teaching children RESPONSIBILTY!

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Teaching children RESPONSIBILTY!

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chabadnick

Wed, Apr 05 2006, 6:00 pm

how does one teach a child responsibilty? I have a son who is almost 5, he is cute, sweet and funny...however he lascks responsibility,,,he was into trains and he recieved at least 10 in a short period around channukah.. we bought him a box to put them in and he refused to listen. then my mothr bought him aN EXPENSIVE TAMACAGOCHI and he lost it! he wined about it for a minute and then thought "bubbe will buy me a new one" I spent an hour searching for it! he forgot about it! is he too young to be reponsible"?

mom3boys

Wed, Apr 05 2006, 6:08 pm

I don't think he is too young. He maybe a bit spoiled by bubby Scratching Head

Maybe he should go without undeserved gifts for a while, let him earn what he gets, than he might value it more since he himself will be more invested in it.

But he is definitely not to young to value his toys.

Good luck, I realize it might be a challenge to inforce this with bubby

hisorerus

Wed, Apr 05 2006, 6:25 pm

I think you should try to teach him responsibility with things you aren't as concerned about. You may also need to model some behavior. "See, I'm putting my necklace back in the jewelry box so I don't lose it."

chabadnick

Wed, Apr 05 2006, 8:34 pm

its not about the spoiling...thats another issue for another thread...he breaks things and just thinks we have money to buy him new things
we dont buy him any toys...only his bubbies!

ektsm

Wed, Apr 05 2006, 8:37 pm

He's only five I wouldn't be too hard on him.

chabadnick

Fri, Apr 07 2006, 6:22 am

the question is how and when do you start teaching children responsibilty!@

chen

Fri, Apr 07 2006, 7:29 am

chabadnick wrote:

the question is how and when do you start teaching children responsibilty!@

when? from the time they can understand what you are saying.
how? by modeling responsible behavior, explaining that behavior (as in the necklace example above), setting specific, clearly expressed rules, and by enacting consequences for violations. If he doesn't put his toys where they belong, take them away. (10 whole trains may be a bit much to expect a 5-year-old to put away by himself, depending on how many pieces are in each, but he can certainly do something. ) Let him earn his toys back by doing other responsible things like putting his shirts in the drawer or his dirty socks in the hamper.

Generally speaking, the more of anything a person possesses, the less he values each individual one. A few well-loved toys are infinitely preferable to, and easier to care for, than a mountain of playthings viewed with disdain. Even when a child has many toys, close observation will usually show that after a while he will gravitate to a few favorite ones and ignore the rest.

You will need to draft the bubbies' cooperation. Suggest a limit to the type, expense, and number of gifts they give, and explain why. A 5-year-old cannot distinguish the monetary value of a gift any more than he can tell the difference between real gold jewelry and costume. Expensive electronic toys--or any toys that are not big, fairly simple, and durable-- are not appropriate for this age.

Furthermore, insist that the bubbies not replace any toys that your son breaks or loses, otherwise the lesson is lost. You could recommend that instead of expensive tchatchkes that will only end up broken or ignored, the bubbies buy token inexpensive toys and put the rest of the money in an account for your son's education or some other purpose.

Meanwhile, keep a sense of perspective: a 5-y/o is not an adult and cannot be expected to care for his things as a responsible adult would. Toys do break or get lost, so unless your son deliberately breaks something just to be destructive (as opposed to, say, taking it apart to see how it works and being unable to put it back together), try to take the loss in stride. You can of course point out to your son that his toy got sucked up in the vacuum cleaner, or damaged, or lost, because he didn't put it back where it belonged. Message: your action or inaction has consequences.

G'Luck.

happymom

Fri, Apr 07 2006, 7:50 am

give him something special and tell him its his to take care of... like a plant to water every day, a fish to feed, something thats just for him thats hes in charge of. when he remembers and is responsible, praise him and take the time to talk about rtesponsibility.... hell feel very good about this.

gryp

Fri, Apr 07 2006, 8:10 am

happymom, I think that will just give chabadnick an extra chore from now on Wink

kids that age will believe any small toy is special, depending on how you present it to them.
just take any small toy (a new one or one he isnt bored of) and teach him how to take care of it: (maybe books are a good thing to start with)
give it a special place on the shelf
dust it off after being on the floor ( Smile

)
make sure he handles it very carefully

and then graduate to more toys once he gets the idea.

chabadnick- do you have any rules about the toys?
for example, here we know that when we are finished with one toy, it must be put back before we take out the next one.
if there is a mess on the floor, it must be cleaned up.
each toy goes on a specific shelf.
there is no throwing toys.
toys get washed if they are dirty
batteries get changes if a toy runs out.
etc.

if a toy is mishandled or not cleaned up it goes on the top shelf until he understands that next time he will clean it up/not throw it, etc.

happymom

Fri, Apr 07 2006, 11:16 am

Quote:

Posted: Today at 10:10 am Post subject: re: teaching children RESPONSIBILTY!

happymom, I think that will just give chabadnick an extra chore from now on

kids that age will believe any small toy is special, depending on how you present it to them.
just take any small toy (a new one or one he isnt bored of) and teach him how to take care of it: (maybe books are a good thing to start with)
give it a special place on the shelf
dust it off after being on the floor ( )
make sure he handles it very carefully

yes and this is what I was saying too. I was just giving an example but yeah it can work for anything.

happyone

Fri, Apr 07 2006, 11:24 am

[quote="chabadnick"]how does one teach a child responsibilty? I have a son who is almost 5, he is cute, sweet and funny...however he lascks responsibility,,,he was into trains and he recieved at least 10 in a short period around channukah.. we bought him a box to put them in and he refused to listen. then my mothr bought him aN EXPENSIVE TAMACAGOCHI and he lost it! he wined about it for a minute and then thought "bubbe will buy me a new one" I spent an hour searching for it! he forgot about it! is he too young to be reponsible"?[/quote]

I must be outdated, but what is a TAMACAGOCHI? Please clue me in.

