appreciate and acknowledge what their parents do for them?

My mother would say no - but then she never loved us,

I hope my children will always know how much I love them, and therefore how I want everything to be good for them, and try my hardest!
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happyone




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 3:50 am
I think children appreciate their parents once they are parents themselves.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 4:58 am
OP here - I don't, if anything I understand many things less, also none of my siblings do, and they have well established families
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mama-star




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:17 am
I think gratitude/appreciation is a hard one for little ones to comprehend. but as they get older, I'm sure they will feel that way.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:18 am
I do!! Smile
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:28 am
I dont.
But I should.
I think its mainly I dont respect them or the choices they made in how they treated us growing up.

My husband respects and appreciates his parents much more than I do.
He came form a much happier home than I did.

But sometimes - when my children are playing up an I tell them off or are strict with them for a good reason they for sure don't appreciate it an then they start whining on and on - I understand how my mom could get so frustrated that she would shout or smack us. Children wind u up an it feels like they do it on purpose, like davka.

Also other ways im beginnign to understand my mother more now is soemtimes im so exhausted when the kids go to bed at 7.30 that I feel like I cant lift a finger until I collapse on the couch for awhile. An I remeber getting annoyed at my mom for leaving things lying around or not cleaning up straight away an she wud claim I willd o it later after I rested an I didnt get it. how cud u rest when theres a mess?

I pray my kids appreciate me one day.
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:30 am
I do & my kids do. But if children see their parents show love & respect to grandparents it influences them to do the same.

But what do you mean by showing appreciation? If I waited for anyone to say thankyou, most of the time I'd be disappointed. The words don't matter as much as the validation as shown by the fact they don't want to hurt you or make you unhappy, and they communicate with you.

We don't bring children into the world to make them feel guilty for every dime we spend on them or the nights we stay up to help them pack for camp, study for a test, listen to them vent, or soothe a boo boo. We have kids so we can make the world a better place by bringing new life & strong values to counter all the negativity. We want to leave a good Yerusha after 120 years. Children don't ask to be born & to keep telling them you don't appreciate us is destructive.

Of course, there are times when we all feel "abused" & taken for granted. They're kids, they do that. Eventually, though, they grow up!

OP, your kids know you love them, just like you say your mother never loved you. Relax!! If they know the love is there you're doing OK!!!
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downsyndrome




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:35 am
I definitely second what happyone wrote: when they get married and are parents themselves then they can truly appreciate what their parents stood for.
I have also had some stunning revelations over the years, whereas I'd think that my kids were quite 'cooled off' in their appreciation and admiration for me, but then I'd hear them talk to their friends on the phone and they'd gloat and quote me from here and there with the greatest sense of pride, and then I'd see that they really appreciate me for my advice, help, sense of being, etc. So, if you want to know whether your children appreciate you - ASK STRANGERS!! Very Happy
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:44 am
I think I realized it when DD (now a mother herself) said she was grateful I had been strict when she was growing up even though she resented it at the time. I got rid of so many unsuitable "friends" & did some things many people would say were wrong. They were certainly unpopular in our house. But my kids turned out GREAT...not perfect, but wonderful in every way. Which brings me to Seraph's thread...I'm most famous for my great kids!!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2008, 9:32 pm
Quote:
What do you say, do children appreciate and acknowledge what their parents do for them?

My mother would say no - but then she never loved us
I certainly hope this young woman's mother isn't on this forum. I can only imagine the pain such a statement would cause her. How does she make a statement like "she never loved us?" Normal mothers love their children, even though the children may not appreciate the things their mothers are doing at the time. Her mother was probably strict, and maybe with a lot of children, and little money, wasn't able to buy her things she would have wanted. I hope she is able to recognize this, and appreciate and acknowledge what her own mother did for her, and then, when her children see how she respects her mother, they will respect her. Chodesh Elul is a perfect time for introspection and making amends! I wish you luck Amother!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Sep 04 2008, 10:55 pm
amother wrote:
Quote:
What do you say, do children appreciate and acknowledge what their parents do for them?

My mother would say no - but then she never loved us
I certainly hope this young woman's mother isn't on this forum. I can only imagine the pain such a statement would cause her. How does she make a statement like "she never loved us?" Normal mothers love their children, even though the children may not appreciate the things their mothers are doing at the time. Her mother was probably strict, and maybe with a lot of children, and little money, wasn't able to buy her things she would have wanted. I hope she is able to recognize this, and appreciate and acknowledge what her own mother did for her, and then, when her children see how she respects her mother, they will respect her. Chodesh Elul is a perfect time for introspection and making amends! I wish you luck Amother!

there are unfortunately abusive mothers who only love their children as extensions of themselves and resent them going off on their own derech in life. My mother didn't nurture me as a child and never was (or is) emotionally "there" for me. I can "ladun" her l'kaf zechus that this was due to the circumstances of her own unfortunate childhood, but that doesn't change the facts of my life.
Years ago, she would tell me that I would understand her better when my own children grew up. Well, they have and one is married and living in another continent (just like I "did" to her) and I still don't feel the same way as she does. I'm happy that my ds living up to his potential and has found a good environment for his own growth.
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cubbie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 05 2008, 12:18 am
I certainly appreciate my parents and I think the only time I didn't was during short periods of my teenage years, but that's normal. I don't think it is fair to judge OP, there are parents who don't love their kids, my father came from such parents, my grandparents were cold and nasty, they had kids because that is what was expected, and whilst they weren't violent, they were emotionally very abusive. I experienced them too, so I know that it is not in my father's imagination.
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 05 2008, 5:20 am
Cubbie, I agree with you 100%. My own experience growing up was the same...my father's mother was a cold, judgmental mother & grandmother. She didn't like my sister & me either, & made it so obvious.

