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What to say to friend who just gave birth to DS baby
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 2:02 pm
A neighbor whom I am friendly with just gave birth to a Down's Syndrome baby. I am not a very close friend of hers - there is something of an age gap anyway - I'm sort of in between her age and her oldest child's age (who is around 20). But I see her frequently and we are friendly, always say hello, and sometimes stop and chat. In my heart I feel that while this has come as a shock to them and will be a huge challenge, they will find the strength to cope with the challenges and this child will iy"H be the apple of the (large) family's eye - especially with the usually upbeat and loving natures of DS children. But I would like to hear from others - especially those who have a child who was diagnosed with DS or other special needs at birth - what I should say when I see her - what she is likely to be happy to hear. Besides, of course, mazel tov and how beautiful and cute the baby is. Maybe that is all I should say? Or is it like ignoring an elephant in the room?

(amother only because I have posted identifying info. about myself under my sn, which would thereby give away my friend's identity to anyone who knows me and I don't think she'd appreciate a convo about her on the internet.)
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dillie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 2:05 pm
I think that
amother wrote:
mazel tov and how beautiful and cute the baby is
is just perfect. maybe with an accompanying stretchie!
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chaylizi




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 2:09 pm
before I read the thread, my first thought was mazel tov!
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natmichal




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 2:15 pm
mazal tov.
if you have info which can be relevant for her, you could offer it to her in a few weeks (if she is nursing, ask now how it's going b/c she might need help). but for now, her baby is the most beautiful thing in the world. Maybe ask if she needs help with cooking???
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jackiejoel3




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 2:16 pm
As a Social Worker the Mazel Tov suggestion is great. You can add something along the lines of how's everything going? This is a normal question to ask after someone has a baby but, also leaves it open if she feels like she wants to talk. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone you know but that isn't your close friend. If your up for the possibility that she may choose to "talk" to you can go ahead and add this question.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 2:19 pm
Been there. Believe me, the mother is so busy that a mazel tov is enough. If she wants to vent at some point, just listen.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 2:22 pm
amother wrote:
In my heart I feel that ... they will find the strength to cope with the challenges ... mazel tov and how beautiful and cute the baby is.


ah the words were right there ... (I don't believe in ignoring elephants of any color - just be sensitive in how you say it)
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manhattanmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 7:33 pm
I'd give a heartfelt mazal tov--no different than the way you'd wish anyone else mazal tov.
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downsyndrome




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 7:47 pm
I'd give her a hearty mazel tov and wish her lots of koach and siyata dishmaya upon her newfound nachas'diga challenge. Been there; read my heart.
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Pineapple




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 8:24 pm
kikavu wrote:
before I read the thread, my first thought was mazel tov!


Same here
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tovasmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 8:30 pm
I wholeheartedly endorse the suggestion of a Mazel Tov. When my dd with DS was born, everyone was on eggshells around us. I felt like I was cheated out of the regular Mazel Tovs which, frankly, I was entitled to. Treat her like any new mother. If you are close enough with her to offer help with other kids if and when she needs to take the new baby to appointments, there will be time enough to offer, believe me!
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mama-star




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 8:59 pm
you say mazal tov, of course! feel free to add any other nice things you feel, like, "lots of nachas," or "the baby is delicious," etc.
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GAMZu




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:37 pm
a friend of mine had a DS baby just over a year ago. The age situation between me and her is the same as between you and your acquaintance, as is the general relationship.
When she told me that her baby had DS, we were on the phone, so I never knew about it and didn't have time to prepare what to say (besides Mazal Tov, which is a given.)
She said, "I have to tell you something about my baby. She's not well..."
At which point my heart jumped and I imagined something awful.
"She has Down Syndrome."
I almost yelled out, "Baruch Hashem!" in relief. Good thing I didn't. Not a reaction one would appreciate when telling about their baby's condition. Wink
All I managed to reply was, "Oh! Really?" before she interjected with, "But there aren't any heart problems."
Then I really did exclaim, "B"H!" and it was appropriate.
I told her that as long as she was healthy, that was the important thing. The rest, Hashem will give them the strength to deal with.

Then I posted on this site asking for resources that might help the family, if anyone remembers. Many of the posters came through with great links, words of encouragement and personal stories, which I printed out (this family doesn't have internet) and bound together in a nice booklet for the mother.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:55 pm
that was heartwarming Gamzu...!
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mama-star




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 9:59 pm
gamzu, that is totally awesome what you did.

I remember seeing a book in barnes and noble, it was a collection of essays written by parents of ds kids. the essays talked about how happy the parents were, and it showed pics of the parents and their kids...it was so awesome. I don't remember the name of the book but I remember - strangely enough - that the press had a hebrew name even though I think it was a mormon publishing company!
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mama-star




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 05 2009, 10:07 pm
I found it! I can't believe it!!

here's a link to the group, click on the turquoise book called "gifts."
http://group.segullah.org/

I'm seriously impressed with myself.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 06 2009, 11:11 am
Just tell her Mazel Tov! I rem when was in high school and mom gave birth to baby with DS quite a few of my friends didn't even tell me mazel tov. Didn't need them to ask any questions, but just mazel tov what can be wrong with that?!
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Blair




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 25 2009, 8:10 am
I would just say MAZEL TOv and ask if she needs anything such as a meal etc......
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chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 25 2009, 8:32 am
GAMZu wrote:

I almost yelled out, "Baruch Hashem!" in relief. Good thing I didn't. Not a reaction one would appreciate when telling about their baby's condition. Wink

A similar thing happened to me, the son of a very very close family friend has DS, they weren't telling anyone - not even family (they didn't tell their parents until the pidyon). My siblings and DH sort of had an inkling that something was wrong perhaps DS but everyone kept it to themselves assuming if there was something to tell the parents would tell at their own time. When the baby was 6 mos. old I got a call from my mother along similar lines. My mother said she has something terrible to tell me about this particular baby - I was sure chvs the baby was terminal and when she said the baby had DS I was so relived I actually did say something along the line of B"H. Unfortunately, he did have some heart problems and underwent open heart surgery which was B"H successful now he is a very cute 2.5 year old boy.
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BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 25 2009, 10:32 am
I would wish her a hearty Mazel Tov and say you should have lots of nachas from her and the rest of the family. And let her know you're there for her if she needs you.
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