Abusive husbands and abused wives

amother

Sun, Jan 16 2005, 7:24 pm

rivka, u may be right that the parents are better off getting a divorce if their relationship is beyond repair, but it is also true that children have a better chance of doing a "normal" shidduch when their parents are not divorced, even if the marriage is rotten. true, if there is violence or abuse then divorce is probably the best option, but short of that, sometimes it's better to just live under the same roof, sort of like a cold war, rather than have the kids split between divorced parents. the truth is, none of these situations are ideal.

ForeverYoung
Guest

Sun, Jan 16 2005, 8:44 pm

Quote:

hildren have a better chance of doing a "normal" shidduch when their parents are not divorced

but in turn very few of them will be able to be a good spouce & parent, b/c they never lived around normally functioning adults

IBR

Sun, Jun 05 2005, 11:16 am

wow this is interesting. infourtunately I don't understand how a women can have to much strength to oevercome her hormonal needs and not go to the mikvah she must have great self control or and I hope that its not true she goes to someone else I would not be able to handle that. maybe its just me. consider this. we are taugh the mizvah of veahavta lereaha KAMOHA. to love the other as we love ourselves. DO WE LOVE OURSELVES PROPERLY???

carrot

Sun, Jun 05 2005, 2:56 pm

it is said, and I believe there is research to support this, that people who were abused as kids will often seek out abusive relationships. for example, a girl who was abused by her father will find herself repeatedly attracted to powerful, cruel men who control and abuse her. (often after a bunch of failed relationships, her "relationship problems" spur her to seek help and that is when her past comes out and she deals with it.) so while it is not her fault that she is abused, something inside her has pushed her to get into that sort of relationship.

if you look at it this way, the way to help prevent abusive marriages is to make sure that kids who grew up in abusive households get help, so they don't end up following this path. of course that is not so easy. Sad

also I have been wondering... in the frum world, many people don't get to know their spouses that well before they get married. so maybe this pattern is not so strong? maybe abused kids don't necessarily marry abusers that often, while non-abused kids might? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. what do you think?

queen

Sun, Jun 05 2005, 7:25 pm

Personally looking round it's sad to see how many MARRIED couples are not on the same page. It's as if they are each (husband/wife) are on their own ship traveling in opposite directions. Together under one roof but not having too much to do with each other.

This was a topic we spoke often about at home, before I got married, and I really learnt from it how to keep a good marriage takes work. Spending time together, being interested in each other's interests, and building the other up. Looking for small things the husband would appreciate or that you could do for him...... just to continuously show him your love and care...... (even when having big families, making the time to spend just with your spouse).

These couples currently on their own boats- I do believe cared deeply for each other when they first met... however did not work on staying together as a team and slowly drifted apart. The sad part is I'm sure many of them are so tied up in their own worlds, they have no idea how far they have drifted apart, let alone know what to do about it.

My parents are very involved in the Jewish community, and deal with a lot of couples etc. and speculate that about 75% of couples are NOT on the same page unfortunately.

Hopefully ppl reading this will just be made aware of how important the wifes role is, in keeping couples on the same page. As all aspects of our marriages, WE hold the key in our hand.

gryp

Mon, Jun 06 2005, 12:36 pm

carrot- youre right. someone who is used to being treated a certain way is automatically attracted to people who will keep treating them that way. its not something conscious, its just something that happens. I think it is very sad when a woman doesnt think enough of herself to choose a decent man to be her husband, because unconsciously she feels secure in the way she is used to being treated. it is very sad.

I dont know how strong this pattern is in the frum world, but the same things happen- a woman who is not used to being treated well will find "security" in a man who will treat her the same way as she is used to.

this doesnt mean the pattern can never be broken, but people have to be aware of this in order to choose a better way of life.

amother

Mon, Jun 06 2005, 1:41 pm

I come from a family where my father verbally abused my mom. When I got married (way too young and not because I wanted) I was DETERMINED that no man is ever going to tell me what to or not to do. I refused going to the mikvah (not because I was angry w/ him)just because I felt it was a submissiveness from the wife. I felt going was a weakness. (yes, I had a LOUSY kallah teacher.today I still cant look her in the eye!)

