Asking shailos | Imamother

Temilia

Mon, Jul 27 2009, 5:00 pm

Depends on what's going on in life, there will be times when I won't call a Rav for months on end. And times when the Rav is on speed dial Smile

I have had some crazy situations where I have needed to speak to a Rav very often. I can safely assume that any frum woman, in any circle would have consulted with as many ravs as many times as I did. So then the number ups to a couple times a day.
Also, post partum and stuff, tons of my bedikas and underwear go to the rav and that's usually all in the same week.

And then there is the random question that pop up here and there. For example, crossing the date line during sefira, or being stuck in public transit on erev shabbos-we called to find out what to do in case we got stuck, and just other situations like that.

I have Rabbanim in my family, so often times a phone call with a family member will include a sort of oh and by the way, what do you do in this situation. But if it wasn't my family member I don't know if I would call a rav about it.

As a child, growing up with a father who was asked shailos all the time, and this was in the pre cell phone days, I took a lot of interesting messages. As a 13 year old girl, the last message I wanted to take for my father was something that went like, Hi can you tell your father that x is calling, oh and tell him it's a bdika/nida/mikvah question, and it' really urgent. And sometimes people would get really detailed. I didn't want to know that kind of stuff about peoples lives. To this day I have no idea what they were thinking leaving messages like that with a preteen/teenage girl.
(BTW. father is rav of a MO shul)

gryp

Mon, Jul 27 2009, 10:23 pm

Since the other thread was locked before I had a chance to post, I wanted to clear something up, since my "name" was mentioned there.
I ask every time I have a question. I don't go looking for the answer in books, I don't decide on my own, I don't rely on other people. I'm lucky I have it simple, I can either call up or email my father, or wait for his once-a-week, set-in-stone, phone call.

The part where it gets tricky is that we all agree that common sense has to be used when it comes to asking a shailah, but which situations call for common sense is what varies from person to person. It's a really tricky issue, that I don't think can be defined clearly by any one person, except of course if someone is ch"v transgressing outright.

I said it in the other thread and I'll say it again, it would be beyond silly for me to ask my father things like, how many ovens do I need, should my sons grow beards IYH one day, do I need to eat in a sukkah, how much hair can I uncover. These things aren't changing any time soon, from the way I grew up.
Then there are the things like, do I need to fast when pregnant, can I do laundry chol hamoed, can I use tomato sauce from a fleishig container for milchig spaghetti, are the empty aluminum pans that were in the oven while the chicken baked completely fleishig now, etc., that I know pretty much what the answer will be because I grew up with those answers, but I still need to ask for clarification and verification.
Then there are the things that I have no clue about and I call up my father right away because I need an answer right now. Like that fond memory I have when someone replaced all the treifed up (not really treifed up, but I wasn't sure what the status was) silverware back into their proper places in the drawers, and there was no way for me to tell which forks, spoons, and knives, were which. Probably the most interesting shailah I've ever asked.

But my point is, in short, that I ask every time I feel there is a need. I'll be the first one to tell you that my knowledge of halacha isn't what I wish it would be. (It just doesn't stick in my head, no matter how much I learn.)

As far as the poll question, I don't see an option that would fit for my situation, and it could be I ask more often than others since I have such easy access, BH.

cassandra

Mon, Jul 27 2009, 10:34 pm

GR, I also have easy access, which is probably why I ask more often too. For ex, I don't do my own laundry, a non-Jewish housekeeper does it for me. embarrassed

The thought of her having 9 days of laundry piled up for the sake of my religion bothered me a little. If it was a matter of calling up a "Rav" I never would have asked about it and just assumed she couldn't do it, but because of my easy access I mentioned it yesterday and was told that if she is doing the laundry then for her benefit, provided I don't wear the clean clothes, she can do it.

OTOH, there are things I almost never ask about even if they'd be real shailos for most because I'm very confident that I know the area well-- Hil. Basar b'chalav for one (even my sisters call me before they will call my father!) And I do look things up, like for Hil. Shabbos, say, but probably because it's gratifying for me to do so.

