5 Things I've learned in the 6 months of marriage

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Apple pie

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 4:49 pm

There is some real good advice here!

my favorite:

- Don't expect him to read your mind.
- Make it a point to spend time together (goes without saying when you're newlywed, but needs a little push after kids come and you're often overwhelmed.... which brings me to the next one, who had me Rolling Laughter

- A house is much calmer after kids go to sleep!
But many other pieces of advice here had me: Yes

My addition:

- They say never to go to sleep angry but I find that sometimes, when everyone is tired and tensed, there is no point in trying to discuss things. Discussion might even worsen the situation because when we are tired we tend to exaggerate things and take things to tragic. Whereas after a good night sleep, the elephant we though bothered us last night often turns into a laughable fly...

shnitzel

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 6:06 pm

Spell things out if you want them done. Straightforward instructions. Say it once, maybe a reminder but
NEVER nag or hint.

You need to work to keep intimacy fresh and exciting (especially with children around) and it really affects all other aspects of marriage.

Compliment and flatter as much as possible (this DH taught me) a few kind words can make DH feel really special. Makes him see his wife thinks he is amazing and really values him. Guys really thrive when their ego is stroked.

GingerSpice

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 6:11 pm

Apple pie wrote:

- A house is much calmer after kids go to sleep!
But many other pieces of advice here had me: Yes

Even when angry at DH I tell him good night and I love you. If I didn't I wouldn't sleep well and would wake up feeling awful. Lets him know you still love him even though your upset at the moment.

superjew

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 6:13 pm

[/quote] Even when angry at DH I tell him good night and I love you. If I didn't I wouldn't sleep well and would wake up feeling awful. Lets him know you still love him even though your upset at the moment.[/quote]

Totally agree with this one! Thumbs Up

superjew

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 6:14 pm

GingerSpice wrote:

Even when angry at DH I tell him good night and I love you. If I didn't I wouldn't sleep well and would wake up feeling awful. Lets him know you still love him even though your upset at the moment.

Totally agree!! Thumbs Up

supermama2

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 6:31 pm

Man, I must have it on easy street...DH really doesn't care if the bed or made or if I am in a jean skirt ( read dressed waay casual )...

Great pointers you have all given! I'll have to brainstorm to add something new, you are grabbing all the important ones before I could post Very Happy

lamplighter

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 6:48 pm

- Everything (but the dishes) look better the next morning.

-Some things are best communicated indirectly (note, text, email)

- Have a girlfriend to complain to (not about him)

- If you can only clean one place, clean the bedroom

- Fights are not really about right and wrong, but his right vs your right

shoy18

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 6:53 pm

- The socks that he steps on every morning he really DOESN'T SEE!

the world's best mom

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 7:03 pm

-The 3 most important words in marriage are "I was wrong." (according to Rabbi Krohn)
- If dh is helping in the house, never criticise how he does it. Just thank him.
Maybe I'll be able to think of more if I get a little sleep so my brain can start working again, but that hasn't happened much lately. Anyway, it looks like most of the good advice was mentioned already.

chabadshb

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 7:50 pm

Great thread Smile

1) men don't read mind, tell him what r u feeling/thinking.
2)Give him some food when he comes back home from work/kollel, this will change the way he will react at what you want to talk to him.
3)Give a very detailed shopping list, or u will get exactly what u don't want
4)NEVER complains when he's helping you, who cares he didn't do exactly what you want, he's HELPING you.
5)Agree with the poster about gourmet food, dh just want a good tasting food

flowerpower

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 7:57 pm

1-early nights just don't work

2-ten minutes really means he'll be home in an hour and ten minutes

3-super snacks adds to the crunch of the dinner meal

4-do not give out the home number to bored single guys that are bound to call at 3 am

5-human alarm clocks are more effective

6-giving makes them happy too, let them know what you like

relaxed

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 8:07 pm

I agree with most everything everyone has posted here. Including the ones that commended this thread. Thanks, OP!

Let's see what I can add...

1- Communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, and communicate. Those are the first 5 things I've learned since getting married and boy, is that right. Now onto the others.

2- Timing can make all the difference. Don't hash an issue out just when it's happening. Wait till your anger is cooled, your frustration eases, your heart stops racing, and you have time to think about how and when might be best to bring up the problem.

3- Having some food in both your bellies helps. In many many MANY ways.

4- Make your home the place your hubby ALWAYS misses when he's out of the house. For all the right reasons.

5- Saying your own prayer over the food you cook- asking G-d to give this food the power to make your dh happy and vice versa, and make your marriage even stronger so that you can serve G-d together even better than you did before, etc. etc. etc. - can create love potion #9 right in your very own kitchen. I kid you not.

