How do you handle the chutzpa of teenaged children????

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 1:27 am

Thank you everyone! I must say that I really love her and was hard for me to read about her in a critical way Sad

Yes, I am a softy and apparently she is much stronger than me. Over Shabboss we talked a lot.

She is frustrated that she is treated like a little child at home, and I promised her that I will do my best to change that, but she has to promise to speak respectfully Exclamation

She did. She felt bad and cried a lot.
I felt that offering my unconditional love, is what she needs right now, I have a large family and she maybe didn't feel my attention lately.
I told her that when I ask for her help (the reason for her chutzpedic respond) I view it as time spent together and not as a maid service.
HASHEM should help me to have the strength I need to handle it all. I value all your responds, It give me strength to know that you care. Exclamation

ny_ima

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 3:53 am

mom in park: my child is perfect.
2nd mom: I'm sure he has some flaws...
1st mom: no. he's perfect, if he were to have any, I'd be sure to know!

of course we all love our kids. and I'm glad the issue was resolved. I sincerely apologize for my above suggestion. but seriously, I know some not so nice ppl. they must belong to some parent somewhere! shock

now that you understand eachother, may you HAPPILY dance at her wedding beshaa-tova!

happymom

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 10:29 am

Quote:

Thank you everyone! I must say that I really love her and was hard for me to read about her in a critical way
Yes, I am a softy and apparently she is much stronger than me. Over Shabboss we talked a lot.

She is frustrated that she is treated like a little child at home, and I promised her that I will do my best to change that, but she has to promise to speak respectfully She did. She felt bad and cried a lot.
I felt that offering my unconditional love, is what she needs right now, I have a large family and she maybe didn't feel my attention lately.

I am so happy you took this approach and not the other! ("that she is a bad, manipulative child") In MANY cases, and most actually, when a child acts up there is something BOTHERING THEM. It really BOTHERS me when parents think its the childs fault and they are being manipulative or bad! Yes, rarely, you have a child that no matter how they are treated, arent nice, but thats not the norm!

Amother, Im sure it will happen again that your daughter will "loose herself" and not be respectfull or blow up... I think it would help if at that moment u said to her... "Id love to speak to you, but when you calm down because I dont like to be spoken to this way..." when she calms down, speak to her gently again... if u do this each time, it will help!!!!!!! Im sure she feels so good to know that her mother cares so much about her feelings... !!! Smile

Youre a great mom.

happymom

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 10:48 am

Quote:

but seriously, I know some not so nice ppl. they must belong to some parent somewhere!

sometimes they are just that way. But how do u know.. maybe they aren't nice because they are upset about something... maybe they never learned communication skills from their parents and really ARE nice if they would have been taught right.. maybe they need attention etc... most times there ARE reasons why someone isn't acting nice. I once heard this and I try and live by it because its SO TRUE!

"If someone hurt your feelings (and you're sure of it, "its not a misunderstanding") and they dont seem to care, move on, THEY HAVE ISSUES!"

and its true, they have issues, and things that are bothering them! With the right help, and someone they can talk their issues out with their nice part would shine through.

I was once in a store and the lady behind the counter was VERY RUDE to me! I asked her "Did you have a hard day?" and she looked at me like she was about to cry and said YYEEEEEEEEES!!!!!! VERY! so u really never know!

just something we should try to remember- however we want our chilren to act WE SHOULD ACT. If dont want our children to yell, WE CANT YELL. If we want out chilren to be respectul, we must be respectful to them and other too..

seniormom

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 11:13 am

Amother, I'm glad some of the responses that followed mine were more well thought out and level headed, not as simplistic as the earlier ones...and it is indeed better to take a positive and calm approach. So glad it worked out for you and your daughter now, but it may very well be that happymom is correct--she may "loose herself" again some time in the future...some ppl just have a more edgy/sensitive personality and will over-react easily. If your "talking" approach works each time, then that's fine, but if the underlying issues aren't truly reolved, I still think that seeking professional help would be beneficial over the long run--both for your relationship with her, and for her relationships after she's married IY"H. It could make life easier for her to negotiate if she learns to handle frustrations more effectively. Hatzlacha...and may you always enjoys simchas together. Very Happy

goldrose

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 1:44 pm

Quote:

I told her that when I ask for her help (the reason for her chutzpedic respond) I view it as time spent together and not as a maid service.

just a suggestion - perhaps when you need help, you can say it like this "shprintza, there are some things that need to be take care of before 3:00. Would you prefer to give the kids a bath or prepare the noodle salad?"

(Instead of "please can you give the kids a bath")

ny_ima

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 4:50 pm

Quote:

the lady behind the counter was VERY RUDE to me! I asked her "Did you have a hard day?" and she looked at me like she was about to cry and said YYEEEEEEEEES!!!!!! VERY! so u really never know!

wouldn't the world be a better place with more Surprised

"happymoms"?! Surprised

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 11:38 pm

Hi there! This is original amother again.It is so good to know that I have my support waiting for me at the end of the day, here at IMAMOTHER. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
My DD and I had a great day together B"H. I noticed though, that she was looking to help me just to be together. So I "invented" needs around what I was doing, and she helped.
As you pointed out,I will be aware, that she could "explode" again, and I will try to be unemotional about it so I can respond calmly.
The only thing I still need to work on, is the energy and motivation to look for a shidduch for her.
Smile

I feel so drained, have no energy to make any calls. I hope it is just a matter of time.

leah rivkah

Thu, May 18 2006, 10:01 pm

A book called "Assertive Discipline for Parents" gives very good, Torahdik advice on dealing with behavior problems in children. It is all about chinuch, not punishing, and would probably work just as well with problem adults. Also, Rav Wolbe's z'lb sefer "Building and Planting". It is a short and very enjoyable read, that reminds us who children are, and what our role is as parents. That job never changes, no matter how old the children are.

I can see why you would want to have your daughter married and out of the house, however, I really recommend you both get counselling and see lasting improvement before you consider making your daughter someone else's problem (not to mention a good candidate for an unhappy marriage). And if she really can't be nice, she can save up and pay a shadchan herself.

JRKmommy

Fri, May 19 2006, 1:54 pm

Regardless of her age, is she truly ready for a shidduch?

Some of this sounds like typical, hormonal teen behavior - but marriage requires maturity. Better to wait an extra year and have a happy marriage than to get married now and have everyone unhappy.

I'd also agree that you need to guide your daughter to treat you better.

As others have said - tell her that you are prepared to sit down and listen to her whenever she wants to talk. However, you will not listen to her if she's going to yell at you or call you names. Then, follow through with that.

I remember hearing my dh, who really does love his mother, speaking to her disrespectfully. She's very loving but not assertive, and she let him get away with it. I think it became a habit in a way. I called him on it and told him that kind of thing was totally unacceptable, and it hasn't been a problem. [He knew better than to talk to me like that, but I also didn't like him treating his mother like that. I told him that he needed to show respect, and that our children look at our behavior to see how they should treat us. He apologized profusely.]