I think I needed to add options for "And I am married/related to a Rabbi" and "I'm not married/related to a Rabbi"

greenfire

Mon, Jul 27 2009, 10:50 pm

GR wrote:

Then there are the things that I have no clue about and I call up my father right away because I need an answer right now. Like that fond memory I have when someone replaced all the treifed up (not really treifed up, but I wasn't sure what the status was) silverware back into their proper places in the drawers, and there was no way for me to tell which forks, spoons, and knives, were which. Probably the most interesting shailah I've ever asked.

what made that the most interesting shaila and what was the answer ?

as for me I ask if something comes up

some things have to do with mix-ups in kashrus or conflicts in opinions like is the succah kosher enough or did this branch make it pasul

I think the most interesting shaila was in regard to taking dd to emergency room - when I wasn't quite sure how urgent the situation was ... another time I asked after the math if I was allowed to be taken home on shabbos

freidasima

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 12:54 am

What about if you have been given an answer in the past, either in particular meaning you asked a shayla, or in a shiur where a topic was dealt with in depth, and the situation is the same, would you ask about that?

And what about those people where, unlike what GR wrote, halocho DOES stick in their heads after they learn it, would you ask about situations where you clearly know the psak?

I think that the problem in the other thread was that term "grey areas" which is really not defined. Because for one woman "grey areas" are organ transplants and not bosor becholov or even basic nidda because she just doesn't have niddah problems (I don't and never did) and she knows bosor becholov and she knows the things that come up in everyday life, so her "grey areas" are not exactly those which you come across on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis and sometimes it won't come up for years (I just brought transplants as an example but you get my meaning). Would you ask about something that you know which to many people would be a "grey area" as they didn't learn it or haven't experienced it, but you have and know what to do?

RachelEve14

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 1:13 am

We ask a few times a year. I spoke to my Rav this past week about giving the kids their basari hot dogs before Shabbos. We spoke to him a few months ago about if it was still okay to give them milk after meat and not make them wait. I asked him about going to a beach because of all the discussion on imamother Smile

I have a lot more questions because of situations with my parents (I'm BT) and different things in dh's family. I also feel very comfortable and at home speaking to my rav and his wife (his wife more about haskafic things). I feel blessed we have someone we can really call and go to with all kinds of issues from raising kids to the simple "I dropped my milk spoon in my meat soup" type of questions.

Seraph

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 2:58 am

I learned hilchos kashrus quite well, know many of the rules, so dont need to ask so many shailos, as I know the answer.
(Like yesterday, I accidentally measured boiling water into my fleishig not ben yomo glass mugs then poured them into my parve pot. I did not ask a shaila, because I know that if its not ben yomo, anything is pagum... Not to mention I dont think I EVER put any hot actual fleishigs in that cup, only use that cup to drink from at a fleishig meal. I know my parve pot is not fleishig now, so didnt bother calling the rav because I know the halachic concepts and hence the halacha.)

I ask questions more often that regard family members or situations when there are two conflicting halachos.

But if a question isnt urgent, I usually write it down on my white board and when I have a few questions, call up the rav.
Guess the answer is probably 5 or six times a year maximum, but each time its up to 3 or 4 shailos at a time.

shalhevet

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 3:19 am

I agree with Temilia that it depends what's going on - there were definitely stages when we asked lots of shailas: at the beginning of married life, during a first pregnancy and after having your first boy/ girl. As FS said, afterwards you have often already asked and you don't need to ask again when the same situation comes up.

It also depends how you define a shaila. If there's something I don't know, I often look it up (say in Shemiras Shabbos K'hilchasa) or ask dh who usually can look it up if he doesn't know. I wouldn't call those things a shaila. Maybe we've asked 5 or 10 basar b'chalav shailas since we were married (17 years) since, as Seraph said, most basar b'chalav is straight halacha if you know it, and not what I'd call a shaila. Shailos are really questions with different opinions, so you need to ask your own rav what he holds.

Seraph

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 3:22 am

shalhevet wrote:

Yea, I think the last basar vichalav shaila I asked was if I was allowed to serve gezpacho, made with raw garlic, and blended in a not ben yomo milchig blender at a fleishig meal. Rav said no.
That must have been 2 years ago or so.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 6:49 am

I had a lot more shailos as a single because I was less learned (since you learn all the time or at least you should) and since I didn't have my husband. Now BH he has answers to a lot of what I ask.
But shailos were often more hashkafa or theory questions though, not "can I do XYZ".

When I don't know something I ask dh. If he doesn't know he looks in a sefer. If he doesn't find or it's not clear cut he calls his ruv or I contact mine.

My parents really rarely called their rav, but again not a lot of shailos came up in their life that I remember.

cassandra

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:19 am

Seraph wrote:

Also, glass isn't bolea.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:23 am

maybe a few times a year, but like everyone said, there are some times that questions get concentrated.

for example, after I gave birth 6 weeks early and I had to pump for my baby, I was calling my rav a LOOOT about what was allowed on shabbat and what was not.

but in regular day to day things, I would have to say that I rarely call the rav unless we can not look it up ourselves or dont know the answer already.