Anyone else against dorming for high school?

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 3:52 pm

I dont like the idea. Thankfully we have many high schools locally and short bus rides away.
Thankfully my husband and I are on the same page with this.
Too many stories. But am I alone in this feeling?
And I feel this way for both boys and girls.

amother

Cognac ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 4:56 pm

Same!!!! Our kids are very little still, but DH and I are both intending to keep our boys home at least until age 16, preferably 18. Even the “best yeshivos” are not a substitute for parenting. Plus all the meshigas and questionable supervision (vaping, risk of s.exual abuse c”v, etc)… 14 is really really young to go away from home.

amother

Electricblue ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:11 pm

Rav wolbe was against it - and there where other gedolim too, forget the names

That being said, the local options are not always a good fit, and often people dont have a choice

amother

↑ Electricblue

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:11 pm

BTW - why are so many people anti dorming, but totally cool with camp

IMHO it is the same problem, and we try to push it off as much as we can

amother

Dill

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:18 pm

Mother of multiple teenage boys here (some dormed, most were local). I voted against dorming (I feel it’s really not ideal).

I do want to mention that I rarely see my boys in local mesivtas either. They leave before I wake up and sometimes come home after I’m already in bed. I think in the “yeshivish” system, you basically turn your boys over to be raised by the hanhala of their yeshiva and their peers as soon as they hit ninth grade. I really wish it wasn’t like that.

(My high school boys who dormed really only “semi dormed”- they came home every shabbos, the ones who went to local mesivtas had more in shabbosim than the ones who dormed! Maybe if my kids were gone every shabbos I’d think there was a significant difference-between dorming and not dorming-but in my experience they were both fairly similar and really limited the amount of time the boys spent at home 😢)

HonesttoGod

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:31 pm

Unfortunately not everyone has the luxury of being “for” or “against”.
Additionally I have seen it been great for some kids and terrible for others so I guess it really is totally dependent on a parents decision, situation, and child’s personality.

amother

Sand ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:31 pm

It depends on the kid

Not up to high school yet but it changed my dads life dorming in yeshiva and he’s still close with his friends, rabbeim made him who he is today 40+ years later

mha3484 ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:37 pm

I think it is very kid specific. Some really thrive in a dorm and some don’t. But when they don't get home until 10 pm and leave again at 7am there isnt a lot of quality time happening.

peachmommy

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:37 pm

Do you know how many people don't have the option? And wish wish to keep their kids longer. But have no Frum schools within driving distance. It's not just about being pro or not

amother

Daphne

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:45 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

BTW - why are so many people anti dorming, but totally cool with camp

IMHO it is the same problem, and we try to push it off as much as we can

I don't send my boys to sleep away camp either.

Cheiny ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow, I can’t believe how many voted against, as I did. Just as I think the fad of having to send girls to Israel for sem is ridiculous as well, especially when parents bankrupt themselves to do so, simply because, “OMG HOW ELSE WILL THEY EVER GET MARRIED????”

I think it’s horrendous to send out immature 14 year olds to be on their own, especially in this day and age when there are so many dangers out there! I’ve heard nightmare stories from firsthand sources about drinking, smoking and worse going on in even yeshivish type dorms.

Why are parents so willing to prematurely and irresponsibly give up raising their own children? No doubt because some must keep up with the fads…

↑ Cheiny ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:46 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

Rav wolbe was against it - and there where other gedolim too, forget the names

That being said, the local options are not always a good fit, and often people dont have a choice

I don’t believe for a minute that they don’t have a choice, unfortunately I know of people personally who are only too happy to have their kids “out of their hair,” in not so many words.

amother

Hibiscus

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:48 pm

I avoid making general statements.

My parents were very against dorming bshita.

So my brother was sent to the local option that was very inappropriate for him. Too rigid, too extreme for him, too many rules.
And I watched that yeshiva ruin him for 3 years, turn him into a shell because he couldn't keep up, couldn't follow the rules, couldn't maintain the standards that they expected.
And to my parents, that was preferable than sending him OOT to dorm because "at least they could keep an eye on him"

Finally a Rebbi (who my brother owes his life to) realized what was going on and he formally threw my brother out of yeshiva, leaving my parents no choice but to find an OOT dorming option, where he turned his life around and thrived.

This whole thing ruined my brother's relationship with my parents.

So I don't make general statements.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:50 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

BTW - why are so many people anti dorming, but totally cool with camp

IMHO it is the same problem, and we try to push it off as much as we can

A summer away is a whole lot less time than all year round for 4 years straight (and then no doubt the “must” of sending them to Israel for beis medrash.)

amother

PlumPink

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:52 pm

We don't have a choice, no local high schools. My kids leave home at 8th grade.

There are a lot of advantages and disadvantages.

I think we avoid a lot of teenage "stuff" just because we're not grating on each other's nerves the whole time. They gain a lot of independence. With cell phones (BH for them!) I can still stay in pretty close touch with them. I don't have to worry about parentifying super-helpful girls because they are usually not at home and can focus on their schooling and friends (plus a few hours of chesed during the week).

If you don't fully trust the hanhala, that's bad. I've had some experiences with DS in mesivta that were not very good, but then again they might have happened even without a dorm. I do miss the random long conversations we have when they are home. It's harder to make that happen over the phone.

I do prioritize spending hours a day on the phone with my kids that are away, I'm not sending them off and done with them.

bigsis144

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:55 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I don’t believe for a minute that they don’t have a choice, unfortunately I know of people personally who are only too happy to have their kids “out of their hair,” in not so many words.

Some people live in towns where there simply isn’t a high school that fits their derech or their child.

A newer community without an established high school, or a fading older community

A kiruv community where the day school may have been an acceptable fit but the high school options are too permissive

A child who is more “out of the box” than their family and community and needs a more diverse or relaxed environment

A child with special needs (neurodivergent, gifted, etc) in a community where the 1 or 2 existing high schools don’t meet their needs

A child with a difficult home dynamic who would actually benefit from getting away for longer periods

What on earth do you mean you don’t believe they don’t have a choice? Sometimes the choices nearby aren’t really workable options

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 02 2024, 5:57 pm

I don't have any boys. But I've seen nephews who thrived in dorm/yeshiva, and some for whom it was the worst thing.
Wouldn't it be great if kids came with a manual that told parents exactly what to do?

One nephew who did really well - went to a yeshiva not that far away. He could come home when needed - longish car ride. His grandparents lived even closer to where he dormed, and other family members. I remember my SIL packing care-packages for him while he was there.

One nephew who did poorly was a plane ride away.