Why a C? | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 12:25 am

If you know someone had a C-section that was scheduled, is it rude to ask why she had a Ceasarian?

My sister in law and I live a continent apart. We talk occasionally but don't know each other THAT well. We had spoken about her birth choices, and she was going to have an epidural, vaginal birth.
Then my husband heard from his other brother (not the one married to this sis in law) that sis in law was having a scheduled c-section that afternoon. We got a message once it was shabbos already where we lived that the baby was born.
We havent conversed much since she gave birth aside for a few short emails back and forth, none mentioning the C-section.

But I have to say, I'm VERY curious why she had a C-section, especially when that wasnt the plan originally.
Is it insanely rude and nosy for me to ask someone, with whom I'd discussed pregnancy and birth choices, about why she had a ceasarian?

merelyme

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 12:42 am

Maybe you can ask open-ended questions?
e.g., How did it go? How's your recovery?
Then she can decide how she'd like to respond and how much she'd like to share.

louche

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 12:52 am

amother wrote:

Yes, it would be rude to ask her. This may only be discussed if she brings it up first.

Agreed. Very rude to ask personal questions. If she wants to talk about it, rest assured she will--and she may give you more info than you really want to hear. if she doesn't bring it up, it means she doesn't want to talk to you about it. MYOB.

"I'm very curious" is no more a valid excuse to ask than "I really wanted it" is a valid excuse for stealing.

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 4:56 am

ABC wrote:

she may be terribly upset that she had a c-section. don't ask her why. she'll tell you if she wants to.
I don't really understand why you're so curious about it. there are a lot of reasons why women have to have a c-section.

Because when you have had lots of discussions with someone about birth and birth options, and then all of a sudden, everything they had said flew out the window, I think its only natural to wonder what changed... Its not like any person who ever has a c-section I'd ask them why...

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 2:26 pm

amother wrote:

ABC wrote:

an obvious reason I can think of is a breech baby or a very large baby - they looked at the ultra-sound and realized that it's the only option.

I had a close friend who was scheduled (very late in the pregnancy) for C-section because of terrible vaginal varicose (sp?) veins.

I agree that you should just ask general questions like "how did it all go?" and let her decide how much she wants to share. If she is upset about having had a C-section your questions will only rub it it!

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 2:32 pm

I had c-sections and would not be offended if somebody asked me why. Only if they asked in a pushy/judging way (I.e., "why wouldn't you want to try for a VBAC?") do I get annoyed.

A friend of mine just had her 2nd via c-sec after planning for an at home VBAC and I am very curious as to what happened as well. I plan to ask. Hope she wont mind. I really can't see what the big deal is. C-section is NOT a dirty word. (Though some people act like it is).

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 2:36 pm

amother wrote:

ABC wrote:

an obvious reason I can think of is a breech baby or a very large baby - they looked at the ultra-sound and realized that it's the only option.

I know the baby wasnt breech.
Yes, the baby was large, but dont they first give a trial of labor and not an automatic C?

Love My Babes

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 2:58 pm

louche wrote:

"I'm very curious" is no more a valid excuse to ask than "I really wanted it" is a valid excuse for stealing.

wow!!!

thats pretty harsh!!!! I never knew curiosity and stealing were an equal of any kind. Surprised

if she really doesnt want to say she can just tell her I dont want to discuss it.

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 3:02 pm

I had a c-s and everyone asked me about it and I see nothing wrong at all with asking about it! I didnt come on imamother and announce it cuz I dont really announce everything that happens in my life, but ive told lots of ppl down to my daughter's teacher! I do not think its rude at all. its a fact of life. even if shes not happy with it it happens and sometimes it can be prevented and sometimes not, but I dont see the major deal in the secret of it!

freidasima

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 3:07 pm

Of course ask. Say "I heard you had a C section, are you ok? It's not easy (it's not!)..." and give them an opening. If they want to talk, let them and if they don't, you have just been nice, given support and sympathy for a not that easy procedure and that's fine too.

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 4:17 pm

I didn't appreciate being asked, though I knew it was inevitable. I was placenta previa the whole time, and I didn't tell anyone (besides mother, mil...) bec previa means a scheduled c-s. and once ppl know that, their next question is 'when are you scheduled for?' that's the part I find inappropriate, which is why we didn't tell anyone ahead of time.
as you can imagine, after I had the baby (2 weeks early), my closest friends and the sibs who had no idea asked what happened. I was vague and skirted around the issue because then they would've been hurt that I didn't tell them throughout the pg that I was previa. B"H, my pg went smoothe, no bleeding or bed rest, so no reason to tell anyone of my internal issues...
you and your sil who live so far apart are probably not close enough for her to disclose such personal info. and after the fact, she may not tell you because she won't want you to be hurt that she didn't tell you before. I suggest that you leave it alone. maybe it'll come up between the brothers. otherwise just move on.

maidale

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 5:09 pm

It depends on each individual, and your relationship with them. For me personally it wouldn't be a problem at all, as I don't see a C as a private matter, and I definitely wouldn't have a problem asking my SIL (yes, it happened) "Oh, I heard you had a C-section, how are you feeling? Why did it end up in a C"? I think it falls under the category "birth experience" and people usually have no problem at all discussing their births.

amother

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 8:00 pm

Just another angle but...
maybe it's just me but if I was the OP's sister in law (I'm not) and I had been discussing the birth with her telling her what I had planned, and things didn't go according to plan and I had a C-section, then if she didn't ask me what happened I'd feel somewhat hurt and like she didn't really care.

If they had been discussing it I think it's natural for the OP to be concerned and wonder what happened.

but each to their own, this is the way I'd feel about such a situation.

Dini

Thu, Jul 16 2009, 8:49 pm

I don't think it's a nosy question for a SIL to ask. Especially if you were discussing her birth options originally. So what if it was an infection. If she didn't feel the need to explain she could just say there was an infection without giving the specifics. I find that people have no problem discussing their pregnancy, labor and delivery, woman are very open about it all.