raising a generation of future husbands

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Forum -> Parenting our children

Raising a generation of future husbands

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amother

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 11:33 am

Reading so many posts about husbands who don't help/c"v abuse/are selfish etc etc. has made me wonder. What type of upbringing have these men had? What are their parents like? Why don't they understand that what they are doing is so wrong?!!!!!!!

I really feel and believe that if they had a good upbringing they might be better husbands (and people as a whole).

I write this from experience.. B"h I have a wonderful, loving, helpful husband. I really think it is because of the way he was brought up, the type of home he came from, his parents' priorities etc.

Let's try to do the same for our future daughters-in-law (and the world at large). Let's try to raise our sons with an understanding of another person, what it means to be sensitive and caring. Show them how they can help out in the house, not out of obligation but because they are part of a family and want to do it. Teach them what it means to appreciate and show appreciation. There's so much more I could go on forever.....

Let's hope that the next generation of mothers on imamother will only have good things to say about their marriages and their husbands.

hisorerus

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 11:38 am

I'm raising my son so he won't expect his wife to have the house clean every night, or fancy supper cooked. I'm raising him to expect that Tatties help with kids, wash dishes, cook, and clean up. I claim I'm doing this for the good of my future daughter-in-law, and that I'm assuring him a good marriage.

I guess I'll have to change my tune when I have a daughter, IY"H...

amother

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 11:43 am

That's exactly what I mean, hisorerus.
Sounds like your little one will make a great husband. LOL

queen

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 11:59 am

amother- you have a very valid point............ why posted as amother?

red sea

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 1:00 pm

amother I love that you started this thread and your post - I am also raising my sons this way. Besides the obvious - it should be done this way, I want to give them the tools for a good marriage and to be good fathers iy"h.

amother

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 1:04 pm

queen, I absolutely KNEW that someone would ask me that question.
I just felt that it's not right to brag about how wonderful my husband is in public especially when way too many women here have husbands that aren't quite that.
Otherwise I definitely would not have posted as amother. Nothing private there.

micki

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 7:36 pm

my DIL's will love me- I hope! nad I think the best education is by example-
my boys and hubby make challa and me and my daughter were changing light bulbs!

amother

Tue, Jan 10 2006, 7:59 pm

This is something I have also thought about. My husband came into our marriage not knowing anything about how to take care of a family. It drove me insane and caused us major shalom bias problems because so much was my responsibility because he didn't know how to do anything. This also made me wonder how to prepare my sons for thier G-d willing future marriages.

happymom

Wed, Jan 11 2006, 7:00 am

I think EXAMPLE is the KEY!!!! They way parents behave is the best way for children to learn what a relationship is... how to treat people.. how to deal with emotions.... they look to their parents to see what to do. So when fathers help.. sons learn to help. when wives respect their husbands, their daughters learn to respect their husbands etc... we learn from our parentS Exclamation

Blossom

Wed, Jan 11 2006, 7:35 am

Amother I wish we could print your post on flyers and distribute it to all Jewish homes worldwide.
Some of the posts here regarding husbands are really upsetting..........I bet you such husbands aren't very happy people.........Happiness comes from giving.

cindy324

Wed, Jan 11 2006, 11:00 am

Quote:

Hey, I've got 3 daughters, maybe we can make a shidduch somewhere down the line? LOL

happymom

Wed, Jan 11 2006, 11:17 am

Quote:

I agree... But I also see it the other way around. It is also very upsetting how many wives dont respect thier husbands, nag, and are never happy with what thier husbands do for them. They expect thier husbands to read thier minds, and dont communicate. this is also sad.

hisorerus

Wed, Jan 11 2006, 12:01 pm

A clean house is a Segula for Sholom Bayis.

A dirty house is a Segula for Sholom Bayis for your sons. Smile

DefyGravity

Wed, Jan 11 2006, 12:16 pm

happymom wrote:

Quote:

That's a very good point. One time I got mad at my husband for sitting around while I was cleaning. I yelled at him and told him to get off his butt and help me. He made a good point when he told me that he can't be expected to read my mind. He'd be more than happy to help, he just wanted to know exactly what I wanted done.

Motek

Thu, Jan 12 2006, 9:26 am

hisorerus wrote:

I don't agree with this type of child-raising (sorry hisorerus, I like you anyway Smile

). My father was and is an excellent husband and he did not wash dishes, cook, and clean the house. He DID spend enormous amounts of time with us kids, though not much in childcare.

My parents filled the traditional roles of father leaves house every morning and comes home at night and provides for his family, while my mother was the homemaker and did not expect her husband to get up in the middle of the night for the baby or do any housecare since that was HER job and he had HIS. I will add that both my parents did errands outside the home.

Unless the mother is working fulltime because that is the arrangement the couple chose, I see no reason for the husband to do BOTH his job (whether it's learning or working) and hers. This is not to say that he shouldn't give a hand on Shabbos or other times, but not that he is "expected" to do all the things you enumerated.

and my brother is an excellent husband!

And why shouldn't the wife have the house clean and tidy when her husband walks in the door at night? I'm not talking Pesach-clean, but basic clean and tidy!

And who needs fancy suppers other than on special occasions, but a nice hot supper, yes!

I notice that you write that you "claim ... " which sounds like training your son is far from your mind and that you have other reasons ... Wink

Mommy912

Thu, Jan 12 2006, 9:53 am

Motek wrote:

My parents filled the traditional roles of father leaves house every morning and comes home at night and provides for his family, while my mother was the homemaker and did not expect her husband to get up in the middle of the night for the baby or do any housecare since that was HER job and he had HIS.

Motek, could your strong views on a mother not working while there are kids at home have anything to do with this?

Just a little bit of

amother

Thu, Jan 12 2006, 10:57 am

and if you have a husband who doesnt help much, how can you raise your sons to help when the example they see is the opposite?

happymom

Thu, Jan 12 2006, 11:13 am

Quote:

Motek, could your strong views on a mother not working while there are kids at home have anything to do with this?

If yes, then its a good thing to learn from ones parents anyhow!

about an example. even if the husband isnt a good example (which does help when he IS!) it cant hurt to teach sons to help out with things around the house. Although in my family my father does help ALOT but its was never anything like you did this and ill do that.... and u must do more becasue I did ab and c etc! this sint right I dont think... my father just helped out when he could. my brothers are very helpful!!!![/list]

Last edited by happymom on Thu, Jan 12 2006, 4:20 pm; edited 2 times in total

red sea

Thu, Jan 12 2006, 11:28 am

amother wrote:

and if you have a husband who doesnt help much, how can you raise your sons to help when the example they see is the opposite?

I'm not quite sure but my friends brother grew up like that, he was always saying really chauvinistic stuff, and now she laughs, he's married and is the perfect doting husband - so maybe a mothers influence is big too. Even in your husband doesn't help much he can still be on board with all children helping.

Motek

Thu, Jan 12 2006, 11:30 am

Mommy912 wrote:

Motek, could your strong views on a mother not working while there are kids at home have anything to do with this?

but of course!
don't need Freud to figure that one out! Wink

and that mothers should raise their kids is obvious, is it not ...

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