im stressed and looking for parenting advice

gold21

Sat, Jan 03 2009, 11:04 pm

Ok, I BH have a 2 and a half year old ds and a four and a half month old ds.

The two and a half year old has always required a lot of attention. As a newborn, he needed me for everything. He actually couldn't sleep except on my stomach when he was an infant, due to terrible acid reflux and the pain and discomfort he suffered. He used me as a lovey, a comfort, so to speak. I was either holding him or nursing him twenty-four-seven until he was three months old and I went to work.

Anyhoo, to make a long story short, he is BH a very well adjusted little boy. He is confident, outgoing, and friendly. He is in playgroup and does very well there. The morah loves him. He is not super-attached to me-he is comfortable with being watched by others sometimes.

However, his physical demands of newborn-hood seem to have manifested themselves into entertainment demands of toddlerhood. He needs me to entertain him all day long, except for the few hours a day when he's at playgroup.

Listen, I can't entertain him all day, I have another kid, and besides, I have household work to do.

Is it normal that he'll only play with his Krinkles or Legos if I'm playing too? It frustrates me that he won't play on his own. He kvetches, Mommy come sit, Mommy play with me. Or he follows me around the kitchen kvetching that he's bored. JUST PLAY ON YOUR OWN FOR TWENTY MINUTES!! is what I feel like saying. But no matter how much I try to encourage him to entertain himself, he's insanely bored.

Do I have the wrong toys or the wrong parenting approach? Please advise!

My next issue is that my baby has recently begun to wake up like seven times a night to nurse. I CANNOT FUNCTION LIKE THIS. My sleep is so broken up that I feel jittery in the morning.

He is a very big eater, but I don't think this is normal! He was sleeping thru the night 2 weeks ago, and then somehow fell into this horrible pattern. I don't believe in CIO. I don't know what in the world to do with this kid. He nurses like once an hour for four minutes each time.

Any help on that front would be appreciated as well.

Thanx, guys.

bubby

Sat, Jan 03 2009, 11:11 pm

Start the baby on solids in the evening. He's probably not getting satisfied. Try about 8 pm, & always bathe him before you settle him down for the night. Once he's warm, clean, dry, & dressed turn off the light, DO NOT make any eye contact, & nurse completely silently. It works like a dream, although I really recommend moms start doing that from day 1. You need to address your lack of sleep before you can effectively deal with #1.

As for #1, I turn that one over to everyone else. I just found what worked re sleeping for my 6!! During the day was a whole different issue, but at least if I was rested I could handle things better.

benny

Sat, Jan 03 2009, 11:13 pm

Do you ever try to arrange a playdate for your son? I have a daughter who was exactly like this at that age. It was very hard because no matter how much time I spent with her, the second I stopped, she stopped and it was back to kvetching all over again. But I came to realize she is a real people person and needs attention/socializing more than toys. When your baby gets a little older and they can play together it should hopefully get much better.
As far as your baby is concerned, maybe try that when she (he? dont remember if baby is boy or girl) gets up, just go pat her back to sleep instead of nursing her. Maybe she just needs to be lulled back to sleep and is using you as a pacifier- especially since you said she nurses about 4 minutes only. Maybe if she doesnt get hooked on nursing every hour, she will get over this real quickly. Good luck and I hope things work out.

levial

Sun, Jan 04 2009, 2:32 am

Set a "time" that you make more special for your older child each day. Even 30 minutes in AM or PM, but consistent. This is his time. I won't go and make dinner, answer phone, etc. I will get down on the floor and play with you. Tell him afterwards that you have to do household chore X and he can continue playing or help you.

After the minimum time, get up and say you are going to do household task a and that he can help or continue playing. If he whines, say, you and mommy will have your special time tomorrow and what should we do tomorrow.

I'd also do an extra 5 or 10 cuddling with him at night before bed.

Also praise when he does play by himself (look at the big helper you are). Point out what he can do that younger sibling cannot. (WOw, you can build a tower all by yourself.)

saboni

Sun, Jan 04 2009, 3:52 am

My first thought re the repeated waking at night is that maybe he is hungry, you can start him on solids. I also have two kids with a similar spacing, and by the time the baby was five or so months they were able to interact enough for the older one to want to "entertain" him and play together a little. So hopefully he'll enjoy a built-in friend very soon, and need less of your immediate attention!
Also, a thought - can you have him "help" you so he's busy with you? Like to load the dryer, take things out the dishwasher, bring you ingredients from the fridge, bring the baby toys...my son loves to help! It's fun for him, and keeps him busy and with me at the same time.

su7kids

Sun, Jan 04 2009, 4:46 am

I like Levial's advice, and also, you can offer him to come and play NEXT to you when you're doing housework, in the room you're in, etc.

