Shidduchim ettiqutte

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Sun, May 24 2009, 12:11 am

If someone is consulted regarding a shidduch, is it standard procedure to let her know what happened, or is it "You'll find out if and when they get engaged"?

My husband's friend was set up with my friend (who is a member of a family who is long term friends with my husband's friend, I.e. he's known her for years and is really close with her brother, and her parents, etc...), and I was called up for information about the woman, spoke to them (first a married friend of the guy, because she was checking out his references, and then by the guy) at length regarding this woman, was asked advice on where to take her on their first date (motzei shabbos), and now I'm all antsy to find out what happened.

Is it now "MYOB, you'll find out if anything happened"? Or will they probably call me and let me know, and if not, is it rude to ask next time I speak to either one of them?

Whats general proper etiquette regarding shidduchim consultations?

ganizzy

Sun, May 24 2009, 4:43 am

unless they bring it up its none of your business.

grin

Sun, May 24 2009, 4:48 am

ganizzy wrote:

unless they bring it up its none of your business.

unfortunate for your curiosity's sake, but that's the truth of the matter.

louche

Tue, May 26 2009, 4:00 pm

grin wrote:

ganizzy wrote:

unless they bring it up its none of your business.

unfortunate for your curiosity's sake, but that's the truth of the matter.

Yep.

geemum

Tue, May 26 2009, 4:03 pm

I dont think u can expect an update, but if you're close enough with one of the families perhaps you could gently bring it up in conversation.

amother

Tue, May 26 2009, 4:11 pm

geemum wrote:

I dont think u can expect an update, but if you're close enough with one of the families perhaps you could gently bring it up in conversation.

My husband and I are close with both parties. So it wouldnt be insanely rude to ask "So how did it go" next time I or my husband speak to them?

cookielady

Tue, May 26 2009, 4:19 pm

amother wrote:

geemum wrote:

I dont think u can expect an update, but if you're close enough with one of the families perhaps you could gently bring it up in conversation.

My husband and I are close with both parties. So it wouldnt be insanely rude to ask "So how did it go" next time I or my husband speak to them?

Yes. It is still not your business, even if you and your dh are close with both parties. As a matter of fact, that would be a good reason that both sides may not want to discuss it with you.

Mitzvahmom

Tue, May 26 2009, 4:25 pm

unless your the shadchan and even then. Either one or the other has to contact u to be the intermediary if there is a miscommunication or issue.

Other than that, it's none of your business.

my dh and I are doing shidduchim, and after a certain point u do not hear until the invitation! But B'sha tova if/when it gets to that point.

amother

Tue, May 26 2009, 4:30 pm

Mitzvahmom wrote:

I just want to know if the first date went ok. If the first date was a dud, I'll know not to even get hopeful...

louche

Tue, May 26 2009, 4:40 pm

we all understand and sympathize with your burning desire to know. But it's none of your business. Put it in the back of your mind, slam the door and lock it. If it works out, you'll hear soon enough, and you will not look like Mrs. Yenta Snoop.

Many people are reluctant to discuss shidduchim during the process exactly the way people are reluctant to discuss pregnancy. Respect their privacy.

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