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Inviting 1/2 a family
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:19 am
so the other thread got me thinking ... what is proper when inviting guests ... I've sometimes been invited over with 1/2 the family or just myself ...

I always like to leave the option open for my girls to come with me or be with me if I stay home - so they have some semblance of shabbos ...
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Inspired




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:22 am
Unless it's some really unique situation I just think that is bizarre. What do they expect you to do with the kids they aren't inviting?
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pinktichel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:25 am
greenfire wrote:
so the other thread got me thinking ... what is proper when inviting guests ... I've sometimes been invited over with 1/2 the family or just myself ...

I always like to leave the option open for my girls to come with me or be with me if I stay home - so they have some semblance of shabbos ...


those threads have really got me thinking as well.
Personally, I would never invite 1/2 a family. I think it's rude. What do they say when they call? "Hi Green. Wanted to invite you and DD's 1 & 2 for Shabbos." ?

I guess this topic is getting to me because I grew up in a home where we always had guests (and trust me, we had some very interesting ones!) and my mother would be disappointed if we didn't! It's been instilled in me from day 1 to have an open home and make everyone feel welcome.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:28 am
pinktichel wrote:

Personally, I would never invite 1/2 a family. I think it's rude. What do they say when they call? "Hi Green. Wanted to invite you and DD's 1 & 2 for Shabbos." ?


close to it ... dd3 & me ... but I'm like shock I stopped going out because of this ... somehow people think my other girls will influence them when they come dressed properly to their shabbos tables ... and upon having this discussion with somebody else their dh told his wife in front of me to stop inviting me as well ... Confused
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pinktichel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:30 am
greenfire wrote:
pinktichel wrote:

Personally, I would never invite 1/2 a family. I think it's rude. What do they say when they call? "Hi Green. Wanted to invite you and DD's 1 & 2 for Shabbos." ?


close to it ... dd3 & me ... but I'm like shock I stopped going out because of this ... somehow people think my other girls will influence them when they come dressed properly to their shabbos tables ... and upon having this discussion with somebody else their dh told his wife in front of me to stop inviting me as well ... Confused

shock
People never seize to amaze me. I should sign off and get some things done for shabbos. This is just aggravating me.
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shalhevet




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:31 am
I think it's awful. There is a new fashion in some MO circles in Israel to make a simcha in a hotel/ guest house, and because it is expensive only the parents are invited (for Shabbos). I think you are expected to farm out your children elsewhere. (We don't go.)

I would never invite someone for a Shabbos meal or to stay for Shabbos, without inviting all their unmarried children too, of any age. (Unless of course someone is away on business, but you get the idea.)
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:40 am
My knee-jerk reaction is "how unspeakbaly rude is that?" but I'm not sure what you mean by "half the family". Just the boys? Just the girls? Just the kids and not you? Just you and not the kids? Some people are very machmir in gender separation, especially among unmarried people above bar/bat mitzvah, and will never invite girls when their sons are home or boys when their daughters are home.

It sounds really inconsiderate to invite just the kids or just you, considering that without the kids you're by yourself. If they invite just you and not the kids, do they expect that the kids are going to make shabbos by themselves? Even if your kids are able to, it's just as mean to deprive children of their mother as it is to deprive a mother of her children. Shabbos should be family time.

Maybe these people really want to have everyone but haven't enough space? If I were in that position I wouldn't invite the family at all rather than split up the invitation, I think that's just weird and not nice, but maybe they think it's better than not inviting at all. Or I would explain that I don't have room for the whole crowd, but I can have half this week and the others next week. That at least would show that I'm not snubbing anyone, just bowing to the realities of limited real estate.

If they invite just you, do you ever say "I'd love to come, but it's very important to me to be able to spend time with my daughters. Would it be possible for them to come too if they're home? Ordinarily I don't hold with people asking if they can bring more guests, but yours is a special situation.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:45 am
greenfire wrote:
pinktichel wrote:

Personally, I would never invite 1/2 a family. I think it's rude. What do they say when they call? "Hi Green. Wanted to invite you and DD's 1 & 2 for Shabbos." ?


close to it ... dd3 & me ... but I'm like shock I stopped going out because of this ... somehow people think my other girls will influence them when they come dressed properly to their shabbos tables ... and upon having this discussion with somebody else their dh told his wife in front of me to stop inviting me as well ... Confused


I'm not sure I follow. They think your older girls would be a bad influence? I guess I could see it if they tried to hand out J4J literature at the Shabbos table, but other than that, its strange. My son does drag his friends over regularly, without parents, but other than that, I'd never invite less than an entire family.
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drumjj




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:46 am
if im having young adults then I wont invite the parents with them. but if im having familes I would never invite half the family its highly rude. if ppl invite me and my husband out for lunch on shabbos we wont go unless the kids are invited aswell.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 10:48 am
OIC, I just saw all the posts that got posted while I was composing. I can't believe what I'm reading. Do I gather that ppl approve of dd3 but not of dds 1&2, and aren't embarrassed to tell you that? shock shock shock and they really expect you to appreciate and accept such invitations? what kind of upbringing did these people have?

