returning invitations

amother

Wed, Jun 24 2009, 5:18 am

there is a whole long list of people we've hosted for shabbat meals over the past year or two who have never invited us back.

we are normal people with nice kids who people like. I don't understand why we haven't been invited back. whenever I am invited to someone, I make a mental note that I should invite them back within I don't know a few months say.

is it normal to 'expect'/hope for an invite back from someone you hosted? pls don't attack me and tell me that we shouldn't expect anything in return for hachnassat orchim. I invite people b/c I like them/want to get to know them better/want to become friends/want them to meet other friends of ours, NOT for a return invite.

I'm jjust saying I find it surprising that people haven't invited us back. surprising and a bit hurtful.
I know they regularly have guests too. I love going to other people for meals. especially when my kids are friends with their kids. one of my kids keeps asking 'why can't we go to xxx's house on shabbat. so I tell my child we have to wait til we're invited. it starts to get hurtful and embarrassing, especially when we see other people grouping together on shabbat to have meals together. I wish we were invited out more often.

amother

Wed, Jun 24 2009, 8:25 am

Its funny you started this topic. I was going to to write about the same topic. I was complaining to my DH last week that I feel burned out. We invited so many people to us in the past year and nobody recipricated. I don't expect a divorced person or single person to recipricate. But no families that we hosted recipricated. What drives me crazy that they hint or ask my DH to be invited again. I love having company but I don't think I'm their personal chef. Its nice to go out sometimes to. So we made a policy that we don't invite the same family twice if they did not recipricate. If its a nebach situation the story is different.

amother

Wed, Jun 24 2009, 2:36 pm

MeThinks wrote:

There can be a 'host' of reasons they don't invite you. I'm sure you can come up with a bunch of them yourself. Here are some that come to mind immediately. They might not have room; they might not be in the mood; might be embarrassed of what their house looks like; financially tight; or just plain not the hachnosas orchim type.

op here

none of the above reasons work for all the people I'm thinking of.
most of the people we have hosted actually live in nicer places than we do (not crazy nicer that they'd be embarrassed for us to see how much nicer their place is than mine though, before anyone suggests that!!)

louche

Wed, Jun 24 2009, 9:24 pm

MeThinks wrote:

Not being in the mood and not being the hachnossas orchim "type" are excuses--and lame ones--not reasons. Not being in the mood is acceptable for a given week, but not forever. And as to not being the hachnossas orchim type--well, do you think not being the "shul-going type' is an acceptable reason not to go to shul? Maybe you're not the "menachem avel" type--is that an acceptable reason not to pay a shiva visit?

If people can't reciprocate in kind, there are other ways to reciprocate--by bringing a really nice gift, doing the host a favor of some sort, something. It's perfectly fine to say "I'm sorry we're not able to have people over for dinner at our place, but we'd like to take you out to our favorite restaurant/have you be our guest at our shul's melave malka/send you a lifetime supply of Le Chocolat (halevai! Very Happy

) instead. Or put an ad in their honor (credited to their account) in their children's yeshiva journal. if money is tight, you can do something nice for your host--take their children off their hands one evening so they can go out, for example. Just to take and take and take and never give back in any way is not menschlich.

Besiyata Dishmaya

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 9:55 am

louche wrote:

MeThinks wrote:

I know people who don't like to do hachnosas orchim because they don't feel comfortable around others. They have a hard time making conversations or even continuing a conversation. They might be shy, have an inferior complex or embarrassed of their stuttering or whatever. And some people are just not in the mood of hosting; either because they can't be bothered cooking special food or preparing the beds or whatever.

It's a beautiful thing to be mekayem the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim and we, personally, love it, but we understand others who don't.

Raisin

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 10:30 am

DefyGravity wrote:

I agree with MeThinks. Some people don't like having guests. They'll accept an invite because they don't know how to say no, but they won't take the initiative to invite others.

all of the ops guests are like this? and she already said they do invite other people, just not the op. and as cm said, she does not like hosting so she brings over part of the meal.

DefyGravity

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 10:43 am

Does the OP have a large family? Maybe it's hard to host them.

OP, could it be that you're somehow alienating people? Is there something you, your husband, or your kids are doing that could be keeping you from getting invites? Think about it honestly, because it's a little strange that no one is reciprocating.

The only reason I don't invite people after going to them for a meal is that:
-I didn't like them (ie., the husband and wife bickered and made me feel uncomfortable, or we just didn't click with them and didn't want to endure another meal together)
-Their kids were destructive and I didn't want them unleashed on my home

SomebodyElse

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 10:50 am

Maybe people are overwhelmed with the number of kids you have? Do their other guests have as many as you do? And do they know you like to go out? (Some big families prefer staying home.)

Also, could it be an out of sight out of mind thing, where they would invite you if they ran into you at school pick-up or the grocery, but they just don't think to call.

I disagree with amother's policy of only inviting someone once if they don't reciprocate. I would at least have them 2 or 3 times before making that decision. Maybe invite them less frequently. But if you enjoy their company and they seem to enjoy coming, why deprive yourselves?

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 11:47 am

I'm the second amother - I just want to let you know we are a small family. And I don't think by us the case is they don't enjoy our company because why are they trying to invite themselves again. Or they are just lazy and don't want to cook. We do put out a large assortment of food when company comes. I feel when I keep on hosting when Yom Tov comes around I'm totally burned out.
Sometimes when I run into the people we hosted they will say they have to have us over for a meal because they owe us one and never bother to call.

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:00 pm

op here again
ok, I don't think it's b/c people dont like us. there are plenty of peolle who do invite us, but there are also many who haven't yet invited us back. these people do have other guests, with just as many kids as we have (not so many).

I wouldn't dream of not reciprocating, unless I really didnt like the people, but then I wouldnt accept an invitation from them then in the first place.

it hurts to see these people inviting other people to their houses and not inviting us. I know it can take a long time to get around to inviting people, but will they ever? I guess I just want to know whether other people keep a track on who they've invited and when and so notice this kind of thing.

I know some people who do - I actually have a couple of friends who even remember what they served for the previous meal I had at their house and apologise (!) if it's the same thing again!!

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:32 pm

They might be nervous -- they want to make sure they make a really nice meal, great divrei torah, house immaculate, etc. whereas their other guests are old friends or lousy cooks or bad housekeepers or whatever and they don't feel the need to put on a good show. This would especially be the case if you're a particularly spectacular hostess.

Also, when I'm having a hectic week (which I always seem to be these days) I just don't invite people. But if they invite themselves, I rarely say no.

There's a family that we've had over twice in the last year. They talked about inviting us, but never did. Yada yada yada I have a feeling they're getting divorced. embarrassed

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 1:01 pm

amother wrote:

I could've written this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seraph

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 2:27 pm

louche wrote:

And as to not being the hachnossas orchim type--well, do you think not being the "shul-going type' is an acceptable reason not to go to shul? Maybe you're not the "menachem avel" type--is that an acceptable reason not to pay a shiva visit? .

I'm sure there will be someone that says hachnasas orchim is for people who need a meal, who have no place else to go. If its for socialization purposes, its not neccesarily hachnasas orchim.