Obviously he needs you. The house mess will wait and won't be psychologically affected if it waits, I promise. Your son, however, may. He needs this security of knowing his mommy is t here for him, and it probably won't change with any further childrne you have. He may be the one who is the most needy, even if he's older and he "understands".

Don't resent him needing you, be glad that he wants you.

Any chance you can take some more time off work? Its really really tough to raise kids and work all the time when they're so needy.

Also, find ways he can help you in the housework. It can work.

Good luck.

gold21

Sun, Jan 04 2009, 11:37 pm

Thanks so much for the responses!

Su7kids, what gave you the impression that I work? I don't, I stay at home.

Also, about leaving the housework and just entertaining ds1 all day cuz lack of housework won't cause psychological distress and lack of attention could supposedly cause that chas vesholom: hello, so what should I wear if I never do laundry and what should I eat if I never make supper and where should we sit if the couches and tables are cluttered? I think that there is a basic level of housework that must be done, regardless of DS's social needs. I don't see how a family can function otherwise. Wouldn't wearing dirty smelly clothing and eating corn from the can every night of our life be really really bad for us? So yeah I CAN'T entertain ds all day. Also, most importantly, I have another kid to care for!

He is very very social. Its true. But I can't have playdates around the clock. And he can't be at playgroup all day. There must be a solution....

su7kids

Sun, Jan 04 2009, 11:44 pm

gold21 wrote:

Sorry, I thought somewhere you said you were working part time.

Anyway, if you give him time in the morning, maybe it will satisfy him for longer. I think what you are looking for and needing is a change in attitude, where he's not "interfering" with your work, he IS your work! And if there is clutter, get him to help you put things away, and if you are making dinner, give him something to do while that's happening.

I sincerely believe that if you give them what they want when they want it and then set limits, its easier than saying "as soon as I'm done, I'll.... " Do whatever he wants first, and then you'll have time to get back to your needs.

Good luck.

Amital

Mon, Jan 05 2009, 4:03 am

My first thought with your youngest was a growth spurt--but if he is only nursing 4 minutes each time, maybe that's not the case. (I'm sure there are other posters out there who are better suited to answer that part.)

If you think your baby is going for nutrition, or to fill his tummy, maybe try giving more feedings during the day--or longer feedings. If you fill him up more during the day, maybe he will need less at night.

If it's for comforting, it's a little different, and you have to decide what works for you. I usually patted the baby's back instead of feeding them in this case, or picked them up but put them down without feeding once they'd calmed.

For your older son, I think that's somewhat normal at 2. My boys have wanted to play with me or someone constantly, too! But they do eventually get more interested in things that are more conducive to solo play. You can encourage it by starting with them, either with a set time for you to end or maybe saying I'll come back in 5 minutes. Then gradually space it out.

I also agree with all those posters who say let them help! My 2 year old LOVES to help me clean. I even bought him his own little vacuum for his birthday. It was the biggest hit! He loves to vacuum side by side with me, or clean off the table or lower shelves with socks on his hands. He also "folds" easy laundry, like washcloths and hand towels. It will usually keep his busy enough to let me get through a load.

And like my signature says...

btMOMtoFFBs

Mon, Jan 05 2009, 5:54 am

I have to say wanting so much of your attention is very normal for his age. I would definitely rotate his toys. Put away some that he's grown bored with and take out some new stuff to keep his attention longer than the same old stuff.

If you're cooking in the kitchen can he have his own pots, pans and spoons to play with? If you're cleaning, give him a shpritzer bottle (with water) and paper towels. I can't tell you how long this keeps my 3 yo dd busy!

Other toys that might keep him busy: water paint set, crayons, glue stick, scissors, stringing beads, hot wheels/Thomas trains, wooden blocks, play dough, etc.

Don't worry so much about the clean up some of these things need. Arts and crafts activities good for the hands and brain development and clean up is just part of play.

Hatzlacha