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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Using Sons Bar Mitzvah money to pay for his sefarim....
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:05 pm
Tell me something, do you think it's ok to require your son pay for his own sefarim he needs for HS. We definately really are struggling with finances. I just didn't know if it was acceptable to ask that my son use his own money to cover the cost of the required sefarim. Or if we should just add it the already overused credit cards? Covering the tution is already a major stretch. (btw, I don't think he would be too please with the idea.) Can I hear what some other imamothers think?
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:07 pm
Honestly, I wouldn't do it. It's his money, even if technically the books are for him. I consider school supplies our responsibility. Sorry, but that's how I feel.
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yo'ma




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:17 pm
Clarissa wrote:
Honestly, I wouldn't do it. It's his money, even if technically the books are for him. I consider school supplies our responsibility. Sorry, but that's how I feel.

I agree. Are they for jewish seforim he needs or just all? For the jewish seforim that will be his and he'll end up keeping, maybe, for the others, no.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:18 pm
It's just for Jewish sefarim. And please don't be sorry. I want to do what's right. That's why I came here looking for answers.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:20 pm
no way ... that is like asking him to buy his own school shoes ...

can you get second hand seforim for less ...
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Tehilla




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:21 pm
I agree with the other posters. it's one thing if it's extra seforim he wants to buy. but school supplies I also consider the parents' responsibility. I hope Hashem sends you abundant parnassa with no worries.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:21 pm
amother wrote:
Tell me something, do you think it's ok to require your son pay for his own sefarim he needs for HS. We definately really are struggling with finances. I just didn't know if it was acceptable to ask that my son use his own money to cover the cost of the required sefarim. Or if we should just add it the already overused credit cards? Covering the tution is already a major stretch. (btw, I don't think he would be too please with the idea.) Can I hear what some other imamothers think?


It wouldn't be my first choice. OTOH, you say you're struggling financially. In those circumstances, its all hands on deck -- in other words, you're a family, and everyone needs to contribute what they can.

Could you handle a 50-50 split? Or at least tell him that a certain % of his money is sacrosanct, but that the rest has to be available for school use?

IF you go this route, though, please be sure to go the same route with all of your kids. If all of your kids are required to use some of their bar/bat mitzvah money to offset high school expenses, its just the family's way of doing things. If you don't require others (due to better finances or whatever), then there's bound to be resentment unless you pay this DS back.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:24 pm
Ok, we'll have to work it out. I see that no one really thinks its the right thing to do.
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cookielady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 12:28 pm
One of my sons wanted to use his money to buy sefarim, but I guess that's different, since he wanted them. Otherwise we keep there money out of their reach until they are older and then they can make hopefully, wise choices of how they use their money.
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BennysMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 2:46 pm
I've heard that you can use maaser money to buy sefarim. I'm not sure it applies to everyone in all circumstances but maybe that's something to look into.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 3:20 pm
I think it is a great use of bar mitzva money to buy sefarim that he will need in life. thats what my brotehrs did with their bar mitzva money. Also since many frum families do not make fancy bas mitzvas, girls end up with very little money from that. I think they woudl be quite resentful to see that their brother can spend it on whatever he wants.

if it is basic things like chumashim etc why not? They will be his always.

If it is a small proportion of his money it is not so hard on him. After all, you spent your money making a big do - which is why he got presents, and pobably partly also why you are in financial hardships.

I heard of someone who uses his sons gifts to pay for the bar mitzva itself.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 4:02 pm
I know kids who have paid for their bar mitzvahs out of their gift money. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, having the kid understand financial situations. as soon as I started making some money my mother told me I would be paying for my own clothes. clothing are expensive. so are sforim, and hopefully he will be using them for years to come. I see no problem with asking him to pay even partially.
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MOE




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 4:48 pm
my dh was able to invest his bar mitzvah money and from it he bought me my engagement ring his first car, and the down payment on our first home this is just food for thought.

lets say your son only ended up with 50 bucks from his bar mitzvah in gifts would you ask him to go out and get a job and pay for the difference so he can have his sforim for school....remember your the one sending him to hebrew school if you didn't he wouldnt need to use his bar mitzvah money to buy the sforim
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cookielady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 5:47 pm
By the way, most of my boys away from home at yeshiva have gotten some sort of tutoring job, straightening up beis midrash at night, etc to help pay for their day to day expenses. I think it helps them understand the reality of life and that we are sacrificing to pay their tuitions and for them to be in yeshiva.
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montrealmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 5:51 pm
If you choose to have your ds use some of his $$ to buy sforim 1 - please speak with him about it - when I was in HS (and after) my parents hit very hard times, all my bas mitzvah money (which had been invested) was gone when I needed/wanted it - it was very painful for me to find out after the fact and not having been consulted.

Secondly - if you speak with your son about it I would present it as buying sforim which will serve him throughout his life, IY"H and as such, are a good investment!

Lastly - I would set a limit on how much of this $$ you would ask him to spend on school oreinted sforim so that he can choose how to spend/invest the balance.

That said, we have bank accounts for our kids (currently 2 and 4) and their bday and YT gifts go in there. When there is something they want/need that is just for them, that is where the $$ comes form (sometimes); as they get older, they will have more say in how the $$ is spent. We also never spend more than 30% of the total, so when they get control of the accounts, there should be plenty in there for them.

I know people who spent their bar/bas mitzvah $$ on a year in Israel or trip or clothes, etc.... Talk to your son.
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MOE




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 5:53 pm
but you wouldnt send them to public school...the parents are the ones who choose to send their kids to yeshiva....send them away pay the high costs of tuition we choose it not them we send them on the path not them so why make them pay for their sforim....our job is to give them the tools so they can follow the path "we" put them on.....and working in yeshiva to pay for there day to day expensises like some candy is not the same as taking their money to buy sforim.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 5:57 pm
MOE wrote:
but you wouldnt send them to public school...the parents are the ones who choose to send their kids to yeshiva....send them away pay the high costs of tuition we choose it not them we send them on the path not them so why make them pay for their sforim....our job is to give them the tools so they can follow the path "we" put them on.....and working in yeshiva to pay for there day to day expensises like some candy is not the same as taking their money to buy sforim.


just like the op made a choice to send her son to a Jewish school, she could have chosen not to make a big bar mitzva party, and he wouldn't have got many gifts then.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 6:01 pm
I think it's good for older children to get a job and pay for the wants in life ... want & needs are very different ... and not everybody walks away with tons of money for their bar mitzva ...
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bubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 08 2008, 11:48 pm
OP...very often the Yeshiva has "spares"...either their own or Seforim that Talmidim never bothered taking with them. Have you tried asking what's lying around? You'd be surprised!
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grin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 09 2008, 2:44 am
bubby wrote:
OP...very often the Yeshiva has "spares"...either their own or Seforim that Talmidim never bothered taking with them. Have you tried asking what's lying around? You'd be surprised!

or borrowing them from families with older children?
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