I am not managing!!!! kids/house/health

amother

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 6:22 pm

I am so not managing taking care of the house, kids and myself. I have Thank G-d little children and its all too much for me. I am weak and do not feel well most days and my kids make trouble and I just do not have the strenth anymore to do it all. I wish I could afford more help but I can not. I end up screaming most off the day at my kids. (I was always against screaming but I can just not hold back anymore). I am not sure if I am looking for advice, I quess I am just venting and hoping to find people who understand.

acccdac

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 6:44 pm

I would like to help, I'm a fixer (like the male gender, buy I'm female dont worry Smile

) but if you wouldnt mind can you give me a bit more info, so we can come up with a solution

when you say weak what does that mean? what are you capable of? what makes you feel better (sleep, food, etc)? How often do you need to rest?

how old are your children?

what does a daily schedule for you look like?

what does YOUR HUSBAND expect, not what your standards are but his (I ask this becuase a lot of us women tend to do things for the house because we want to please our husbands but if we would only ask them they'd say they would rather see unfolder laundry on the couch if that meant we were happy)?

mimivan

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 7:04 pm

Wow...that sounds familiar...
You should start by taking care of yourself. Your health. I was yelling alot at my kids and cut out coffee and went on a special diet and found it helped TREMENDOUSLY.
do basics.
find time to care for yourself, do stretching, eat right.

Try flylady.com to help you manage the house. Break everything down into simple tasks.

And take time to daven. This isn't necess formal davening...even for five minutes.

basically, divide everything up in bite-sized portions...and then life will be easier to swallow iy'h...

acccdac

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 7:11 pm

minivan said it very well without getting more info.

I was asking for more info because I find with myself that I yell when I'm at fault, meaning I didnt plan any activity for the day, or I didnt have a snack ready after school so they're hungry, and stuff like that.

you dont have to answer my previous post but if you want more things that you can change in your life to help feel free to do so and we can come up with some solutions.

soldat

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:24 pm

you need to take credit for what gets done (the prioreties) and do your best to ignore what doesn't
I know a 75 yr old lady (not Jewish) who had 3 children under 3. she told me how at the end of a day she'd sit on the couch crying that her house was a mess etc.
her husband would ask her - did the children all have something to eat? yes
are they happy? - yes
then you did a great job.

greenfire

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:33 pm

interesting point ... is it us who demands too much of ourselves ... I did what I could and didn't do what I couldn't ... I focused on the kids not the mess ...

you should make sure that you get taken care of just like the kids need to be nurtured so does the mommy ... with food, with bath time, with enough sleep, etc. ...

SunLover

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:40 pm

not every woman is a "supermom" type that can handle work/kids/house etc. I KNOW I AM NOT!!!! I didnt realize that until I had a child and its hard becuase alot of men expect there wives to be supermoms like their own mothers. but once you accept the fact that yoou can handle what you can handle and say "I am not a supermom" I think its easier. atleast for me!!! your sanity is the most important thing for your home and your children, so good luck and take it easy on yourself!

momtomany

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 8:48 pm

I dont know what type you are but you may want to consider buying some kosher videos and letting the kids watch videos whenever you simply need time to breathe. I know its not ideal, but videos that are clean and kosher can be a life saver at times. and fun for the kids too!

amother

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 9:35 pm

Thanks for your reply.

I will try to explain my situation a little.
My kids are 1/2/3.
I am weak, never had time to get back to myself after having kids (close together). Do not worry; I have a heter by now for bc. I try to do exercise and eat well to feel better but I am still weak. My kids are at the age that they need me for most things so most of the day I am dressing, changing, feeding them, and making peace between them, yes they fight. Nursing my baby. I feel I need rest more but don’t have money for a babysitter and do not like asking people for favors.
Its not that my husband is expecting too much, he actually doesn’t care too much about the house being a mess etc.

No, I do take vitamin d, what B should I take? I also take prenatals.

Videos? I do not have a video, we are thinking of buying a dvd player to babysit them when I need a break even though we do not have money for it.

manhattanmom

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 10:19 pm

amother wrote:

Videos? I do not have a video, we are thinking of buying a dvd player to babysit them when I need a break even though we do not have money for it.

They could watch a DVD on your computer.
If you're computer is in an accessible place you don't need to buy anything else....

acccdac

Tue, Jul 28 2009, 11:15 pm

I'm a big nurser, I cry with each child the first formula bottle I give, thats usually at 5 months maybe 2 times a week, so understand that before I say this....

maybe you should stop nursing, and let your body be yours so it can heal.

are your kids good sleepers, is your 3 year old still napping? if so, I know its hard to do becuase there is always something else to do but take a nap.

