Do You Notice / Look for Evidence of Pregnancy/Nidda?

Barbara

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 10:48 am

I'm bamboozled, and looking for some information here.

Various posters here have discussed their concerns that if they don't have a baby within a certain period of time, people will start gossiping about whether they are on birth control.

They've worried that excusing themselves or coming late to an event will lead everyone to know that they've been to the mikva, and to speculate on their plans for later in the evening .

They've complained that someone asking how they're feeling in front of others will inevitably lead those others to know that they're pregnant.

But no one owns up to thinking that way themselves.

I have to say, I've never speculated about any friend's fertility (or lack of the same) unless information has been volunteered, wondered about their mikva nights, or stared at their tummies.

Are the posters who discuss such issues hypersensitive? Or are there really people who think this way?

DefyGravity

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 11:04 am

Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I'll notice stomachs, or think to myself that it's probably time for so-and-so to be pregnant again.

Sure, I was curious if a certain family member of mine was TTC or on BC.

I'm sure people are wondering about me, and some people have asked me outright what my deal is. Sure, I think it's weird for people to ask outright, but I understand the curiosity.

I wouldn't discuss my curiosity with other people, but of course, it's natural to wonder. We live in a baby-centric society where it's unusual to be married for a long period of time without a baby, and people often have many children. Therefore, when you live in a society that many children are the norm, it's natural that babies are on the forefront of everyone's mind and they're always on the alert for pregnancy signs.

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 11:10 am

By and large, I do not look, and I do not speculate. Heck, I don't even notice what my guests do and don't eat at our shabbos table (sample discussion after lunch -
DH: Our guest says their children never eat, but they ate fine here.
Me: Oh really - I didn't notice...
DH: And the husband really liked your kugel.
Me: How do you know?
DH: He had 4 servings.
Me: Huh...)
The only thing I do seem to notice is if a couple seems to be married a while without a child. But then only because I went through many years of primary infertility myself. If so, I do try to work in the conversation that I went through many years before having children and saw numerous dr.s before being successful. Then I leave it. If they choose to bring it up as it pertains to themselves, that's their prerogative. If not, I don't really speculate anymore. Just perhaps offer up a silent prayer that they be blessed in the right time (figuring they may intentionally be on BC).

Shendellah

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 11:20 am

This is a really interesting topic! I wasn't raised in a frum household so these thoughts never even crossed my mind since I'm used to people being married for a long time and not not having children for awhile. My DH and I are frum and most of our friends are... I wonder if any of our friends are going to think when are we going to conceive. (I just got married on Log Bomer)

Hmm...I don't even know what is the average time that someone would conceive a child.

But I don't think its right for anyone to assume anything (for example, wonder if the person is on BC)

ra_mom

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 11:35 am

As a single girl, and then as a very young bride, I used to speculate. But once people started to speculate about me, I just stopped. I realized how silly it was and how uncomfortable it can make people feel. Not that I ever verbalized by speculations. But now I just don't even think about it.
Of course, I also realized that things are often not as they seem. Just because it SEEMS like someone is on BC, does not mean that they are. Just because it SEEMS like someone is suffering from infertility, does not mean that they are.

katb

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 11:43 am

A MAN in our shul wished me and my DH bsha'a tova because he thought I was pregnant! I was wearing a dress which flowed similar to a materinity dress but they were in style at the time not just for maternity. I was mortified (I haven't worn the dress since....).

People are always looking at my tummy as I have been married nearly a year now and don't have a baby. I don't get thee infatuation with wondering whether I'm pregnant! Even if it might cross my mind about other people I don't dwell on it and would like to think I don't stare at them to see if they are pregnant...if they are, you will know about it sooner or later!!

A friend of mine said she was extremely embarrassed when she announced her pregnancy at about 4 months and members of our community said to her "Oh we figured it out ages ago...", even the Rabbi said something similar! It can make people very uncomfortable.

Also, a cousin of my mother (this was quite a few years ago) was married about 2 years when she was at a wedding and someone said to her somehting along the lines of "Nu, isn't it about time you had a baby?!"....she had just had a miscarriage. It can be very hurtful for people to say these things, people should keep their thoughts to themselves and just hope that everyone will have their children at the right time.

As for whether someone is going to the mikveh...why on earth would you care? Everyone does it, its just a question of when!!

Raisin

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:05 pm

I find it kind of amusing when people speculate about me. Often rumours go round that I am pregnant. sometimes they are right, sometimes wrong. Most of the people where I live or not frum. I do find it incredibly rude when people ask me if am planning to have more kids and how many. I don't think a frum person would do that. I would never ask someone such a question - unless it was a close friend who had already confided in me personal information of that sort.

I do find it irritating when I tell people I am pregnant and they say - oh I already figured it out! why do they want to take away my joy at sharing the news?

mandksima

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:09 pm

I am so naive that I never guess even when my closest friends are pregnant.

