Defining lashon hara

ora_43

Fri, Feb 06 2009, 7:02 am

I think we can all agree that if you say something bad about someone it's lashon hara. My question: what if you think it's bad, but they don't? Or if neither of you think it's bad, but someone else might?

For example, if I have an MO friend who believes it's OK to shake a man's hand, and I accept that her rabbi approves and there's nothing wrong with it, could I tell a hareidi friend who thinks shaking hands is definitely negiah that it's something my first friend does, if I know the hareidi friend might then have a slightly negative perception of the MO friend, but it's not something the MO friend would ever hide? (For the sake of argument, let's pretend this came up naturally in the course of a conversation, like if hareidi friend were to say "It's so hard for me to get out of shaking hands at work. Doesn't MO-friend work in an office? What does she do?").

Or if someone accepts something about themselves and sees it as neutral, while someone else would consider it bad, is that OK? For example, if I accept that I'm a poor student, and see that as a personal trait like any other and not a negative thing, would it be lashon hara for one of my acquaintances to say to another, "ora_43 isn't a very good student"?

If anyone has sources I'd appreciate it, and I'd be happy to hear personal opinions as well.