My daughter is being taken advantage of

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 4:43 pm

There's a special needs child in my daughters bunk in daycamp. My daughter is by nature very sensitive & inclusive of special needs children, and is very nice to them. It seems like the girls shadow is seeing this as an opportunity to let go a bit of her responsibilities & having my daughter be with her alot throughout the day. The shadow is supposed to be the girls partner at activities & she's been asking my daughter to be her partner. The shadow is supposed to help her with arts n crafts & she's asking my daughter to help her. My daughter has a hard time saying no to requests from adults/people older than her. Today she came home very upset that she's being taken advantage of & that she lost out on the fun of a special activity because the shadow asked her to be the girls buddy.
I want to bring it up with someone. Who do I call? The camp? The girls mother to ask her for the shadow's phone number so I can call her directly?
TIA

amother

Linen

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 4:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

Call the camp and let them know about the situation.

OddoneOut1 ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 4:46 pm

I would reach out to the camp directly and explain the situation. They will understand that this is not your daughter’s responsibility. When talking with them- ask, should I reach out to the shadow directly (and the request that they get the number for you) or will you be will they have a conversation with her

↑ OddoneOut1

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 4:47 pm

I want to add that I emphasise as someone who ended up with this role sometimes and was dubbed the nice girl, but it was coming from the inability to say no- kids have a really hard time with this

Success10

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:07 pm

I'll be the odd one out here and suggest speaking to the shadow first. She's probably young and inexperienced. Please make her aware that what she's doing is not appreciated and give her a chance to fix it before going to the higher ups. I think most people would like that courtesy.

notshanarishona ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:21 pm

Are you sure you know the arrangement? It’s fairly typical for a shadow to help the special needs child do things along with their peers, not just be their partner. Typically social skills are a big part of the reason they send to camp, not just to socialize with the shadow . I don’t think it should always be the same person, especially if she is being put on the spot/ uncomfortable saying no but that would be very sad if no one can do anything with the kid with special needs. Totally ruins the point of them being in a mainstream camp/ school.

amother

Lightyellow

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:27 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

IMHO - it is not the shadow’s position to initiate social skills. She is not a specialist educated to do this.
She is their to assist the hold, not to initiate social interactions with other kids.

amother

Marigold ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:34 pm

I’d call camp. My kid had a shadow they aren’t really professionals she needed tons of guidance. Even I wasn’t always able to get her to change. Your kid deserves a fun summer definitely call the camp.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:35 pm

If I were the shadow, I'd be so much more upset and uncomfortable hearing from OP than from camp director.

The right thing to do is call the camp. Also, work with your DD to feel comfortable to say, "I'm sorry, I need a break, and a chance to do things with other kids."

↑ notshanarishona ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:43 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

IMHO - it is not the shadow’s position to initiate social skills. She is not a specialist educated to do this.
She is their to assist the hold, not to initiate social interactions with other kids.

No one knows what training the shadow does or doesn’t have in this specific situation . You don’t need to be a special ed teacher to guide a child in being a partner with a child with special needs for an project, just need common sense and basic skills of the child’s disability . I just know that in most cases the camps/ schools try and integrate the child with special needs, not just having them do their own thing with the shadow.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:43 pm

OddoneOut1 wrote:

I want to add that I emphasise as someone who ended up with this role sometimes and was dubbed the nice girl, but it was coming from the inability to say no- kids have a really hard time with this

She is very nice & very sensitive by nature, which is probably why she has a hard time saying no to people. She always feels bad for everyone & thinks that she has to save everyone from their problems.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:46 pm

Success10 wrote:

She's not inexperienced, she's a shadow year round in the classroom. It just seems like she wants a break & decided to take advantage of my daughters good heart.

amother

↑ Marigold ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 5:49 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Doesn’t matter. As a mother of a kid who had a shadow and they did social integrating it was always spread out among kids and it was never helping. None of them lost out on fun or took on the role of taking care of her. What is happening is not appropriate or acceptable.

amother

Dandelion ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 6:04 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

IMHO - it is not the shadow’s position to initiate social skills. She is not a specialist educated to do this.
She is their to assist the hold, not to initiate social interactions with other kids.

If social skills is a goal then it is their job to help the child obtain partners for activities. I agree with the previous poster why even send a child to mainstream camp if the shadow will be their partner for everything. However, if she’s asking your dd too often then you should bring it up with the camp.

Cheiny

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 7:24 pm

Success10 wrote:

I'll be the odd one out here and suggest speaking to the shadow first. She's probably young and inexperienced. .

Or she’s shirking her responsibility and saw an easy mark to do her job for her…

amother

Lavender ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 7:36 pm

I’m a professional in special Ed field and understand that the special needs girl should be able to partner and socialize with other girls, not just shadow… however it definitely should not be 1 girl. You owe it to your daughter to call the camp director and tell her what’s going on.
She can speak to the shadow or call the agency that hired the shadow to give her more guidance on how to facilitate her clients socialization.
It definitely should not fall on your daughter.

amother

Mintgreen ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 7:47 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

How do you go about selecting partners? I'm just curious, because my daughter was forced into being a partner and she deeply resented it. I think it still impacts her now with her approach to SN.

I am just putting it out there because shadows need to consider the regular kids too. While I agree that children should be taught how do chesed and how to appropriately behave towards SN, it has to be when a child is ready for it. Pushing a child into it when she isn't ready can have the opposite effect.

amother

↑ Marigold ↓

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 7:53 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

The partners need to be picked very carefully. In my case the teachers chose kids who seemed to be friendly and ok hanging out with my kid. I think it's a mistake to push it on anyone who doesn't want it. They also tried to do 2 kids at a time instead of 1 so that it's less of burden to the kid and they get to be with their friend too. It really needs to be navigated carefully. Also no one kid should be doing it too often.