I remember when I first got married, I became good friends right away with someone who lived in my building. She started giving me hints that she was expecting but I didn't figure it out. I was used to people not having kids right away and it never even entered my mind. She made a comment that her skirt wasn't fitting her anymore but I thought she was commenting that she had put on weight and I didn't want to extend the conversation lest she be embarrassed. I kept getting different signals and still was without a clue. I noticed she had very short nails so I thought she just went to mikvah. At six months, she just told me and I was surprised.

I have a friend who always has a small belly so I do look from time to time but there's no growth so that's that.

I have learned to just forget it, I'll find out sooner or later but I'll probably never notice on my own.

I'm sure people speculated about me in the past but that's their business and I couldn't care less about it.

Ruchel

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:23 pm

People have asked me if I am on bc, when I will be pregnant, and (the stupidest) when I will make the boy. I think a good answer is to ask Hashem, or even to point it's a weird question from a frum person who should know everything is from Hashem. I used to stay nice, now I don't.

No, I don't look for evidence of anything. I notice what is noticeable (big bellies). I absolutely DONT look at women's bellies trying to figure out if there is a small bump or something, I happen to find it yentish, creepy and "I have no life"ish.

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:38 pm

well I havent been pregnant in almost 2 years from my last and I am the one that feels unconfortable thinking that people will think bad of me that im on bc. (as im a big anti bc-please dont spaz at me)
my dh and his rabbi both disagree with my thoughts. they tell me no one should be involved in my bedroom life and if they want to think that- they'll have to take the cheshbon with Hashem for judging me wrong.
every time I speak to my family or friends they keep asking me.. nu? y are you waiting so long! it drives me nuts!!! so I just answer "whenever Hashem wants" implying that I am NOT on bc and you should just stop getting into my private life.

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:50 pm

amother wrote:

I'm in a similar situation. My first few B"H came quickly & easily. Now I'm a little older and my baby is going to be 2. People keep looking and hinting. Everyone who had babies with me is pregnant or has another child. It's none of anyone's business and I wish people would just stop trying to guess.

Barbara

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 12:59 pm

DefyGravity wrote:

Thanks. That was very helpful to me.

Its a different mindset and a different society, and your comments (as well as others) will help me be more respectful.

Chochmes Nushim

Thu, Jun 25 2009, 1:11 pm

I just wrote an article relating to this topic. Hope you don't mind, but I"ll post it here.

I stood in front of the mirror and gaped at my reflection. Tonight was a big night. My classmates have been praying for this day for years. Our dear friend Chaya’la was B’h getting married. Being 27, it was surreal. We had all promised one another, to do everything possible to make her night, as memorable as ours was to us. Everyone had booked babysitters weeks in advance, dusted off their dancing shoes…… The shtick was in Sara’s car, we were all set.

Except, here I was, trying to squeeze into my chassunah outfit. But, no can do. The buttons just W-I-L-L- N-O-T- C-L-O-S-E!

In my mind’s eye, I see myself walking into the hall. The looks on my friends’ faces. Their eyes, as they take in my unbuttoned jacket with the mismatched shell. The questioning and hopeful glances they throw my way. I can almost hear the whispers. “Is she???? I guess so; she put on so much weight….”

I can feel my best friend Raizy’s arm around my waist, or what used to be my waist. I straighten up, as ready as I’ll ever be. I pull my jacket one last time, but my figure remains the same.

At the wedding, I get a feeling of déjà vu. I have walked into my mirror, into my very worst nightmare. For as I am greeted by my friends, I notice the looks on their faces, hear their unvoiced question.

I feel like taking the mike and going into a ranting tirade. “Dear friends and family, esteemed colleagues and strangers. I AM NOT PREGNANT! READ MY LIPS….. I AM NOT PREGNANT!! Yes, signs may say otherwise. True, I have put on a lot of weight. How about 30 lbs in 4 months? I experience bouts of nausea, vomiting and retching. I even have hormonal mood swings….. So I must be….isn’t that so?”

For all of you nodding your head, thank Hashem from the bottom of your soul, for the bliss of naivety, for the blessed lack of knowledge.

I remember standing in the hall that night, when a wave of emotion so strong overwhelmed me. I was physically and emotionally drained. I was waiting for a car to pick me up, as my 10:00 appt with my nurse, in other words, myself, awaited. I was hoping to get away unnoticed, do my thing and hopefully have the koech to come back and dance like I meant it.

But it wasn’t how it went. Not only did a bunch of my classmates notice me leave, I never did make it back to the chassunah. By the time I finished giving myself the shots, I was in no shape, pun intended, to go back.

It’s almost nine years since that day. Actually its 8 yrs and nine months to be exact. How am I so certain? Because b”h, today is my son’s 8th birthday.