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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Don't know what to do

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greenfire

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 4:27 pm

so after having loads of issues with dd1 and dd2 ... dd3 started 9th grade and is miserable ... last year half way through the year she was miserable too ... she claims she has no friends - hates school - wants to go out of town ... I say she's been doing so well with good grades and everybody loves her - so why mess a good thing ... she cries and won't communicate and I think she is fantasizing that her life will be different out of town ... although I wish it were true - life will be the same ... also more money would be needed for room & board and out of town expenses - there is none of that to be had as is ... she is not the same as my other girls why can't she just be happy - I cannot deal with more stress than I've already had ...

Mommy007

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:06 pm

have you tried talking to the school principle about it? Or any teachers?

zufriedene

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 5:39 pm

although u 're not asking for more stress obviously something is bothering her, what will happen if u just ignore it?
Is she trying to tell u something serious?
sometimes if a reaction (her wanting to go out of town)is not proportioned to the circumstances ( her successful marks)she's hinting or making desperately telling u something. Do try to listen ,it might turn out to be less stressful than not paying attention.
Good luck. I didnt mean to overwhelm u>

greenfire

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 6:38 pm

I talked to people in the school last year ... she was reluctant to communicate with them as well ...

I can never ignore it ...

and yes just how serious is it ?!?!?! I do not know ... all teens this age seem to have issues ... but having other serious teens I cannot take anything lightly or even assume they are ordinary ...

I'm just frightened and exhausted - can't I just have one dd who has her life going good ...

either way - could be a mistake ...

amother

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 6:49 pm

does she have a therapist? as a mother its always best to validate. so when she says she has no friends its best to listen offer a hug and say wow that must feel so tuff! instead of saying things like, "everyoone loves you" that makes ppl tune out and not want to talk because they feel like you dont understand...

greenfire

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 6:56 pm

that is part of her issue ... she refuses therapy - says it interferes with her schoolwork and her life ... now what?!?!?!

amother

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 7:02 pm

It interferes with her schoolwork, okay, I understand, but her ?life?, I thought she has no friends. Isn't that the life of a teenager, friends?
When I was a teen, my mother sent me to a neighbor just to talk, a third party. She was some sort of psychologist, but I don't think with a degree. She was/is a principal of a school.

greenfire

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 7:05 pm

oh I've tried asking teachers and principals to keep an eye or ear out ... specifically one that she was fond of ... but she felt awkward that anyone should notice any special attention - or maybe even god forbid miss lunch (which by the way she doesn't eat) ...

I suppose I'll have another go of it - but like I said the frustration is beyond even what I can handle right now - I'm tired of reading minds and being superhuman and getting blamed to boot ...

ShakleeMom

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 7:56 pm

school away from home ?

greenfire

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 8:19 pm

that is part of the original issue ... I do not agree with school away from home or that it will resolve her issues ...

Mommy007

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 9:38 pm

I don't know if this sounds crazy but can u arrange some sort of intervention? Instead of bringing your daughter to a therapist why not have one come to your house? It could be your daughters decision if she wants you to be in the room while she talks to the therapist...

dora

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 10:07 pm

It's so hard being a teen and very traumatic going into 9th grade. She is not seeing the good grades and the fact that she is liked, sounds like low self esteem. Teens don't want to hear from their parents how great they are, they don't trust our taste, but they will most likely listen to someone else; older sisters, a neighbor, a"big" sister in school. Hearing positive reinforcement over time will hopefuly give her the chance to view herself in a more positive way. Continue to love and support her ang give her time.

mummiedearest

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 10:16 pm

can you encourage her to become involved in extracurricular activities? she may feel trapped between home and school. maybe if she did something outside of the house that she could enjoy and consider to be specifically for her she would cheer up some? school away from home is not something I would go for, either.

mugsisme

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 11:28 pm

GF, did it happen suddenly or gradually? Could something have happened? Is there someone bullying her maybe? Is there a friend issue?

My DD had issues with school. I finally realized something was wrong when she would get sick every few weeks. It was really bad. The school kept telling me how happy she was and everything was fine. Well, it turns out it wasn't fine. Some girls were picking on her, and making her feel like garbage. We took her to a therapist, and it turned out to the best thing for her. (she didn't want to go either.) Well, the girl who did the bullying ended up leaving school and my DD is so happy again. It is a world of difference.