When I was pregnant I told my father that I couldn't name a child for such a woman. I thought he'd be upset, but he agreed & said I don't blame you. I didn't name any DD for her. My sis felt guilty shock so she did.

I understand OP very well. What surprises me is the number of "OP"'s out there who have experienced the same kind of upbringing, & sometimes even worse. That makes me so sad. But the good news is you all seem to be doing a great job with your own families Very Happy
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amother


 

Post Fri, Sep 05 2008, 5:31 am
bubby wrote:
I understand OP very well. What surprises me is the number of "OP"'s out there who have experienced the same kind of upbringing, & sometimes even worse. That makes me so sad. But the good news is you all seem to be doing a great job with your own families Very Happy

I've come to the conclusion that the generation that grew up during WWII all over Europe were exposed to hardships and turmoil during their childhood and weren't emotionally capable of raising children. But they did the best they could.
B"H I can say that my children feel loved and do appreciate me.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 05 2008, 5:35 am
amother wrote:
bubby wrote:
I understand OP very well. What surprises me is the number of "OP"'s out there who have experienced the same kind of upbringing, & sometimes even worse. That makes me so sad. But the good news is you all seem to be doing a great job with your own families Very Happy

I've come to the conclusion that the generation that grew up during WWII all over Europe were exposed to hardships and turmoil during their childhood and weren't emotionally capable of raising children. But they did the best they could.


This is a bit harsh!
"not emotionally capable of raising children"? many did a good job at being loving and all. Doesn't mean they were perfect or even issue free (over protective, over sheltering, overanxious, etc), but many were capable. Some were bad, and some even really not capable, of course.

Also the fact that now we listen so much to everything, second guess ourselves all the time, read books (not that it's so good, there should be a healthy, natural middle ground)... is pretty new. It's a whole new attitude. Nothing to do with the war, the non jews complain also. Still we never saw so many "problem kids" being labelled so, treated, etc.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 05 2008, 8:42 am
NO seems parents get the brunt of everything wrong in the kids' lives ... until they grow up and realize what it takes to be there for them through thick & thin hell & high waters ...

I had an epiphany in my late 30s that even an abuser loves their children and even a mother who lived an abusive life and didn't know how to handle so many children loves her children ... so there is good and bad - a balance in life we live and learn from and hope we do better for our own children ... what strengths or personalities or capabilities do we have or make sure not to have that we learn from our parents ...

can I make a fire in the rain
will I learn not to lie
will I be able to say "I love you" to my children
should I stay with an abuser
can I persevere w/o anyone saying "I'm proud of you"

at minimum it makes you view life from their side ... at best you hope you improve on it ...
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 2:54 am
amother wrote:
Quote:
What do you say, do children appreciate and acknowledge what their parents do for them?

My mother would say no - but then she never loved us
I certainly hope this young woman's mother isn't on this forum. I can only imagine the pain such a statement would cause her. How does she make a statement like "she never loved us?" Normal mothers love their children, even though the children may not appreciate the things their mothers are doing at the time. Her mother was probably strict, and maybe with a lot of children, and little money, wasn't able to buy her things she would have wanted. I hope she is able to recognize this, and appreciate and acknowledge what her own mother did for her, and then, when her children see how she respects her mother, they will respect her. Chodesh Elul is a perfect time for introspection and making amends! I wish you luck Amother!


No my mother is definitely not on this board - she has no idea about computers, and no I don't think she would be too hurt if I told her to her face that she never loved us - she jolly well knows she didn't invest anything in us, nothing physical, nothing emotional - thank g-d for my father!

and thank g-d 100000000000 for my husband, who keeps building me emotionally...

And no - I am young, young, and my mother is not a holocaust survivor, although she complains about her cold, emotionless parents who were holocaust survivors. All her siblings turned out fine!

And no - it wasn't the strict problem - although that was pretty extreme, and it wasn't the physical side, which again was pretty extreme, but the emotional side, which has crippled all her children years on - and I see it in every single of my siblings lives, how it effects them in every way.

And amother - I am not going to be horrible, and say how could you be so judgemental, you were not in my shoes. but, personally I feel that if parents love their children, even though the children might resent them for different things over the years, when they become parents too, they can acknowledge that their parents loved them - although they might not agree with the way they were brought up.

If 10 children can make a blanket statement - our mother never loved us - what can you take from that!
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ABC




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 29 2008, 9:47 am
...

Last edited by ABC on Tue, Nov 10 2009, 2:19 am; edited 1 time in total
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 29 2008, 9:54 am
No, so don't make that the reason you try to be a good mother.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 29 2008, 10:04 am
One of my professors in graduate school -- and a parent herself -- shared the results of a series of studies done in the 1950s (the height of the blame-the-mother psychological school).

The researchers filmed literally thousands of mothers interacting with their children of various ages, and they found that approximately 30 percent of the mothers routinely engaged in "negative" or "anti-nurturing" behaviors. Were the blame-the-mother theorists right, that would mean that 30 percent of individuals would be identifiable as psychopaths or sociopaths. I know, I know -- it does seem like that sometimes!

The fact that these serious maladjustments are relatively rare means that people are usually able to survive and even flourish even when parents don't do a very good job at all -- let alone make mistakes as a result of temperment or other problems.

The real test of adulthood, it seems to me, is to be able to recognize your parents' limitations, appreciate how their issues might have affected you, and yet continue to honor them. That level of mature appreciation is a goal most of us have to work for -- both as parents and as children.
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