ValleyMom

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 8:14 pm

1--- NEVER go to bed angry...
You just wake up anry, or even angrier.
2--- Grudges and resentment do NOT go away.
Things need to be discussed by two mature adults.
3---Breakfast for dinner is not a cardinal sin and can be quite fabulous from time to time.
4---Men get harder and harder to train after the first six years of marriage...
5--- Boxers and socks on the floor will never ever materialize into the hamper on their own. They must be done by human hands, or a trick dog.

mltjm

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 9:38 pm

1. If the dishes are still dirty after they've been washed, don't say anything.

2. Just get over it- the socks next to, but not in, the hamper, the toothpaste globs in the sink, the dirty plate left on the kitchen table. It's so not worth it.

3. If you're mad about something, try to sort out exactly what you're feeling before you start talking about it.

4. Always fall for the adorable puppy face

5. If you take it seriously, he will. If you don't he won't.

chilled

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 10:08 pm

okay, a few things I've learned in my less than two years of marriage....

1. I never realized I can hurt so deeply .... yet love just as much.

2. With enough energy and siyatta dishmaya, you CAN learn to trust again, no matter how messy the issue. (of course there are exceptions.)

2. mother in laws are awesome people and are a great sounding board.

3. Men CAN become good listeners!

4. marriage is what YOU make of it. you, and only you. any help is a BONUS.

superjew

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 10:23 pm

Be Modest! wrote:

4. marriage is what YOU make of it. you, and only you. any help is a BONUS.

True True and True again!!

Soph

Mon, Nov 16 2009, 10:33 pm

1. Never say never (you never help me)

2. Never say always (you are always leaving your shoes there)

3. Men do feel...and get hurt...and you have to thing 5 times before you say anything....as you expect them to do..

4. The comfort you feel when you go to bed at night and wake up with the perfect human being on your side...and that feeling...its priceless...

5. The love you thought you felt before you got married, is just a speck of dust compared to wat you feel now...and it gets bigger everyday

smilethere

Tue, Nov 17 2009, 6:07 am

1- Communication is the key. Not straight away but when you've calmed down. Don't be aggressive but do express your feelings otherwise resentment just builds up.

2- Marriage is the most amazing thing on earth. I never knew such a connection was possible and such happiness attainable.

3- Food, clean (not necessarily folded) clothing, and tidy beds are a must

4- Lots of warmth is necessary, to your spouse, kids, in laws etc

5- A chance to be free every while - go out with girlfriends, stay in with a good book but air out.

bstat

Tue, Nov 17 2009, 7:29 am

So much truth here! GREAT THREAD!!
someone put this up already but I think its so important, especially for the newlyweds. if dh is helping in any way, let him!! and let him do it his way, dont criticize. unless he asks for help, just appreciate that the task is getting done even if he's doing it the 'wrong' way or the longest way imaginable...he's still doing it and you wont have to. if you dont let him help now, when you need it most and ask him, he will feel like he's doing YOUR job and resent having to do it.

Seraph

Tue, Nov 17 2009, 7:37 am

10 things I learned in 3 years of marriage:

1. Let your husband deal with issues in his family, and you deal with issues among your family. Families handle criticism or otherwise better when it comes from their immediate family member than they do when it comes from in-laws. Even if you think you'd handle the situation better. And usually people know their families better so know how to solve problems in their family better than an outsider would.

2. Show your husband love the way HE wants to be shown it, not the way you want it shown to you. If cleanliness matters to your husband but he doesn't care if food is elaborate or not, don't make a five course meal and leave the house a wreck because if your husband did that to YOU it would make you happy. Remember what makes him happy isnt necessarily what makes you happy so if you're trying to please him, do things according to his desires, not yours.

3. Ask your MIL for your husband's favorite foods growing up and surprise him with cooking those foods according to her recipes.

4. Take advantage of nidda times. Try to imagine how it was when you were still dating and needed to be shomer negiya. Think how you bonded on an emotional level when touch wasnt allowed. Try to do the same during nidda periods.

5. Don't send your husband shopping and then get annoyed that he doesn't do it as you'd want it to be done. Either be happy with what he gets (even if its the wrong things) or do it yourself, but don't get upset at him for being a typical man.

6. If your husband likes certain types of clothing that arent accepted in your community, buy some clothes to wear at home only. No reason why you need to dress like that in public, but no reason to keep your husband from seeing you dressed in that way either.

7. Never discuss shalom bayis issues with family members. Even once that fight is long and forgotten from your head, your family members will always remember what you told them and view your spouse negatively because of that. Vent to imamother instead.

8. Above all, remember you're a couple. Its most important that you have shalom and do what makes you happy- don't let outsiders dictate to you how to live your life if following their rules will wreck your shalom bayis.

9. Your husband doesn't have to know everything.

10. Doing housework together makes the time go by faster and provides for a bonding experience at the same time.

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