I know you dont want help but I think if a girl or two in the community were to come over, even once a week on shabbos for 1-2 hours and help you out, for free, I think you should take it. I know its hard to ask for favors or handouts but I think you need to take the uncomfortableness that you have and replace it with pride that you are doing something good for you and your family. There is a girl in the community who goes to a young couple here with 3 kids and watches/plays with the kids on shabbos afternoon so the parents dont have to. This girls has been doing it since elementary school. her mother, not her school, is the one who set up this chessed program (I hope to teach this same chessed when IY"H I have a daughter)

as sunlover said we dont all have to be supermom, and part of not being supermom is knowing when to ask for help.

Pizza

Wed, Jul 29 2009, 12:39 am

I could have written your post a number of years ago
I was finally diagnosed, and started taking anti-depressants - what an amazing difference! I was finally able to stop and take that deep breath people always talk about... I am a totally different mother / wife now!
(I am not diagnosing you, just empathizing)

ABC

Wed, Jul 29 2009, 5:30 am

how about staggering your kids' nap times so that you don't have all 3 of them awake at the same time? it may mean you have less of an evening, but it may make the day easier. so try and make it so that at least 1 kid is napping at a time so you only have 2 to deal with at a time.

I find being outside helps. my kids behave better and then I don't havce to worry about mess. take lunch or dinner to the park with you to eat there. much more fun than sitting at home alone with 3 little ones and no outside contact.

write lists to plan what you can realistically achieve in a day. then you'll also feel good when you achieve it, and also you'll give more shape to your week.

call out to Hashem - He will help! and it will make you feel better (and I swear it really makes a difference).

do things with your kids that need to get done anyway, even though they are still v little. for example, need to bake for shabbat? do it 'with' them. they will love it, and you will get things done at the same time as entertaining them. most children from age 2 and a bit are capable of pouring something into a mixing bowl, 'helping' to hold the bowl while mommy stirs, stirring it themselves.

my kids also love 'cleaning' the toys. let them each (ok not the 1 yr old) take a wipe, then choose a toy to clean. you may be surprised at how thorough they are! kids love to feel like they are helping mommy, and are much less likely to fight if they're busy.

just some ideas that stop me from falling apart sometimes.

good luck, I feel for you.

pacifier

Wed, Jul 29 2009, 10:10 am

amother wrote:

Of course you're still weak and overwhelmed. Just think that your 3 year old will go to preschool in a month, it will get easier then. And in 2 years you'll have the 3 of them in school, you'll get some time.
One thing you have to make time for is sleep. I find out that when I don't sleep enough I also yell at my kids (3 1/2, 2 and under 1). Sometimes, when they get in trouble, I laugh instead of getting angry, that helps.(think spilled cereal or water from their cup; think headphones on ds head and my computer on the floor......argg)

freidasima

Wed, Jul 29 2009, 10:14 am

Oy nebisch you sound like you are really having a hard time...hugs.

Now for some advice.
Let the house go to hell.
Give the kids cereal for two meals a day.
Get one of those big plapens that stand on the floor like octagons, put the older ones in with toys and newspapers to tear and whatever and then...close the door.
Put the baby into the crib and...go to sleep.
Every day for two hours.
Let them cry, let them scream, let the older ones kill each other.
Go to sleep.
use earplugs
just make sure there is nothing where they can hurt themselves.

Ask neighbors to make a babysitting deal, you will take their for a few hours (what's a few more kids in the playpen?) and they will take yours.

Go to your doctor and get a blood test.
Do you have a mother, mother in law, sisters or sister in law? Enlist their help.

Pearl

Wed, Jul 29 2009, 10:49 am

freidasima wrote:

Give the kids cereal for two meals a day.
Get one of those big plapens that stand on the floor like octagons, put the older ones in with toys and newspapers to tear and whatever and then...close the door.
Put the baby into the crib and...go to sleep.
Every day for two hours.
Let them cry, let them scream, let the older ones kill each other.
Go to sleep.
use earplugs
just make sure there is nothing where they can hurt themselves.

OMG!

sorry, but that's totally unacceptable. you really can't do any of that. children need decent food (and that's really not all that difficult, some veggies, pasta or potatoes, and fruit, no big deal).
children should NEVER EVER be locked up in any room for any reason! closing the door on (small) children is traumatizing. children don't have to be left by themselves screaming.
seriously. it's very dangerous to leave children alone in a room and close the door on them (even when not locked). it costs life, there are so many horrible examples....
OP, I sympathize with you. to have such small children, so close in age, it's very diffiuclt and it's good you ask for help. try to find help, maybe there are high school girls who can take the children for a walk, or babysit them. maybe your husband can take over for an hour or so when he gets home, so you can rest.
it's perfectly normal to be overwhelmed, I am sure we all are every now and then.
I hope you will be able to find people who can help you while you work to get stronger, and that iyh in due time things will get better and easier.