Neighbor forces me to put away my food so she can serve hers

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chanahlady

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:15 am

When we are at DH's parents' house (about 1x a month), I always prepare the Shabbos meal. I go through a lot of trouble to make it special, balanced, etc. About 2-3 hours before Shabbos, when I had nearly everything ready,the neighbor lady who is MIL's friend comes over. She's invited to Shabbos dinner. She sees I've cooked soup, and says, "Oh, I made a soup today too! I'll bring it over." I said, "We already have a soup that I made." She said, "Well, you'll have to put yours away, then." Right after that, she noticed that I made a dessert that was fully prepared and sitting on the table to cool. She says, "Oh, I have a great dessert recipe -- I think I have enough time to make it before Shabbos and bring it over." And then indeed right before Shabbos she brings over both her soup and her dessert. I had to put my food away so that we could serve her stuff. It made me annoyed -- because she knows I cook every time I'm there for Shabbos, and she didn't bother to come over/call early in the day to coordinate cooking with me -- she just went ahead and re-cooked her own food after seeing that I had cooked. It's not a question of whether she likes my food or not -- she does, for the most part. It was some weird competition thing, like "Oh, I can do that, too, and I will." What can I say to her to stop her from doing this next time? I felt sort of childish that I was so annoyed, but then again, I had gone through all the work and trouble... TIA.

DefyGravity

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:20 am

Wow.

That's extremely rude.

Question - does your MIL want you to cook the shabbos meal when you come, or is it possible that she might be insulted?

ss321

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:26 am

dont give her the 'satisfaction' of calling before. she doesnt deserve that at all. next time she says something like:
"well, youll have to put yours away then" - just say, "oh, no thanks. I think well just have what I made since its here already. I really appreciate your effort, and maybe you can serve it next week or eat it with your lunch tomorrow." just smile and dont get defensive.

"Oh, I have a great dessert recipe -- I think I have enough time to make it before Shabbos and bring it over." -
say: "thanks so much! that will be a great supplement to my [whatever it is you made]. We can serve both, how nice."

dont give in you are 100% right

gryp

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:28 am

She sounds like a character out of a book. LOL

OP, there's no reason you have to give in to her. I'd just tell her that I like my own food better and so that's what will be served. Rolling Eyes

SingALong

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:33 am

what's wrong with serving both? when I get together with friends and we make each other stuff we just serve everything. my DH likes to take a taste of new things so he likes having a lot of choices

chanahlady

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:34 am

My MIL totally hates to cook, so she loves when I come over to do it for her.

I guess I could have thought of something to say like, "Why don't you cook a side dish, instead?" But I was so taken aback, that I didn't know what to do or say!

I'm worried about just coming out and saying, "No, we're serving my food," because I don't want to cause problems. This is MIL's friend, and MIL likes this person.

And serving two soups? That seems weird...

Last edited by chanahlady on Tue, May 19 2009, 11:35 am; edited 1 time in total

chavs

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:34 am

That is very rude and I dont know what I would do. How does your mil feel can she tell her that its not on to do that? Maybe your dh?
Maybe when shabbos comes, serve your food not hers, or serve both, and give people a choice as to which dish they want, but make a point and make it clear it isnt appreciated.

bubby

Tue, May 19 2009, 11:40 am

Sounds like your MIL is intimidated by this lady. Why don't you ask MIL not to invite her when you're there? There are 3 other weeks a month they can do Shabbos together.

But I agree with you...how annoying & upsetting.

Nomad

Tue, May 19 2009, 12:13 pm

that is annoying.
next time, I would ask mil if this friend is coming over before you start cooking.
I would even maybe get the friends number and call her so you can ask her what shes making.

freidasima

Tue, May 19 2009, 12:47 pm

This neighbor sounds a bit overbearing. Maybe speak to your MIL about it and see what she suggests.

DefyGravity

Tue, May 19 2009, 12:53 pm

Nomad wrote:

that is annoying.
next time, I would ask mil if this friend is coming over before you start cooking.
I would even maybe get the friends number and call her so you can ask her what shes making.

Good idea.

And if she IS invited, I'd be passive-aggressive about it and say, "Last time you brought some food items after I'd already cooked, are you planning on bringing anything this time? I just want to check so I don't end up cooking for nothing again." Sure, it's rude, but she was rude for doing what she did!

greenfire

Tue, May 19 2009, 1:24 pm

I'm at a real loss here ... some people are just beyond rude and don't listen to logic ... Rolling Eyes

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 20 2009, 5:39 pm

Well, if you ever don't feel like cooking, you know who to call! Maybe she really loves to cook for people, but doesn't have family of her own nearby. That sort of energy could be directed towards cooking for moms with new babies, etc. Harness it!

I have a friend who always serves two soups because her kids, husband and guests have different tastes. She always has the chicken soup, and then some other kind. No matter what she cooks it's delicious, and people often take a small bowl of one, and then try the other.

louche

Wed, May 20 2009, 7:35 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Brilliant idea!

Fox

Wed, May 20 2009, 7:51 pm

louche wrote:

FranticFrummie wrote:

Brilliant idea!

That's what I was thinking. Is there any way you could give her my number? LOL

Seriously, another idea might be to pre-empt her. Next time, call her before you start cooking, and say, "I was planning to make chicken soup. Do you have a better alternative?" Call back a few minutes later: "I was thinking of brownies for dessert, but maybe you have something you want to try?"

I'm probably not being as empathetic about this as I should be -- the behavior is incredibly rude. I guess my honest-to-goodness hatred of cooking just won out!

Oh, and please don't bash me because I hate to cook. I know it's part of my role as a Jewish woman, and I really do try to work on my attitude. But if this lady wants to visit Chicago . . .

Lechatchila Ariber

Wed, May 20 2009, 8:01 pm

I think next time she should call her and say "I remember last time you seemed to want to do the cooking so out of the goodness of my heart I've decided to allow you take over for this week.
my mil likes __ type of fish, 3 side dishes, 4 sallads, meat as well as chicken, 2 kugels and 2 desserts. Enjoy and thanks again, see you there and looking forward to your delicious meal. bye" and hang up.

chanahlady

Wed, May 20 2009, 8:27 pm

Ha ha, yes, but I actually love to cook, so I would be disappointed if she took over.

Fox, I will ship her to Chicago for you... all expenses paid! LOL

She really is a very good cook. Her manners, well, not so much...

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