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Taking away bedroom door as punishment
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 3:10 pm
"She was mad and slammed the door to her bedroom. We took away her door to her bedroom as a punishment."

I flipped out when I heard this; I told them that having no doors on a bedroom is one of the signs of child abuse, and you can be reported to child protection services for that. They say "Well what of people who grow up in a one or two bedroom house- you'll also report them for not giving each individual kid their privacy behind their own private door?"

Am I exagerating, or does anyone else think that such a punishment is very wrong?

(Let me add that while this girl is under bas mitzva, she is living in a house with non biological relative males, making it all the more inappropriate, imo, for her to not have a door to her bedroom.)
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shosh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 3:18 pm
I have not removed a bedroom door as a punishment for slamming it. I'd never do that. I don't think, even though it's annoying, that it's a big enough offense to do that, especially as there would clearly be a tsnius problem.

However, when my oldest ds flipped out and started removing his bedroom door (knowing that it was almost impossible to put it back on its hinges without calling a neighbour), I left it off for several months. Same with when he deliberately ripped the light switch off his wall. I didn't replace it for a long time, and there was no light in the boys' room. I only paid an electrician to put it back a few months later, because it bothered his younger brother. And - guess what? He doesn't do it anymore!

Sometimes these punishments are justified - but in context. Report me to the social services if you will ...

In the case mentioned at the beginning of this thread, I don't think I'd take the door off, however. I would say that it would be better to make no issue of the slamming. Chances are, she'll see it won't get the desired reaction and she'll get bored.

It all depends on the context in this one.
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Mimisinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 3:32 pm
I think they totally overreacted and so did you. That is no problem that CPS would be called - that's ridiculous. As for taking the door off the hinges because of one slam? That's ridiculous as well.
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 3:35 pm
I'm horrified. I agree that taking away basic human privacy is a form of abuse. There are other ways to discipline a child. There are door thingies that you can put on a door so that it can be closed but not slammed. And most important is to get to the root of the reason a child would want to slam a door in order to work on that, not on the result. On the cause.
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cubbie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 3:49 pm
Mimisinger wrote:
I think they totally overreacted and so did you. That is no problem that CPS would be called - that's ridiculous. As for taking the door off the hinges because of one slam? That's ridiculous as well.


ditto
There are definitely boundary and parenting issues here if the response to a child slaming a door is to take it off the hinges, rather than to get to the cause of the behaviour. But to go as far as child abuse is in my opinion is way OTT.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 4:33 pm
Mimisinger wrote:
I think they totally overreacted and so did you. That is no problem that CPS would be called - that's ridiculous. As for taking the door off the hinges because of one slam? That's ridiculous as well.
Well, they told her that until she can start working on her jealousy (which was the cause of her slamming the door), the door stays off. I think its a cruel and unusual punishment. I've read when cps comes and they see no doors on bedrooms, its considered one of the signs of abuse.
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mamacita




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 4:40 pm
I had my door taken away as a child for slamming it in one instance where my bro's fingers got caught in it (if I remember correctly). It was degrading, I had to get dressed in the bathroom. Of course now I know many people who choose to dress and undress only in the bathroom so it's not the worst thing, and it sure kept me from slamming and accidentally or otherwise hurting my sibling. Sad

I wasn't abused, I don't think it was a form of abuse, if I was to start therapy there are plenty of other things I'd have to talk about besides that punishment. hehe
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Mimisinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 4:44 pm
amother wrote:
Mimisinger wrote:
I think they totally overreacted and so did you. That is no problem that CPS would be called - that's ridiculous. As for taking the door off the hinges because of one slam? That's ridiculous as well.
Well, they told her that until she can start working on her jealousy (which was the cause of her slamming the door), the door stays off. I think its a cruel and unusual punishment. I've read when cps comes and they see no doors on bedrooms, its considered one of the signs of abuse.


It might be a sign that abuse it going on (otherwise why would cps be there?) but it's not a form of abuse. Meaning, taking a door off of a child's room for punishment is not abuse, but it could indicate s-xual abuse, by not allowing privacy, etc.
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Mimisinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 4:46 pm
Oh and btw, I don't think a child slamming the door once, or even more is something that needs to be looked into. It's a loud signifier that a child is angry. Oh and it feels good! Nothing is worse than storming off angry and then slamming your door to signify your ultimate anger - and then there be no noise LOL

Not that I do this, but I seem to remember as a teenager, my "walkoff" not going as well as planned Smile
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 5:36 pm
I have threatened to take my dd door off her room -- for a few reasons -slamming is one and never coming out is another reason why I want the door off-- privacy is good when it is used correctly!! but sometimes our children need to see that they are part of a family and join the family !
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 5:38 pm
I don't understand. People permanently remove their children's doors, eliminating all chance of privacy? For real?
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shosh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 5:48 pm
As I said before, in my case, DS removed it himself several times. I could see it was his way of getting attention or control. I therefore showed him that the only one who would suffer was him (and unfortunately his younger brother, to whom I explained the situation and was amazingly understanding). But I wouldn't just take it off as a means of punishment in itself.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 6:10 pm
I would absolutely remove a child's bedroom door as a temporary measure, but for bigger offenses. So if I think my daughter is doing drugs in her bedroom and locks the door and does not let me in, I would remove the door as a first step.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 6:36 pm
the door off is not permanent-- it is for a short time period till the child learns to have respect and give respect
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 6:42 pm
honestly, the punishment does not fit the crime. It is too extreme.

101 of parenting: punishments have to be appropriate and mildy irritating. I would call this way exceedingly irritating.

What does it mean "when you are not too jealous" the girl will get the door back? huh? I don't think that the parent's response is a normal reaction. And I would go as far as to say that it in it's own way, it is psychological abuse. And I'm not one who goes and calls everything abuse, mind you. But this is so bogus.
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cubbie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 6:43 pm
amother wrote:
the door off is not permanent-- it is for a short time period till the child learns to have respect and give respect


How is a child supposed to learn to have respect if the child isn't shown respect?

Shosh - your situation is very different that is a lesson of learning consequences to actions and an appropriate response IMHO
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 6:45 pm
[quote="cubbie"]
How is a child supposed to learn to have respect if the child isn't shown respect? /quote]

excellent point!
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buzzinmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 6:47 pm
teaching ur children by example is definately the way to go...but taking the door off their room now that is a lil eextreme shock ...there has to be a way to get through to them w/o being so literal...
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red sea




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 7:22 pm
its a mighty too large punishment imo for a slammed door but its ridiculous to call abuse, ya never heard of using the bathroom for privacy? I agree with marina with what that punishment cud be of use to.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 19 2008, 7:33 pm
There are other ways to punish a child than to take away their one means of achieving privacy, which I feel is important to the development of a sense of self, not to mention helps afford a person a chance to decompress, relax, dream, etc. The notion that one can't lie on the bed and think without someone coming by and observing is just wrong, in my opinion. That also leaves no option of escaping from annoying siblings. Is that really the only privilege that can be taken away from a misbehaving child -- his or her sense of privacy? Seems totally extreme.

And as far as drugs, if you think taking off the door will prevent drug use, think again. There's still a door on the bathroom.
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