SOS- if have experience son inappropriate online viewin

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 6:11 pm

Please only respond if you have guidance from a rav , or guard your eyes or somebody with Torah knowledge. I just “caught” my 14-year-old son looking at inappropriate sites. Caught as in saw history of things watched on YouTube. Please don’t lecture about filters, there is a filter on it, but obviously not enough. I’m assuming he saw the worst, my husband erased it all immediately, so we don’t get bugs or viruses(I’m not stupid, I know that sounds like an excuse but that’s not the issue right now). It was not my husband, let’s not discuss that either please.

My son is a “top” boy in a highly regarded yeshiva. That’s not to boast, that’s just to see where he’s coming from. We are going to talk to him tonight, I have listened to some of the recordings on guard your eyes, we know to discuss that the struggle is normal etc.

Do I ask him if this is the first time? I really want to know if this is an ongoing problem. I want to ask it in a way that this is a safe space, we will not be mad, we are here to help… But I don’t want him to just cover his tracks better. He will definitely not be open and receptive to the whole discussion, but hopefully we will get him to listen. He is a really really good kid who learns and davens a lot, he is definitely feeling Shame and guilt. Any advice, from experience and/or Torah sources please! Thanks!!

amother

Cadetblue

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 6:30 pm

I don’t have much to offer. If it was on YouTube it probably was not as bad as it could have been since it’s a highly censored site which doesn’t allow full nudity or s-xual acts

I would recommend keeping the conversation to this incident only. Asking about prior history is a very bad idea and we are not allowed to put people in a position to lie to us, which this would be. Even in a “safe space” this will be something he will feel ashamed about and not want to admit any more than you already know

Start a conversation saying you know what happened and you want him to know his urges are normal, there’s nothing wrong with him. Explain why it’s important though to guard our eyes and not see certain things, and to protect ourselves. You can talk about saving things for marriage and how these are special between man and wife. Don’t focus on if he’s done this before, don’t put him in a place where we feels on the spot, just let him know you know and you still love him and don’t think less of him

And get a better filter

amother

Whitesmoke

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 6:35 pm

Curious - if there was a filter and it was a youtube video I can't imagine how bad it could be. I don't think you should make this into the end of the world. Stronger restrictions on computer and better filter and conversation about going forward. This is not the end of your child. ch'v.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 7:12 pm

Thank you! So everyone agrees we don’t ask about if there was anything prior? How do we know if it’s an ongoing problem though? Want to know if he needs more consistent support.

We’re going to be way more careful with our devices and get stronger filters.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 7:20 pm

no guidance from a Rav or wtvr from my end... but recently noticed history that my 20 year old learning bochur saw not tzniyus ladies son YouTube.... and yes, YouTube shouldn't have any real [filth], but it still wasn't tzniyus or appropriate.. my husband (a bt who learned in yeshiva for many years) basically said it means he is normal, not to say anything....

nursemom1

Thu, Aug 01 2024, 7:34 pm

I don’t have any guidance from a rav or anything but this is my opinion as a frum woman. I think it would probably make more sense for your husband to speak with him without you, he will likely be less embarrassed by the conversation that way. Just keep it simple, have your husband say that he saw the browser history, and explain with both Torah and secular reasons why viewing such content is problematic. Also reassure him that he is 100% normal for desiring to look at these videos, it is human nature, but not everything we desire is moral or good for us etc.

amother

Sage

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 4:29 pm

While you are right to want guidance from a Rav/professional, you might in the meantime find the book "From Boys to Men" by Dr Shloimi Zimmerman helpful. He quotes Rav Wolbe, among others, and contemporary psychological knowledge.
It must have been a big shock for you.

Molly Weasley

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 4:44 pm

You must, must get guidance from your ruv before you speak to him.

He made advise you to speak about it nonchalantly, so that not to "label him" in any way

He may advise you not speak with him, Believe it or not.

Regardless, speak them

From Boyz to Men is definitely a good resource, but you need to speak to your ruv for specifics in your situation.

Eta, I just realized this is a older thread, what did the ruv say, if op asked?

amother

Lightpink

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 6:09 pm

Agree that you must speak to an experienced Rov. I found my son dialing 900 numbers (without any charges) and my Rov specifically told me NOT to talk about it with him. Just mention that I am seeing strange 900 numbers on my bill. That stopped him from doing that again. I don't think me having a conversation with him will help, he knows it's wrong and a Yetzer Hara. Embarassing him will only make him feel bad about himself and not help him make good choices in the future. Opportunity is the number one reason people fall in this area.

amother

Oleander

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:04 am

Most importantly really when you speak try to keep a calm cool voice not alarmed or oh no panic or it's all over ..it makes a world of a diff when parents come collected bec the child feels safe opening up like oh by the way matter of fact in a chilled way , that way they can come back and feel safe to discuss and be open . It's really knowing your kid also is he the type that would appreciate getting caught or confronted with it ? Depending on his age? Maybe the best thing is to up the filters and block youtube etc and when he tries again he'll see for himself? Sts saying nt is better and doing the blocking from back ground. Over all maybe it's better to have a rule that no kids are allowed to use the laptop it's only for work purposes?
Hatzalacha

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:14 am

amother OP wrote:

6
Does it matter if this is the first or 10th or 100th?
Your son needs help. Sensitively. Preferably not from you.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 10:44 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

You can find every on YouTube!! Pure nudity. It's not beneficial to be in denial and thinking that YouTube is ok. It's definitely not.

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:05 am

This is very normal and I don't think OP should say anything to the son, but I have a couple questions. How does he have access to youtube? If you see his history then it's on a device you know about and allow him access to. So I'm sorry it's really not reasonable to give him access and then be surprised by his completely normal healthy teenage behavior. And my other question is, how do you know it was your son and not your husband?
signed,
a mother (and wife) who unfortunately has been there Sad

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:17 am

Are you 100% sure it was your son? I'm asking because I have a vague memory of my father waking me up one night as a teenager to ask about some apparently very inappropriate sites he found in the computer history. I had no idea what he was talking about and it turns out that my father figured out it was a guest who had used the computer (based on the dates and times in the history). I was upset at being accused and also got curious about what was so bad that my father felt like he had to wake me up to ask about it. That lead me to carefully explore parts of the Internet that I could get to without leaving a trace and I regret that time immensely.