Validation for teen DS. Girlfriend

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Dec 06 2024, 9:02 am

DS (18) is not a yeshiva bochur. He resisted that path early on.
He has a girlfriend. We prefer he not but its too late for that.
The relationship is fizzling (as we fully expected) but he is trying to hold on to it though he isnt sure why.
I believe a relationship for him validates him and his sense of self worth.
My question is, what sources validate a teen? What does that even look like?
He has loving parents. He gets good grades. He has friends, although I think his friends are not the sensitive, confidant type. They are the type to joke around and one-up each other in the name of innocent teenage banter and fun. DS has a therapist that he talks to on occasion. He feels it’s helpful but he doesnt really internalize the helpful strategies that they talk about.
I partly see this validation thing as a natural teen “growing up” problem where his life and expectations are much more wide-open and not defined by a structured, frum lifestyle path so he is trying to figure it all out in a sea of what seems to be endless possibilities.
So again, the question is basic. Where does teen validation come from?

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Dec 06 2024, 4:28 pm

Teens like to compare themselves to peers. He is smart and gets good grades and athletic and nice. A generally good person and has good work ethic. Yet this is not enough in his eyes.

amother

Watermelon

Sat, Dec 07 2024, 12:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

Teens like to compare themselves to peers. He is smart and gets good grades and athletic and nice. A generally good person and has good work ethic. Yet this is not enough in his eyes.

This is just wrong.
Why should he feel validated in comparison with other people? Is that your measure of achievement for yourself?

Is he challenged so he feels self accomplished?
Many teens do not feel accomplished by comparing but by innate achievement. If he isn't feeling challenged in himself, no comparison will make any difference.

But I don't understand what validation has to do with this anyway. If it was a boy, would you be worried? so it's a girl? if you break up from a friend, you feel down. You question what is wrong with you.