question about sticky situation re- 7 brochas.

micki

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 8:10 pm

question.
our friends daughter got married last sunday. my husband and the father of the kalla worked together for years, I am friendly with the kalla and her mother.
we were not invited to the wedding. we don't have a problem with that, $$ is tight so we understand they cannot invited everyone.
other friends are making a sheva brochos for the couple in our shul. they are inviting only shul members. because we are, we are invited.
is it weird that we are invited? we feel a little uncomfortable.
more so, the hostess of the sheva brochos called and asked us if we can help sponsor the 7 brochos, by buying all the drinks.
her explanation is that $$ is tight and every little bit helps.
we have no problem buying hte drinks, as the hostess is our friend. but how does that look to the kallas parents, that we helped sponsor ( a little bit) the 7 brochas but were not invited to the wedding?
also if we don't give we feel yucky cause our whole family was invited, and we can't give the drinks?
the hostess did not call us when she planned this, only tonight the day before.
what are your thoughts? are we making mountains out of molehills?
should we give drinks or not?

greenfire

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 8:29 pm

in general it wouldn't be such an issue to be only invited to a sheva brochos ... however, they invited you at the last minute - could it be they merely wanted the drink$ covered ... cause from that perspective it's just using you ... had they asked you well before it would be understandable ...

mummiedearest

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 8:44 pm

you're supposed to have a new face at the sheva brachot. I don't see the big deal in it. if it didn't bother you in the first place, why would you be bothered now? if you feel you can sponsor the drinks, go ahead and do so. that way you can pick the drinks you like/approve of. if you really don't want to sponsor the drinks, you don't have to. sheva brachot are simchas, too. enjoy sharing them with people you know. weddings are expensive, and often people can't invite everyone they know. it's nothing personal.

micki

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 9:04 pm

greenie- we were invited to the 7 B when it was planned, not tonite.
so we should not feel uncomfortable?
as to the drinks, if my friend asked me months ago, would I be a co hostess (of drinks) for these people, I would say no.
but now that she see the expenses piling up, she needs my help, and as her friend I can't say no.

ok- it will make us more comfortable to be there if we participated.
thanks for your replies.

greenfire

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 9:50 pm

slightly different scenario - I understand you want to be nice to your friend ... but she shouldn't plan something w/o expecting to shell out and asking you when you're not interested is kinda rude still ...

I might just stay home - cause I wouldn't want to feel used - nor stingy for not shelling out the booze ... unless of course you kick back a few and feel a little different Drunken Smile

micki

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 10:22 pm

I guess my husband put whats bothering us in words- imagine I threw a birthday party for my daughter. I invited friends. and I asked one friend if they could please bring potato chips becasue it is too expensive for me to have the whole cost of the party myse

mummiedearest

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 10:25 pm

micki wrote:

yes, it's not the right way to arrange things. but if you're ok with dong it, don't worry about it. if it happens again, say no.

I would like to point out that you don't need much alcohol for the sheva brachot. one or two bottles of wine should do. you don't need to sponsor a whole night of lchaims that will result in drunkenness.

amother

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 11:25 pm

as far as being invited to 7 Brochos you may just be the ponim chadoshos, which one is supposed to have so that's fine from that respect

As far as sponsoring the drinks, well depends how you see it, You can view it as if you are helping out the friend who invited you to the 7 brochos, or as if you are helping her to help out the kallah who she is making 7 brochos for.
If you see it as if you are helping your friend then I kind of view it the way your husband described it. Making a party and asking someone to bring something along.
On the other hand if she is a close friend, when we as family make events we sometimes ask one or the other to bring something. It's customary in my family when someone is making a simcha for the family members to contribute. Maybe you can view it in that way. Depends on your relationship with the person.
Has she helped you in the past if you needed help or would she? That's something you may want to consider as well. If she has then you should probably reciprocate, if not then it's up to you how you feel about it. If you are going to be resentful that's not good either.

micki

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 11:50 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

micki wrote:

no its not alchohol, just drinks, you know soda seltzer water... for the whole shul. to serve 70 people about.

its not the money, I can't see it being more than $20- I hope- its the idea that she planned a party - good for her- but then she asks me to help her with the $$.
no she is not a close, like family friend. but she is a sweet (non thinking) person.
we decided we'll just do it, and consider it I don't know what. it will make us more comfortable to bring our family.

Isramom8

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 12:07 am

It's not like the example of making your daughter a birthday party and asking a guest to bring the chips, because it's both or several families making the sheva brachos for an outsider. The hosts probably just realized that the expenses had gotten out of hand. Maybe the husband told the wife to get others to pitch in with sponsering costs.

It just has an icky feel, because not only were you left out of the wedding, but you were asked to support the sheva brachos. At no time are you simply honored guests. Well, when money is scarce, such is life. Get real, and be happy for their simcha under the actual circumstances. I can understand that this could be challenging.

amother

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 1:04 am

Isramom8 wrote:

If she is asking her to join in in hosting the 7 brochos, then that has to be done up front before she invites her as in "I wanted to make a sheva brochos for x, do you want to join me?"and should really only be asked of other people who were invited to the wedding.
On the other hand if it's a tzedoka then it can be viewed exactly as so regardless of invitation to wedding or not.

Raisin

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 5:06 am

does she realise you were not invited to the wedding? Pesonally, if I was making the wedding, I would be very uncomfortable if a guest I did not invite partially sponsered one of the sheva brochos. So I would say to the sb hostess, I'd love to sponser the drinks but it might be a litle awkward because I was not invited to the wedding.

amother

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 5:57 am

If I were OP, I would not attend the 7 Brachos and would not contribute either. I would find it a bit awkward to go considering I actually know the family well but was not invited to the wedding. I would assume the baal simcha would feel just as awkward.

Raisin

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 5:59 am

amother wrote:

why? the op understands that the baal simcha would like to invite her but cannot afford it. no reason not to go to the sheva brachos - in fact, you are meant to have guests at sb who were not at wedding.

geemum

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 7:01 am

There is no question whether OP should go - for sure she should. I've been in a very similar situatuion and I did not feel uncomfortable going to (just) the sheva brochos.

What doesn't sit so well is that she is the only one being asked to contribute to the evening. Had the hostess been a very good friend I would understand, but seeing as she's not so close to the hostess, I'm a bit confused why she was asked to bring drinks.

If you can afford it, just bring the drinks.; it's not worth to cause unrest with friends ... and see it as your contribution to simchas chassan v'kallah (perhaps a rov will tell you that it can come from your maaser money?)

BeershevaBubby

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 7:19 am

Sheva Brachot is often a way for families who can't afford to invite ALL their friends to the wedding, to help participate in the Simcha in general.

Regarding bringing the drinks... generally when we do something like this, everyone (but the Chattan and Kallah and their families of course) brings something to contribute or they give a little money. However the invitation to the 7B is with this understanding.

fleetwood

Fri, Aug 28 2009, 7:25 am

I see nothing wrong with being invited to the sheva brochos but not the wedding. However, in my circles good friends are the ones who contribute to Sheva Brochos. I feel if she wasn't enough of a friend to be at the wedding she's not enough of a friend to contribute. It actually seems a little odd to me that you were even asked. I cant imagine saying to someone ," I know you're not so close to be at the wedding but please give me money for sheva brochos". it seems a little odd.