kallah picked the chatan's shomer

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 1:06 am

my husband has a close friend getting married soon and he was asked by him to be his shomer.

now, for reasons that I am not going to go into (irelavant to the thread) his kallah told him that she wanted someone else, not my husband to be his shomer. so he is going to have two guys b/c he wants my hsuband as his shomer.

but did anyone ever hear that the kallah should be the one to pick the shomer for the chatna? it does not sound right to me.

Mimisinger

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 1:15 am

I see that the reasons are irrelevant to this thread, however, I think they are totally relevant.

If the kallah thinks your dh is a bad influence, then her not wanting him would make sense and it would make sense that her chosson would take her feelings and opinion into account.

I can't see how the reason wouldn't be relevant.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 1:27 am

the reason, which are not true, they are her PERSEPTIONS of him, is that she THINKS that he is charedi (this is not to bash or be mean about charedim, im just stating what we were told) and that he did not do the army.

I mean come on, thats a reason?

greenfire

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 1:27 am

it's hard to answer w/o the reasons ... one could imagine many things that may or may not be the case ... like kalla sounds controlling - why should she pick - what does chosson say to dh and why have 2 ... sounds like a female fight over bridesmaid ... like I said though this is my own assumptions & imagination without knowing the info ...

HindaRochel

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 1:33 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I know it feels hurtful to you and your dh but try and not let it bother you too much. I don't know how you were but some brides find that period quite lonely and maybe at the heart of it she feels she by choosing his shomer she has also connected herself to her Chosson during this time. It may have nothing to do with your dh at all. She gave a reason to make it seem logical to herself. That's may be all it is.

HindaRochel

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 2:34 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I guess, it just seemed VERY weird to me.

It is a little odd, but then Kallah's are allowed to be a little odd. Honestly, don't worry about it. She's probably just jittery as I said and this is a way of allowing her to feel connected and calm. Kind of like a segula or any other bad luck kind of thing people do. I don't really believe in ayin ha'rah etc. but sometimes the "not doing" or "doing this" instaed gives a feeling of comfort.

Raizle

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 3:10 am

Our shomrim weren't even a topic of discussion when we were engaged.
I haven't a clue who my husband's shomer was. And why one shomer? I used whoever was available at the time

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 3:15 am

Raizle wrote:

Our shomrim weren't even a topic of discussion when we were engaged.
I haven't a clue who my husband's shomer was. And why one shomer? I used whoever was available at the time

im not sure what your point you are trying to make here is. please explain.

Raizle

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 3:17 am

just that I think it's weird that the kallah is getting involved in who the shomer is.
what's unclear about my post?

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 3:18 am

Raizle wrote:

just that I think it's weird that the kallah is getting involved in who the shomer is.
what's unclear about my post?

got it. dont know, the way you worded it, I just was not sure what you were saying.

but now that I am sure, yes, I also thought that it was a bit weird that she was getting involved with who her chatan's shomer was.

Raizle

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 3:22 am

Also, I didn't have a set shomer. When I needed to go out I'd arrange with whoever was available, my mother, sister or my friend.
It sounds like this kallah is treating it as something one has to qualify for. Confused

amother

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 4:07 am

maybe bc she feel your dh is "chareidi"and she doesnt' know him,she can't ask about her chatan.
the shomer she chose,she can give him a call,and say can u relay this to my chatan.
what did u guys do today?etc etc.I think she is just trying to stay connected to her chatan,anyway she can.
its agony to not even talk to him for a whole week!
post amother,bc this is my friends screen name,(I'm still deciding whether to join or not)

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 5:11 am

amother wrote:

but she does. she met him a few times. and it is very obvious that we are not charedi, so I really dont get it.

shalhevet

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 5:25 am

I think it's very weird too, but I wouldn't say anything - why make trouble between chatan and kalla?

Let your husband do what he prefers - go or make some excuse, since someone else is there anyway.

ChossidMom

Sun, Dec 28 2008, 5:31 am

greenfire wrote:

I agree. I also agree that you should completely let it go. no need for any strife between chosson and kallah.