MOM222

Sat, Apr 08 2006, 1:24 pm

Sometimes grandmother get annoyed when we try to change them or tell them not to buy gifts.

Better first try to work with your child.

When ever he doesn't want to put back a toy you tell him in 2 minutes I will be back in the room if it is not put away I will take it away. 5 Seconds before you come you tell him again. In 5 seconds I will be in the room and I am going to take a way the toy.

But then you MUST remove the toy- put it in a bag and put it away somewhere he wont know or reach.

After 1-2 week you can give it back to him.

Do this with every toy and don't give in.

My daugher know that when I say that I mean it and she runs to clean up.

happymom

Sat, Apr 08 2006, 5:19 pm

Quote:

When ever he doesn't want to put back a toy you tell him in 2 minutes I will be back in the room if it is not put away I will take it away.

I like the positive approach alot better. Why not do the same but tell him Im going to come into the room in 2 minutes and if u put that toy away mommy will be SOOOO happy that u did such a mitzvah and cleaned up! after I would go over and give him a big hug and tell him how proud u are of him for being responsible! im sure hell do things more and more... who doesnt want praise...?

With the other approach, punishing and taking things away, it can just make a child frustrated and doesnt necessarily work.

MOM222

Sun, Apr 09 2006, 12:52 am

Then where is the consenquence? What if he doesn't care to make you happy?

And about our children making us happy is not really a correct chinuch approach in many cases. What if they do it always to please the parents 0r because they are afraid of the parents. Out of the parents house - if they are not interested in pleasing the adult or aren't afraid then they wont do it.

You have to teach children to listen to parents because they said so not because it will make you happy.

of course you can still during the day say " You made me so happy....." and if he cleaned up then of course you compliment the child, kiss him ,hug him whatever.

Just to add you arent punishing the child - you are teaching him that if toy dont get put away the dissapear. When you are responsible and take care of your toys then they are yours to play with.

Ps its not my own idea, it comes from chinuch classes I heard

happymom

Sun, Apr 09 2006, 6:18 am

Quote:

Then where is the consenquence? What if he doesn't care to make you happy?

of course there are consequesnces needed at times and kids must know thier place! but with the positive approach first, we sometimes can avoid that since some kids will listen right away, and then tehre wont be a need for punishment! I taught preschool for 5 years and this worked ALOT. Yes sometimes I needed to give a consequence and have a "talk" with the kids... but my kids listened and were great bh because of the positive apprach.

for example if one child was yelling and standing up at the lunch table, I would praise the kids who were sitting and eating thier lunches. almost always the kid standing up would sit down and eat his lunch! I would then praise him too!!! Sometimes kids do things for attention. if they arent getting it in a positive way they would rather get it in a negative way then nothing at all. if they see they can get it by being good. hey! why not?

of course the point isnt to make us happy. for sure they should be told they must listen because thats what it says in the torah.. other things can be said... like "Im sure hashem is so proud that u are doing such a big mitzvah!" it makes mommy so proud of you too when u listen to your yeitzer tov and fight your yeitzer harah!
(the one that tells u NOT to listen"

gryp

Sun, Apr 09 2006, 6:47 am

happymom, the positive approach is nice but doesnt work that often. it depends on the child.
perhaps it works in a classroom setting where you can use peer pressure in a positive way. but one on one is just not the same.

I always try the positive approach first but it almost never works.
the "negative" approach is not really negative. its all a matter of fact- if the toys dont get put away, they get taken away.

its the childs choice- if he wants to keep the toys, he must clean them up. if he doesnt feel like cleaning them up, then he is sure to do it next time after he hasnt played with the toy in a while.

mom222- I learned the same thing in chinuch, you dont tell your kids to do something in order to make you happy. because there will come a time when they dont care to make you happy and it wont be effective anymore.

happymom

Sun, Apr 09 2006, 7:13 am

Quote:

u are right it doesnt always work but whenever I try it does work most of the time. I do this with my little bothers and sisters all the time... like if they arent listening and are not going to bed I say "lets see who can get into bed FIRST and surprise mommy!" these kinds of things really d work and in my opinion are better then "whoever doesnt get into bed NOW will be punished!

MOM222

Sun, Apr 09 2006, 7:31 am

I agree with you with the positive approach but there is a time and place for the negative (which is not really negative).

all the examples you gave - bedtime, eating lunch are short term discipling.

The issue at hand is a long term one. Teaching responsibility that wasn't learnt - and that we have to take the stronger approach to make sure the lesson gets learnt.

MOM222

Sun, Apr 09 2006, 7:33 am

GR- maybe we heard it from the same person LOL

happymom

Sun, Apr 09 2006, 7:33 am

yes u are right. I was just responding to the punishing that someone mentioned. like I sid yes thats necessary sometimes. but there are other times when its better to be positive.

sorry though this was off topic... about teaching responsibility, maybe u can speak to someone really good with these things. I know a lady who is extremely knowledgable in these areas... I can ask her if youd like.

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