In the long run... I was the boss in the house!!
and it did not make for a good marriage. now many years(& kids) later, we are still picking up the peices and working to build our marriage.

amother

Mon, Jun 06 2005, 1:47 pm

children growing up hearing their parents verbal abuse end up either copying them or going to the other extreme and letting themselves be abused. it is interesting that in my family the boys are doing what my dad did-being lousy husbands! but the girls all stood up for themselves and have very good marriages.

Aish

Tue, Jun 07 2005, 9:56 pm

I have to comment on this forum. there are 2 issues.
#1. there is so much swept under the rug in the frum community. you are looked down on if you admit that you are in an abusive relationship. there is just such a low level of tolerance for the victims. mostly woman.
#2 and the second thing is how a lot of frum (and not frum) pple raise their boys. when we were in kollel and had many bochurim over @ our house every shabbos we saw who helped clean up, who was an overall mench, and who wasn't. and you figured out that those who weren't menchin didn't have mommys and tattys (or daddys) who taught their boys to be kind, considerate, etc....
some were rude, obnoxious and I would think, this is who he is gonna be as a hubby. not much better. in fact worse.

happymom

Wed, Jun 22 2005, 4:41 pm

Quote:

there is so much swept under the rug in the frum community. you are looked down on if you admit that you are in an abusive relationship.

I don't think this is so true anymore. There is alot more awareness nowadays and people generally are supportive of people who admit they are being abused. This is what I see...

amother

Mon, Jun 27 2005, 11:39 pm

this is a different amother. I live with verbal abuse and I was kinda physicaly abused when I was 3 moths pregnant but believe me if you knew me and saw what I did you would understand why people say to me what seems to be verbal abuse. my parents have been telling me to change for 10 years and now I say and pull of the same stupidities with my husband as I did when I was a teenager I m just immature and have to grow up. my hubby wanted to get out of the marriage and even spoke of divorce and at some point I thought of divorce too but can't imagine living without him and I realy don't understand how do divorced women live without intimacy. I think my taivos overtake my rational and my emotions overtake my brain.

queen

Tue, Jun 28 2005, 12:34 am

amother wrote:

my hubby wanted to get out of the marriage and even spoke of divorce and at some point I thought of divorce too but can't imagine living without him and I realy don't understand how do divorced women live without intimacy. I think my taivos overtake my rational and my emotions overtake my brain.

how can one be intimate with someone they don't have feelings for?????

Ruchel

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 4:59 pm

Reviving this important topic after reading the last stats from my country.

10% of the husbands hit their wife regularly
50% of the couples include someone who has hit his/her spouse at least once
1 woman dies because of marital abuse every other day

Crying

Piper

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 7:46 pm

Ruchel wrote:

yes, but are these people truly French? Or middle eastern immigrants?

amother

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 7:50 pm

its usually a cycle. a child is abused, he many times becomes the abuser. a child is molested... he does it to others when he gets older many times..... a mother yells to no end, so does many of the next generation. the parents who arent doing these things and arent abusing thier kids most likely WONT have abusive kids.

amother

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 7:53 pm

amother u are not immature. u are being the victim. YOU should be the one wanting out. he abused YOU. I think u should get some therapy to find out why u think its ok to allow ureself to be abused. this wont be good for your kids either. as far as your mother..... Id stay away

amother

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 9:31 pm

it's very difficult to geto ut of a cycle of abuse. I told my mother for years to leave her husband. It took her thinking he had tried to kill her or at the very least seriously injure her for her to leave the marriage! The scary thing is I'm not even exaagerating here. That's what it took. (B"H she finally did it at least) This was verbal abuse. I agree with one of the posters who say this is worse than physical abuse. He was a control freak and then he would say things like how her kids didn't love her (he's not our dad) and lie to her and whatever I'm glad she left him finally. But you see how difficult it was for her to leave the guy.