Do you invite yourself?

amother

Sun, May 24 2009, 11:11 pm

Do you call friends to try to get invited for shabbos or yom tov? There's no eruv where we live, but my youngest is now old enough to walk. I'm not sure that people realize that we could come to them for shabbos lunch. Is it really tacky to call around to get invited out? I'm pretty embarrassed to do it, so every time I try I end up inviting the person I called to get invited out to.

RachelEve14

Mon, May 25 2009, 2:13 am

In that situation I might hint.

"Yeah, I can't believe Moshe is so big now! We walked all the way to shul last week. It's so nice to get out on Shabbos"

I don't invite myself out, but I do call to invite people and if we had them last often they'll chime in "oh you come to us." But if people don't realize your dc can walk, they won't invite you yet.

amother

Mon, May 25 2009, 5:17 am

I would not invite myself.

MyDH has friends constantly telling him "we have to get together on shabbos." My husband usually says okay and somehow the guests come to us. I'm fine with it because I enjoy having guests. But months go by and they don't recipricate. Then I feel used. Now when people tell my husband the phrase "we have to get together," he just ignores it. And usually these are the guys that we had in our house and never recipricated. We even had friends saying lets get together on Yom Tov. We invite them for a meal and they don't invite back for the other meal.
OP - if you ended up inviting your friends because you were embarassed to invite yourself and your friends really have decency and they see that your child walks when they are eating by you. They should invite back and if they don't - I feel they are users.

Please note: These friends are not nebach cases. They are married with kids.

chanchy123

Mon, May 25 2009, 5:24 am

Depnds on the friends. Also, only to friends that keep inviting us and telling us that we should let them know when we are available for a shabbat. Close friends do the same to us.
But that is for an entire shabbat, not just for a meal (I know it should be the other way around but our really close friends live in other towns so it's not a big deal to invite ourselves or have others invite themselves to us for an entire shabbat - these are people who we know will say no if they can't host - and have done in the past - as do we).
In our community I have hinted to people that I would like to be invited for a meal but that never worked.
What I would do is call up friend X and say let's get together for a meal on shabbat, would it be easier to do it at your place or mine?
So you're not really inviting yourself you're making joint plans.

shalhevet

Mon, May 25 2009, 5:34 am

I am constantly amazed about the threads here about people inviting themselves out.

If you are able-bodied, not just after birth or moving house or something similar, able to physically and financially make the meal, and with at least one other adult to sit and eat - why are you asking other people to put in the money/ effort/ time that is your responsibility?

If you want company, invite someone else - a couple, someone lonely, or just another family whose company you enjoy.

If you are the one asking for the favour, how do you know the woman you ask doesn't have to go to the mikva that Friday night/ is pregnant/ is feeling sick/ had a hard week at work/ has had guests for the last 3 weeks and just felt like having a quiet Shabbos/ has a husband or child who needs extra attention.

And then she'll feel bad to say no (and might even not say no).

Then she'll post here for some sympathy, and she'll just get told how evil she is to pass up her chance for hachnasas orchim Confused

Pickle Lady

Mon, May 25 2009, 8:20 am

I agree with mamastar. I have called to invite myself out and the people told me thank you for calling because often they forget to invite guests. I personally love it when people call me. OP if you are in my community I would love it if you call me.

Barbara

Mon, May 25 2009, 8:49 am

mama-star wrote:

here, here! I love when ppl invite themselves! I enjoy guests so much.

I don't think that you can generalize from your generosity, though. Many other people are likely to feel put-upon by such a request, and further find it difficult to refuse.

As someone else suggested, a casual reference to the fact that you're excited to be able to go out on Shabbat now that your child can walk would be fine. If your friends also have young children, you could even suggest meeting them at a nearby park in the afternoon. If they want to invite you, they will.

shosh

Mon, May 25 2009, 8:49 am

I used to love it when pple would invite themselves to us. And these days, hardly anyone comes. My kids and I love guests, but pple's attitudes change (I.e. get really stupid and narrowminded) when you become a single parent family. ("No thank you. We wouldn't put you out." "Are you sure you can manage dear?" to which my response is, "Duhh, if I couldn't manage, I wouldn't be inviting you, would I?")

I used to invite myself more to pple for Shabbos but do it far less nowadays. I only invite myself to a very select number of pple that I feel extremely close to and know are happy to have me bc I am their friend, not bc I am divorced and therefore expected to be a nebbech. Anyone who treats me like a nebbech case never gets a return visit from me (or phone call or time of day for that matter!) And I've actually found that I enjoy being alone more than I used to. (Eg. For Rosh Hashanah this year, when it's Adolf's turn to have the kids, I've decided to stay alone, and same with Seder night. I just can't stomach the thought of going to anyone. Don't know why. Two years ago, I went to someone for R"H, and she made me feel so nebbech that I have never spoken to her since. I think it really put me off, and that's part of it. Either way, I don't have anything personal against the rest of the world, but I just want my own company this time and loads more time to recite Tehillim!)

shosh

Mon, May 25 2009, 8:53 am

Oh and with regard to OP, I'd say it really depends on the pple and why you want to eat out. There's nothing wrong with going to eat out here and there with friends, but I don't think one should do it all the time because, yes, a stable home means stable Shabbosim, not running around all the time. Also some pple thrive on having guests, and others think it's a big tircha. So I'd say that you should choose your pple carefully and then politely ask if it would be ok. It's not a chutzpah at all. Nothing wrong with social interaction.

happyone

Mon, May 25 2009, 9:23 am

We have people invite themselves all the time. I generally don't mind at all. I'm glad people feel comfortable asking for an invite. When they show up two hours before the z'man.... now that's another story. It took me time to learn how to say I'm unavailable at times.

Twoisacharm

Mon, May 25 2009, 9:53 am

lol I dont think its a problem if the people you want to call to invite yourself to - mind that you are calling - give it a feel (I think the fact that you feel obligated by the end of the call to invite them instead says a little bit about the way of the conversation)

I personally tell everyone I meet (that I like) to come whenever they want - just call 3 hrs before shabbos as thats when the grocery is closing!!!! on a side note - I happen to enjoy last minute calls like that as dh doesnt get nervous that there isnt enough food blahblahblah LOL

drumjj

Mon, May 25 2009, 10:33 am

I sometimes hint to ppl that we would like to come for a meal but seen as I have a little baby with no eruv its only on yt that we ever get to go out and why not invite them to me well I could do that any shabbos bc I cant go out so I wouldnt do that on a yt aswell bc I would like to be cooked for for a change and go out instead of always having ppl myself. also the ppl I hint to I know dont mind having us. I even called them today and asked for two extra guests bc im having two extras stay with me for yt.