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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Daughter doesn't want to go on school Shabatton



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bigmomma




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2008, 11:35 pm
My 12th grade daughter does not want to go on her class Shabbaton this Shabbos, she would rather just stay home. This is not the 12th grade graduation trip which will take place later in the year. Her friends are going but she says she'd rather save me the $160 . and stay home. Part of her reasoning is that she'll be going to a different Shabatton with other friends in two weeks which she registered for a long time ago and would rather go to that one than the one from her school. Should I just let it go or try to convince her to go with her classmates?
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2008, 11:37 pm
unless she's been exhibiting symptoms of depression or some such, why push it? she's a big girl.
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bigmomma




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2008, 11:40 pm
O.P. here, No depression at all B'H, just much more interested in the Shabatton coming up in two weeks and not particularly interested in doing both. But I just don't like her to seperate herself from her classmates by not going etc.... Is this important to pursue or not?
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2008, 11:40 pm
I don't think it's important if it's not important to her.
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smiley:)




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2008, 11:43 pm
bigmomma wrote:
My 12th grade daughter does not want to go on her class Shabbaton this Shabbos, she would rather just stay home. This is not the 12th grade graduation trip which will take place later in the year. Her friends are going but she says she'd rather save me the $160 . and stay home. Part of her reasoning is that she'll be going to a different Shabatton with other friends in two weeks which she registered for a long time ago and would rather go to that one than the one from her school. Should I just let it go or try to convince her to go with her classmates?


I was one of those types who never wanted to go on shabbatonim. Don't push her. Even if she has another reason for not going, why push her and then have her not happy to be there?
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SuperMama




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 11 2008, 11:45 pm
Honestly, I wouldn't push her to go on this trip unless it's a very small school where the teachers and administration would mind. Otherwise, I think it is her decision.
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ClaRivka




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2008, 12:23 am
I'd push her. Tell her you dont mind spending the money cuz you kno she'll enjoy herself.

I think its so important for girls to do things together as a school or as a class. It makes them realize that they are important and that other girls can be fun too. Maybe she'll talk to a girl she never spoke to b4 and find a life long friend.

Its like I told my friend yesterday, she didnt want to go to a Nshei program her husbands kollel was having. Her excuse was that she has enough friends. Thats a disgusting way to think. Youre keeping urself soo limited. And your stealing the opportunity from other girls to let them have the opportunity to know and learn from you!

I hated shabbatons and highschool, etc but in the end, when ur pushed into things you end up enjoying urself bc what have u got to lose???
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SuperMama




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2008, 12:25 am
BTW are you sure of what her real reason is for not going? Maybe there is something deeper I don't know. Are her friends going on this shabbaton etc?
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Fabulous




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2008, 11:35 am
You mentioned the money, is money an issue that she worries you spending? Are they the same friends she's going on the other shabbaton with?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2008, 12:15 pm
If she were a freshman, I'd encourage participation b/c she's just starting out and needs to make friends and become part of the team. But she's a senior. Whatever freinds she's going to make, she's already made, whatever reputation she's going to have, she already has, and these girls won't be her classmates any more after June. Let her be.
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cindy324




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2008, 6:01 pm
Quote:
I'd push her. Tell her you dont mind spending the money cuz you kno she'll enjoy herself.



I disagree about the pushing part. May be she has a good reason for wanting to stay home. Maybe some of the girls in the class are too clique-y, maybe she desn't get along with them well enough to want to spend an entire weekend with them.

I do agree with the part about making sure she knows you don't mind spending the money, IF she wants to go.

Quote:
I think its so important for girls to do things together as a school or as a class. It makes them realize that they are important and that other girls can be fun too. Maybe she'll talk to a girl she never spoke to b4 and find a life long friend.


Yes, but by the time you're in 12th grade, there are friendships already formed, so it's not like she's just getting to know the class. Girls that age should be able to make their own decisions about school trips and such.

Quote:
Her excuse was that she has enough friends. Thats a disgusting way to think.


Disgusting??? Don't you think that's a bit strong a word to use here. Maybe you like to make as many friends as possible, but for some the few they have is more than enough, and don't feel like devoting any more of themselves to another person, who may take away from their time with their family and curret friends.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2008, 6:21 pm
Since she's as old as she is, I'd let her know my feelings, and that you don't mind paying, but leave the decision up to her. But also let her know you're available to listen if there is a deeper reason, and that you encourage her to talk to someone about it if that's the case - even if that someone isn't you.

