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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
What's the correct reaction when a child tantrums?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:04 pm
amother Apple wrote:
They come from a nervous system stuck in fight flight. Something trips their danger signals and then it's just cortisol and adrenaline pumping through their systems.
Not saying it can't be mitigated via behavioral methods, but at the end of the day it needs to be addressed on a body level.

We did a lot in terms of nervous system healing but I've gotten yelled at a bunch on this forum for spelling out exactly how.


I doubt behavioral methods would work here. I was thinking of going the OT route.

Can you please spell it out for me?
Anyone opposed should please keep their comments to themselves.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:07 pm
mushkamothers wrote:
Is it a tantrum or a meltdown?
Happens when you say no, to try to make you change your mind, or does it happen when they're overtired/hungry etc


Meltdown.
Happens when I say no to something. And I really try to reserve the nos for when it's important.
And it happens when she's irritable which is almost always.
She has a very hard time accepting that the end of the day her parents are the authority.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:08 pm
amother Denim wrote:
For an actual meltdown, yes. It's similar in the science to a weighted blanket.

You can create a loving and comfortable "needs some love and self-care" section in their room with weighted blanket and other sensory thing if you feel it's too difficult to hug them in that moment.

I'm a full fledged adult and I occasionally have melt-downs (emotional, tired, hungry...different than a tantrum!). When I notice it, my husband is already trained by me to just hold me...or I snuggle under a weighted blanket.

It helps calm the senses that are going out of whack. Then I nap, make myself food, or calm down from the sensory input of the weight and can have a cohesive conversation.

A kid might not be able to self soothe like an adult can (or know how to be self aware enough) and that might be how it turns from slight half minute dysregulation to full blown tantrum?


Weighted blanket is an idea.
The question is if she'll resist it.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:09 pm
amother Azure wrote:
I have 2 children with asd and this is an hourly occurrence in our house.
did you truly stop the tantruming thru their diet?
bec so do far none of the therapy we've tried has made a dent...and I'm ready to have a temper tantrum myself lol for all the noise going on


Hugs.
After her meltdowns which are quite often I need hours to recover.
It really breaks me down inside.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:10 pm
amother Natural wrote:
It is extremely different but yes. Hold them. They will wiggle and fight. But until they calm down you hold them. Tell them to count to 10. Count out loud. Take deep breaths. It’s really hard not to lose yourself in it.


I will need so much inner strength for this...
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amother
Apple


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 4:09 am
amother OP wrote:
I doubt behavioral methods would work here. I was thinking of going the OT route.

Can you please spell it out for me?
Anyone opposed should please keep their comments to themselves.
Namely by addressing brain inflammation. Which involved this like herbs, supplements, homeopathy, craniosacral therapy, airway orthodontics to address mouth breathing, medication to treat chronic strep, parasites and yeast. Trying to avoid gluten, dairy, food dyes, msg. And more. Hopefully you get the picture. I'm trying to avoid saying the p word here Wink
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amother
Jasmine


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 4:15 am
amother OP wrote:
I agree. I just got scared because I see he has the same issue of going on and on. Would love to nip it in the bud now before it comes along with him.
She is on ADHD meds. She's also seeing a therapist. The meds help to lessen her meltdowns somewhat.
But I see no improvement otherwise.

I have a child similar in some ways, I ended up going to therapist myself for parenting that specific child it helped more than therapy for said kid. (First I tried the therapist that my child went to but I didnt feel she was an expert in parenting so I did research and found someone else via zoom, best $$ I ever spent) it also helped with my parenting all my other kids. My point is when you have such a child regular parenting techniques dont work enough need special guidance.
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Comptroller




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 4:19 am
Here is a suggestion. Seems to work!!!
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/R4qSCJjBzCc

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/shorts/R4qSCJjBzCc[/youtube]
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 7:10 am
amother Jasmine wrote:
I have a child similar in some ways, I ended up going to therapist myself for parenting that specific child it helped more than therapy for said kid. (First I tried the therapist that my child went to but I didnt feel she was an expert in parenting so I did research and found someone else via zoom, best $$ I ever spent) it also helped with my parenting all my other kids. My point is when you have such a child regular parenting techniques dont work enough need special guidance.


Would you be able to share the name of the therapist who worked for you?
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amother
Hawthorn


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 8:33 am
Tight hugs for the 2 year old. I don't believe it's appropriate for the 9 year old. Look up "co-regulation" for other ideas. Basically, you're working on yourself to develop a demeanor of quiet, calm authority - you want to be their stability during the emotional turbulence.
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amother
Jasmine


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 12:09 pm
amother OP wrote:
Would you be able to share the name of the therapist who worked for you?

Sure I used Dr Devorah Neuhaus in monsey
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amother
Lily


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 12:19 pm
There are 2 reasons why kids tantrum below the age of 4: they are struggling to express their needs or they physically are deprived such as hungry, tired, thirsty, over whelmed. My oldest would act up when she couldn't find the words or struggled to say them. My son is usually thirsty. Kids don't enjoy being difficult. Now if you say they can't have something and they tantrum you can ignore them. But make sure to give positive attention when they are behaving well.
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amother
Darkblue


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 12:38 pm
A tantrumming two year old and a tantrumming 9 year old are completely different and need to be approached completely differently. The two year old tantrums are age appropriate, but the nine year old tantrums are crying out for help in some way.

Does she have sensory issues? Do you find that she doesn't like certain textures or noises? Is she easily bothered by someone touching her or by getting messy? Or, alternatively, do you find that she CRAVES any of these things and is happiest when she experiences them? If any of these seem to describe your daughter, please get her evaluated by an OT. My son was about this age when we started working on sensory stuff (and I had no idea he had an aversion to certain sensations -- never put it together, but after the OT explained why the things that bothered him, like showers, tag games, and haircuts all had the same sensory roots, it all made sense!). It didn't take too many sessions with an OT to really help him, and also to make him more aware of why he's feeling the way he's feeling, and empowering him to do something about it.

How is she doing socially? In school or camp?

Has she ever undergone any trauma that you know of?

Any other clues would give us a better idea of how to start addressing the root cause. It's less of an issue of how to respond, and more of an issue of how to adress whatever is causing the behavior int the first place.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Tue, Jul 09 2024, 6:47 pm
amother OP wrote:
Has anyone seen giving physical love being a solution to end a very very strong meltdown?
Like I always feel guilty that maybe this is my child really crying out for love...


Validate the kid feeling overwhelmed and stand firm. Can you listen to an expert while doing housework on ear pods? Dr. Becky at good inside is excellent for challenging (and all other) children…
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 10 2024, 4:52 am
That does sound intense for the 9 year old. He probably needs some intervention.

I hug my kids when they tantrum, and it definitely helps them calm down. Not only that, but it helps me remember that they are the precious children I love and not just some screeching maniacs. We both end up calmer when we hug each other.
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