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I let my kids have friends over but not go to friends houses



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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 3:52 am
I'm happy to let my children have friends over and I'm not very discriminating about which friends can come over, since all their friends are B"H nice kids. But since we live in a mixed community and we have stricter standards about what we expose our kids to (such as no TV in our home, no superhero characters), I do not let my children play at some of their friends' house. Unfortunately this is most of their friends, as the community is very modern. (We are unable to move now in case you were going to suggest that).

Is anyone else in this situation? My children are still young, so I'm not sure how this will be in a few years. It's already getting difficult to answer them why I won't let them go to their friends. Can you help me a good answer for that? Also, what is a polite way to answer their parents without making stupid excuses and without insulting them.

Thank you.
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BeershevaBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 4:08 am
I think honesty is the best policy.

"We're more than happy to have your child over at our house and I know my son/daughter really loves to play with your son/daughter. However we hold by a different standard which is why we prefer to have your child play by us rather than our child play by you".

If you don't say your standard is higher/stricter/better, but simply different the other parents may be more willing to accept that.
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entropy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 4:13 am
I think Yesha has the right approach. the less you make it about them and the more you make it about you, the better.

I would even make it more about me: "At this age we still monitor everything our child is exposed to, so while we are happy to have children over we don't let him out of our supervision."
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 4:14 am
Can you just ask the parents, please not to have the kids watch TV?

I would still be a little insulted, even with the "different standards."

My kids go to people's houses and I specify that we keep CY, PY, whatever.
I'll ask about what movies the parents are having the kids watch on a sleepover, etc.

I've had parents ask me no Disney,no barbie etc. I much prefer that than just being told "we have different standards." That way I can decide whether it's worth my trouble to hide all the barbies and keep inviting this kid or just to let it go.
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entropy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 4:21 am
yeah on second thought "different standards" is to much about the other family.

I wouldn't make any demands unless a parent heard you say that you monitor everything and offered to monitor to your standards. then you can tell them your standards, and ask if they are comfortable enforcing them or would prefer send their child over?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 5:39 am
marina wrote:
Can you just ask the parents, please not to have the kids watch TV?


BTDT. And my kids have come home telling me that they watched something. The parents thought something "so innocent" (which one mother told me when I asked her about it) wouldn't matter, yet she didn't bother asking/telling me about it.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 5:50 am
marina wrote:
Can you just ask the parents, please not to have the kids watch TV?

I would still be a little insulted, even with the "different standards."

My kids go to people's houses and I specify that we keep CY, PY, whatever.
I'll ask about what movies the parents are having the kids watch on a sleepover, etc.

I've had parents ask me no Disney,no barbie etc. I much prefer that than just being told "we have different standards." That way I can decide whether it's worth my trouble to hide all the barbies and keep inviting this kid or just to let it go.


That.

Worst thing ever? Letting me buy the most expensive hechsher (parve "glatt" chassidishe etc), for 7 kids, and THEN tell me they can't eat it.
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BinahYeteirah




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 03 2009, 12:36 pm
How can you have a long laundry list of things you don't want your child to do, eat, and look at when they go over to a friend's house?

I can't imagine asking someone to hide half their toys or put away half the books or whatever before my child comes over.

Even if the other parent is amenable to making things good for your child, there are some many misunderstandings that can occur. How do you work through them in a non-offensive manner?

Edited to add: I do let my kids go over to friends who have somewhat different standards than we do. Usually, it is a smallish kashrus thing. The parents know my kids are not allowed to eat x, and it works okay, but even with just that one thing we have had some situations that I was not happy about. I don't think I'd let my kids go to a friend's house if they had TV.
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