Cute story - my 6th grader refused to go on a Shabbaton, and wouldn't explain why. Finally she said she'll go if I buy her mouthwash to use on Shabbos. It was such a simple preteen self consciousness thing. Rolling Eyes
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 12 2008, 7:03 pm
I'm of the belief she should go ... she'll feel left out when everybody comes back and all the talk is about the shabbaton ... if the money is no issue please let her know - and if the money is an issue see what the school can do to help ... even though she is a big girl - I would do some convincing ...
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 13 2008, 12:22 pm
smiley:) wrote:
I was one of those types who never wanted to go on shabbatonim. Don't push her. Even if she has another reason for not going, why push her and then have her not happy to be there?


I agree completely! I obviously can't speak for all schools, but the schools my DDs attend seem to think that being a bit of a loner is some kind of pathology. Now, obviously, if someone is an extreme loner (or excessively reliant on having friends around, for that matter!), there may be a need for intervention. But lots of us -- including me -- go absolutely nuts without lots of "alone time" to think, read, etc.

When I was in high school, I had a fair number of friends, but I didn't see most of them outside of school, and I absolutely hated most of the organized activities -- they seemed designed by and for people who couldn't stand to be by themselves for more than two minutes! People are different when it comes to how much social interaction they want or can tolerate, and socializing with friends isn't everyone's raison d'etre.
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smiley:)




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 13 2008, 1:29 pm
She is a big girl. She is not in 3rd grade, but is in 12th grade. That means she is 17 or 18 yrs old. She can decide what she wants. Perhaps she doesnt want to tell the whole reason she doesn't want to go either. I remember when I was in 9th grade and there was a grade shabbaton. I simply didn't want to go. On top of that my grandmother had just broken her hip and I was emotional about it. Everyone tried to figure me out but I wasn't in the mood to talk. I wanted to be left alone. I was entitled, no?

Also in your daughters case (unlike mine) she isn't being totally antisocial. You mentioned that other shabbaton she is going on. Even if she was being totally antisocial (like me!), if she wants to be antisocial and you are telling your nearly adult child not to be antisocial I don't believe she would go out and be a social butterfly if her mind is set against it.

I also never understood - I was with people (friends) over 8 hours a day every day. If I felt like having a day off from seeing them, what is the problem?
I still see it in my life now - people drive me NUTS for being more quiet and more of a loner. That is how I am comfortable. People try to convince me I am uncomfortable with the life style I lead but in reality the only thing I am uncomfortable with is their assessment of me and constantly pushing me to be someone I am not.
Just something to keep in mind.
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smilingmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 13 2008, 4:48 pm
My DD also has declined to attend her class Shabbaton. She said that she usually does not enjoy them that much but she will be attending the Motzei Shabbos program they will have. I guess, as much as I would prefer her to go to the whole Shabbaton, you can't really pressure them too much. For my DD it was the pressure of the Shabbos Clothes fashion show.
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avigailmiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 13 2008, 6:06 pm
Fox wrote:
smiley:) wrote:
I was one of those types who never wanted to go on shabbatonim. Don't push her. Even if she has another reason for not going, why push her and then have her not happy to be there?


I agree completely! I obviously can't speak for all schools, but the schools my DDs attend seem to think that being a bit of a loner is some kind of pathology. Now, obviously, if someone is an extreme loner (or excessively reliant on having friends around, for that matter!), there may be a need for intervention. But lots of us -- including me -- go absolutely nuts without lots of "alone time" to think, read, etc.

When I was in high school, I had a fair number of friends, but I didn't see most of them outside of school, and I absolutely hated most of the organized activities -- they seemed designed by and for people who couldn't stand to be by themselves for more than two minutes! People are different when it comes to how much social interaction they want or can tolerate, and socializing with friends isn't everyone's raison d'etre.


I had so many bad experiences with teachers trying to force me to be social. I'm naturally, introverted, quiet and shy. I was always MISERABLE on school activities. I had my friends, but by the time the weekend rooled around I wanted, and desperately needed, to be alone.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 13 2008, 8:20 pm
I hated school shabbotonim. I could never get my much needed shabbos nap.

She might have to have a good reason to miss shabaton. The school might make a big deal about it.
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