An invite like that would make me want to tell them in graphic terms what they can do with their invitations. Not that I advise you to do that, I don't, but consider me as having said it on your behalf.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 11:11 am
I always tell my kids to bring thier friends for the Shabbos meals. I didn't say bring the parents and their 9 kids, though.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 1:42 pm
friends to friends are a different story when you're single ... but when you are married with children - and I don't care the age - don't discriminate ...

I've had a variety of reasons told - your girls aren't tznius - our son is over (mind you what makes my hormones any different than my kids - jk of course - but I have had 1/2 a mind to tell them so) ...

I have had friends who've invited me with an open invitation for the girls if they choose to come or change their mind last minute (that's a bit different) ...

but really - I'm either the nebach case ... or forget you because of your kids ... so now I'm a hermit ... either way - it has taught me a great lesson on friendship that I have no real friends - and on family that I must create a strong family/shabbos atmosphere on my own ... all which are a hard pill to swallow ...
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ss321




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 4:42 pm
wow green, that is just wierd.
the only x my kids arent invited is if we go out for dinner with a couple, or if I go out with my friends alone (just women)
I cant imagine someone inviting us without kids for a shabbos meal that is just insane!!!
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Aribenj




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 4:58 pm
It is strange. And insulting. I was once invited to a shabbos dinner but was asked to leave my little ones home. I thought that was a bit wierd but I understand that they just wanted an adults night only. I stayed home though. Shabbos is for the family. If people want to invite MY FAMILY then that's fine, as long as we're together.

Sometimes we invite someone over, and the mom ends up staying home with one of the kids because it's naptime. Those excuses were always sort of fishy to me. But lately, getting my 9month pregnant self around in the heat is just not happening so when people invite us to lunch, dh goes with DD and I stay home with DS. I hate this arrangment thogh.
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ChavieK




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 5:18 pm
When it is a simcha, like bar-mitzvah or sheva brachos then many people do not invite whole families.It wouldn't be practical. It is the invitees decesion if they want to go. But on a regular shabbos it is weird to specificaly exclude some children. Again though the invitee could say thanks anyway but I don't leave my children on shabbos. We have even had our ds & dil included in a few invitations.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 5:46 pm
Just when you think you've heard everything . . . ! I frequently have divorced, blended, mixed, and even mixed-up families for seudas -- I usually just ask, "How many will you be this Shabbos?"

I can understand someone with teenage boys not wanting to host a gaggle of teenage girls -- but you don't invite the mother and tell her to leave her girls at home! You can just say something like, "Our boys are all home right now, so we usually don't host teenage girls. But if there are any Shabboses when your girls are away, we'd love to have you!"

And, gosh, I didn't realize that the mitzvah police had now broadened their jurisdiction to checking guests' skirt lengths at the door! I agree with Zaq: with friends like this . . .
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mamacita




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 01 2009, 6:54 pm
If no one had invited me back when I could have been a bad influence I wouldn't have grown up to be a good one. Tongue Out That's a seperate issue from invited half a family. I'd feel weird doing that. If I can't have the whole family, I don't invite, period. I've had to turn people down because of lack of chairs, or told them they can come if they each bring a chair, BYOC! Smile I could see inviting a few/all the kids to give the parents a break though.

Green, ya'll would be welcome at our table, bad influence or not. Could that bad influence involve rum please! Drunken Smile
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amother


 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 2:53 pm
I'm not saying this is the case, cuz how would I know, but trying to give the benefit of the doubt to the potential hosts- but if someone's kids arent religious and dont keep shabbos anyhow, and if they needed a place for a shabbos meal they can go to the other divorced parent, I can understand why a host wouldnt neccesarily want them to come for shabbos. If someone knows their kids are impressionable, they might not want irreligious people at their table, and wouldnt have kiruv families over, but that doesnt mean they wouldnt want to invite the religious ones. Like- would you rather no invitation than invitation for you and the religious members of your family?
Lets face it- some people arent cut out for kiruv. and they might be being honest with you, rather than have you and your whole gang over and resent it.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 5:18 pm
ChavieK wrote:
When it is a simcha, like bar-mitzvah or sheva brachos then many people do not invite whole families.It wouldn't be practical. It is the invitees decesion if they want to go. But on a regular shabbos it is weird to specificaly exclude some children. Again though the invitee could say thanks anyway but I don't leave my children on shabbos. We have even had our ds & dil included in a few invitations.


in that case I don't think shabbos is a good time to make a simcha (obviously with a sheva brochos you have no choice). my friend was telling me how she was planning her ds's bar mitzva and specifiacally did not make it on shabbos for this reason, even though it would have been easier.
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drumjj




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, May 02 2009, 5:23 pm
amother that is absolutely ridiculous and very insulting. I think and I do have a lot of ppl over frum and not frum that if u are going to invite someone over u dont differenciate btw the frum members of the family and the non frum u either invite them all or u dont invite them at all.to differenciate its absolutely disgusting.
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