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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
What's the correct reaction when a child tantrums?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:46 pm
2 of my children will tantrum for hours and not let up. What is the best way to deal with it?
Ignoring?
When I do that it just makes them more hysterical/violent.
Yelling at them to stop?
Also does nothing.
I always tell myself to hug them while they do. But a. I wonder if it would help. B. My body is in such flight mode at that point that it would be really hard for me to go nearer to them instead of further.
What helps for you?
Please share because I'm at my wits end.
For reference its a 9 year old and a 2 year old.
Yes, I know very different ages but they present similarly with the way they can go on for hours.
My other kids give up after a few minutes of seeing me ignore.
And I never give in once they tantrum. So my 9 year old should've learned that by now. But she didn't. Sad
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:51 pm
You're doing the right thing OP.

Maybe lock yourself in your room, drink, snack
Listen to music on headphones.

Don't be their Audience.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:54 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
You're doing the right thing OP.

Maybe lock yourself in your room, drink, snack
Listen to music on headphones.

Don't be their Audience.


I wish. I always say adults would love time-out. But I can't because the 9 year old becomes even more dysregulated if I do that. And the toddler I obviously can't do that with.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:54 pm
In the moment you cant do anything. For preventing them I really like Colloborative Problem Solving also called the Explosive Child.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:56 pm
mha3484 wrote:
In the moment you cant do anything. For preventing them I really like Colloborative Problem Solving also called the Explosive Child.


I'm terrible at reading books Sad
In a nutshell what would the book recommend?
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amother
Jasmine


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:57 pm
Focus on the 9 year old because thats not so normal anymore. Does this child have other issues? If so time for professional help.
Try validating feelings and teaching problem solving skills
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:57 pm
Has anyone seen giving physical love being a solution to end a very very strong meltdown?
Like I always feel guilty that maybe this is my child really crying out for love...
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:59 pm
You dont need the book. Go to Www.livesinthebalance.org and read through the parent section.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:59 pm
amother Jasmine wrote:
Focus on the 9 year old because thats not so normal anymore. Does this child have other issues? If so time for professional help.
Try validating feelings and teaching problem solving skills


I agree. I just got scared because I see he has the same issue of going on and on. Would love to nip it in the bud now before it comes along with him.
She is on ADHD meds. She's also seeing a therapist. The meds help to lessen her meltdowns somewhat.
But I see no improvement otherwise.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 6:59 pm
mha3484 wrote:
You dont need the book. Go to Www.livesinthebalance.org and read through the parent section.


Thank you!
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amother
Plum


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:01 pm
Just a note that my oldest is not yet 3 so I have no experience with older children.
When she tantrums I always offer/initiate hugs, I find that a long tight hug really helps regulate her. It’s pretty cute, recently when she starts freaking out about something she’ll work some “I need some hugs” into the screaming.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:04 pm
amother Plum wrote:
Just a note that my oldest is not yet 3 so I have no experience with older children.
When she tantrums I always offer/initiate hugs, I find that a long tight hug really helps regulate her. It’s pretty cute, recently when she starts freaking out about something she’ll work some “I need some hugs” into the screaming.


That's adorable.
I can see my dd secretly wanting a hug but it's really hard for me to do then.
I would push myself if I would know it's a solution.
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amother
Apple


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:09 pm
Ime these kinds of tantrums are neurological and not emotional. Validating is like adding fuel to the fire. Nothing helps except letting it burn itself out. I lock myself in my room to keep myself safe if needed. Sometimes a drastic threat or very stern voice or harsh threat can shock the child out of it.
Distraction may work as well.
We also avoid triggers. Namely for us giving direct commands (pathological demand avoidance) and triggering certain ocd's.
I just worked on healing their nervous systems. Bh child hasn't had a violent, aggressive meltdown in a long time.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:11 pm
amother Apple wrote:
Ime these kinds of tantrums are neurological and not emotional. Validating is like adding fuel to the fire. Nothing helps except letting it burn itself out. I lock myself in my room to keep myself safe if needed. Sometimes a drastic threat or very stern voice or harsh threat can shock the child out of it.
Distraction may work as well.
We also avoid triggers. Namely for us giving direct commands (pathological demand avoidance) and triggering certain ocd's.
I just worked on healing their nervous systems. Bh child hasn't had a violent, aggressive meltdown in a long time.


Tell me more. Please...
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amother
Apple


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 7:16 pm
amother OP wrote:
Tell me more. Please...
They come from a nervous system stuck in fight flight. Something trips their danger signals and then it's just cortisol and adrenaline pumping through their systems.
Not saying it can't be mitigated via behavioral methods, but at the end of the day it needs to be addressed on a body level.

We did a lot in terms of nervous system healing but I've gotten yelled at a bunch on this forum for spelling out exactly how.
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mushkamothers




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:18 pm
Is it a tantrum or a meltdown?
Happens when you say no, to try to make you change your mind, or does it happen when they're overtired/hungry etc
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amother
Azure


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:23 pm
amother Apple wrote:
They come from a nervous system stuck in fight flight. Something trips their danger signals and then it's just cortisol and adrenaline pumping through their systems.
Not saying it can't be mitigated via behavioral methods, but at the end of the day it needs to be addressed on a body level.

We did a lot in terms of nervous system healing but I've gotten yelled at a bunch on this forum for spelling out exactly how.

I have 2 children with asd and this is an hourly occurrence in our house.
did you truly stop the tantruming thru their diet?
bec so do far none of the therapy we've tried has made a dent...and I'm ready to have a temper tantrum myself lol for all the noise going on
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amother
Apple


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:26 pm
amother Azure wrote:
I have 2 children with asd and this is an hourly occurrence in our house.
did you truly stop the tantruming thru their diet?
bec so do far none of the therapy we've tried has made a dent...and I'm ready to have a temper tantrum myself lol for all the noise going on
Not diet, much as I would love to unfortunately I am unable to get a handle on their diets. Other biomedical interventions have helped a lot though.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:27 pm
It is extremely different but yes. Hold them. They will wiggle and fight. But until they calm down you hold them. Tell them to count to 10. Count out loud. Take deep breaths. It’s really hard not to lose yourself in it.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 9:12 pm
amother OP wrote:
Has anyone seen giving physical love being a solution to end a very very strong meltdown?
Like I always feel guilty that maybe this is my child really crying out for love...


For an actual meltdown, yes. It's similar in the science to a weighted blanket.

You can create a loving and comfortable "needs some love and self-care" section in their room with weighted blanket and other sensory thing if you feel it's too difficult to hug them in that moment.

I'm a full fledged adult and I occasionally have melt-downs (emotional, tired, hungry...different than a tantrum!). When I notice it, my husband is already trained by me to just hold me...or I snuggle under a weighted blanket.

It helps calm the senses that are going out of whack. Then I nap, make myself food, or calm down from the sensory input of the weight and can have a cohesive conversation.

A kid might not be able to self soothe like an adult can (or know how to be self aware enough) and that might be how it turns from slight half minute dysregulation to full blown tantrum?
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