When do you get involved?

yo'ma

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 8:27 am

When my kids are arguing or literally fighting or calling each other names, I'm never sure when exactly when to get involved. Okay, the arguing, hopefully they'll come to a conclusion. The fighting, someone might get hurt and I don't want them to. Calling each other names, they just shouldn't do that. When do you get involved with your childrens fights? any age

supermama2

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 8:48 am

I guess for one example, when my 5 and 7 y.o. boys argue I step in as soon as I hear name calling or "I don't want a brother" type things going on b/c of the power of words. W/ physical fighting I also step in right away w/ the older 2 that I mentioned b/c they are tough boys LOL

With all ages I have ( the oldest almost 8 ) if it's a toy or the like, I offer to take it away for a while if they don't come up w/ a solution to the problem..

Aribenj

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 10:17 am

I've been wondering the same thing myself...

I thought when kids fight you're supposed to let them figure it out on their own. But my kids are 3.5 and almost 2 and I think they might be too young to "figure it out".

I tried letting them fight it out, which I don't think is necessarily a terrible thing, since they both learn that if you hit, someone is going to hit you back. But when they want the same toy (we're in the "mine" stage for the little one) then I have to step in and sort of say from the side, why don't you share? or it's Dd's turn now, when she is finished, then DS can play. Usually that's enough.

I wonder if I need to step in more though. I really hate the physical fighting...

Imaonwheels

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 11:36 am

I have 6 boys, it always gets physical.

I step in only if:

1. There is a major age or size difference.
2. Someone may get seriously hurt.
3. If something might get broken then I will make them take it outside.
4. If someone threatens to trash the others prized possessions to get even. (Can you tell I have teenagers?)

As to words, I have an extremely small list of words I will not tolerate at all.

Under no circumstances will I interfere in a fair fight between 2 evenly matched kids. I follow these same rules when parents come to me about their kids fighting with mine, if they are the same age do not ask me to get involved. B"H my kids have learned to handle their own issues and the older they get the more civilized they get.

mimivan

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 11:42 am

I'm assuming Imaonwheels, you mean only kids over the age of 3 when they already know not to hit...
I'd say I"d definitely get involved if it is a chinuch issue as well and I don't want the child to learn violent behavior from a sibling or someone else...

but this, to some, may be a stretch

grin

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 12:50 pm

mimivan wrote:

where do you live, in dreamland? show me boys who don't hit! but if they're evenly matched, they're either just getting it out of their system (and probably having a ball!) or they'll soon find a better way.
I agree with Imaonwheels - I only intervene if there's danger of serious harm.

cassandra

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 12:53 pm

I heard from a chinuch expert that he gets involved if an ambulance needs to be called. And he makes sure his kids know that too. Theory is that parental involvement blows up the conflict because it becomes about the parent choosing sides and the kids trying to win approval and affection for being right, and if the parents are apathetic the situation diffuses a lot faster.

yo'ma

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 1:59 pm

cassandra wrote:

I heard from a chinuch expert that he gets involved if an ambulance needs to be called.

I used to tell my children not to bother me unless there's blood or broken bones. LOL

Stepmum

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 5:17 pm

I think it's good for kids to learn to sort out issues on their own. I'm still working on staying out of my stepchildren's arguments, but my DH will interfere only when it's becoming dangerous, or when there's a lesson to be learnt. Mind you, they're almost 8 and 9, so they are capable of figuring things out on their own.

I feel that if you keep getting involved, a) the kids play on it, and, like a poster above said, try to convince you why they're right. And b) you become the policeman, and they may begin only to respond when you get involved, and the negative behaviour will continue when you're not there.

mimivan

Tue, Jan 13 2009, 9:17 pm

grin wrote:

mimivan wrote:

Yes, I must be living in a dreamland...my poor kids...no wonder I keep hollering "Stop hitting!"
Okay, so I guess I am told that I should tolerate a bit of violence.
But would anyone consider a 5 year old and a 2 year old evenly matched?
I didn't. I had to "take sides" to protect the 2 year old. And now my 5 year old has real 'issues" with my taking the toddler's "side." (I' m not really. I'm just protecting him. And my 5 year old has sensory issues and hits HARD) So I'm in a pickle...Any thoughts?

grin

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 1:31 am

mimivan, don't take sides, as in who is right. separate them bodily and explain that they went overboard. Maybe demonstrate to the older one games he can play with the younger one, even physically, like who can jump the farthest or crawl the lowest, etc, since children seem to need this outlet?

BTW, it's not the age that's the issue here, it's the danger involved that signals your intervention is necessary. But again, as little as possible.

Imaonwheels

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 9:58 am

Another thing about hitting. When boys end the fight its over. Girls may not hit but will hold a mean spirited "brogus" for weeks. I think that is much worse.

I still remember my brother and sister chasing each other with a broom and my mom looking up from the tv and saying "fight nice".

Another thing. If a kid comers and says "He hit me" that is LH. I do not ever believe unless I see it. I would rather them get away with it 1000 times than for me to mistakenly accuse them once.

I have at home now 13 -22. When they start fighting I have to guard the glass and furniture. That is why I will make them take it outside. But there was a time when I had a dd at 16 and boys from 14 - newborn. A teenage boy and girl close in age is THE absolute worst combination. But sometimes my 22 year old will "m'kaseach et hatzura" (you know Israeli Imamothers, don't you) on his 13 yr old little brother who the entire world basically agrees is one of the most annoying kids on the planet. DH is way to soft on the boys so I will often turn a blind eye to the big one when he makes seder by the younger boys.

Imaonwheels

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 9:59 am

Aribenj wrote:

So at what age do you stop interfering?

I mean, obviously, if your 18 month old is hitting your newborn, you stop him. But at what age do you step in?

Most kids learn how to defend themselves in gan or soon after.

amother

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 2:48 pm

[quote="Imaonwheels"]Another thing about hitting. When boys end the fight its over. Girls may not hit but will hold a mean spirited "brogus" for weeks. I think that is much worse. quote]

I am one of many girls and 1 boy. My mother always said it was almost impossible to stop us from fighting. Girls usually fight more with words than physically so separating them never works. She said if she put us in separate rooms we would just yell at eachother. The only solution was to get one of us out of the house. On the other hand when there's a physical fight (more often by boys) usually locking them in 2 separate rooms will help.

zigi

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 2:59 pm

when my child say he hit me. I say I'm sorry that you are hurt. if I didn't see the beging of the fight I say no hitting. I also say if you start up and you get hit back. its your problem if you don't want to get hurt don't start up. if they are fighting over a toy. I take the toy away. I also seperate the kids. sometimes I think that I should sign my kids up for wresting lessons. they are pretty good at it! I separate them when it looks like someone is going to get hurt. if they pushed someone off a chair etc... they are 20 months 3 and 4.

greenfire

Wed, Jan 14 2009, 3:45 pm

Imaonwheels wrote:

Girls may not hit but will hold a mean spirited "brogus" for weeks. I think that is much worse.

well ... I got both - they hit and hold grudges - a lifetime's worth ... I most definitely have to intercede ... and of course I get blamed for incitement getting stuck in the middle Banging head

so much for peace - girls Rolling Eyes