Is your DD sad, withdrawn? Or do you feel she is just being a teenager? You now, the Elite Academy has a program for girls in 10th grade ... if she can make it through the year ....

greenfire

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 12:04 am

never heard of the elite academy ... and I'm not sending her out-of-town ...

I simply think as the girls hormones begin to fluctuate so many things come into play ... some get snobby ... some get frummy ... prissy ...

I honestly think it's normal teenage stuff ... only for her it feels worse ...

and since I had 2 high risk girls - it makes me panic ...

she once had a big sister - it was good for that year and then she felt it cut into her homework time ... What

definitely would be good for her to spend time with someone who will have fun with her and give her attention - really that is what she needs - an outlet ...

mugsisme

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 12:21 am

Is there anyone in your community you can turn to? It has to be someone who is really devoted to it. My older DD had someone like that, but as soon as she did something that this person felt was wrong, she abandoned her. Then someone else said they would act as a big sister, and never followed through. I know people have lives.

Elite Academy is out of the country my dear. LOL

Maybe she is looking for more time with you?

amother

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 12:31 am

greenfire wrote:

I honestly think it's normal teenage stuff ... only for her it feels worse ...

and since I had 2 high risk girls - it makes me panic ... .

could it be that that's exactly the point? your other daughters arent exactly unknowns in your community. Could it be that she feels overshadowed by her "big bad older sisters" and the stigma of being the daughter of a divorcee, and hence she wants to go out of town to a place she can start fresh, a place that doesnt know her family and background and she can lead a "normal" life?

greenfire

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 12:32 am

out of the country shock

hm ... maybe for seminary - unless I go off to australia and only take her ... What

oh my kid passed off big sisters like bad shidduchim - then she found the one ... and the cute thing is that the big sis said they are a match ... been a couple of years - I wonder if she's around and if dd would do that again ...

by the way those teenage descriptions above do NOT describe dd ... that is the issue cause she doesn't feel she fits into a crowd ...

greenfire

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 12:36 am

amother wrote:

greenfire wrote:

I honestly think it's normal teenage stuff ... only for her it feels worse ...

and since I had 2 high risk girls - it makes me panic ... .

interesting point ... however they never went to the same school - so in school I wouldn't think it's an issue ...

could be however she feels this way outside of school ...

Ima'la

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 1:04 am

I'm not saying you should send her out of town, but

Quote:

I say she's been doing so well with good grades and everybody loves her - why mess a good thing

I wouldn't say it's a good thing just b/c she's getting good grades - BTDT. Since she's complaining she doesn't have friends, I'm assuming "everyone" who loves her refers to the teachers, principal, etc. That was me in HS - top grades, teachers, principals, friends' parents loved me, but socially - not great. And I was miserable. Good grades do not a happy teen make. B"H, I was saved by having a social outlet in an non-school-related (though encouraged) youth group.

I'm no expert in the therapy scene. Maybe it would help, maybe it's unnecessary. (Or both. Or neither.) But it doesn't seem to me that this is NECESSARILY an unusual situation. HS is a difficult time to navigate socially, what with hormones and changes (physical, emotional, environmental/social), and I don't think there's anything so unusual about a 14 yo feeling miserable and complaining that she has no friends. But it definitely should NOT be ignored!

I would definitely recommend LOTS of listening and empathy. If you try to convince her that it's not so bad, she will think you either can't understand or don't want to understand or don't care (or all of the above). Anything that sounds like, "But you're getting such good grades" will make you sound totally over-the-hill and out-of-touch (which we all know you're not!) Remember, she has no proof that you know ANYTHING about being a teen. You say you did it once, but that was long before she was born, and who can be sure if the world even existed then? You cannot POSSIBLY know ANYTHING about this so try to hear her out and see if you can get her to come up with a solution that will be acceptable to you. (Here's where you get out your estrogen and use all your feminine powers of manipulation! Lady

) Tell her that you see how unhappy she is and want to help and offer to share some chocolate and brainstorm with her about ideas to improve the situation.

JMHO - my oldest is 7.5 - haven't gotten to these issues yet - just offering my $0.02 from when I was a teen. Good luck!

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