Strangers, please don't talk to kids!!

shaqued_almond

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:49 am

So this lady at the bus is starting to sound really creepy the more you describe her. At best she's socially off but maybe she's really is a creep!
I think you should do role playing with your kids and have them indicate to you when the conversation becomes inappropriate. You can have them make a red flag and everytime they get to an inappropriate response they can raise it up.

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:51 am

amother OP wrote:

We need to use our common sense. If a child looks in distress and they may need help, yes, ask the child if they need help. If they say no, then just go on without asking further questions or prying.

Common sense doesn't apply to stranger interactions. You have no idea of the situation - unless you ASK. The kid can be crying because the mother just yelled at him and he ran out of the house. Or the kid can be crying because his friend was just mean to him. You have no prior read of the circumstances, therefore you have no way of using common sense in the situation.

The common sense to such situations is walking over to the crying child and ASKING him/her what's going on. The non-common sense to such a situation is walking away because of the false assumption that adults shouldn't talk to kids who are strangers.

amother

Gold

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:55 am

I have been in a mall saw a crying kid asked if he’s looking for his mom or dad and he said yes I went to front desk and asked them to announce this boy looking for it’s parent. Parents have always been grateful . What about that toddler that made a mad dash for the doors and you stop them parents were grateful. I don’t think it was right for a lady to stop a kid by bus stop and ask about project but all other scenarios you gave you sound like a hypercondriac and need help

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, May 19 2023, 8:58 am

amother OP wrote:

Even if you don't see anything wrong, from the kids perspective, they don't know who's a creep and who's not. So as a precaution, the rule is don't talk to strangers. And I thought most adults know that we don't ask kids for help. Creeps that approach kids, often start with an innocent question like asking for directions or where someone lives...

You're operating with a mindset that all adults are inherently creeps and that children should always fear them. That is what you're teaching your kids, and that will hamper them as they're growing up. You're instilling in them a fear of adults, and they'll lose out in necessary interactions. They'll be afraid to reach out for help, for guidance, and will carry a fear with them even into adulthood.

The approach should rather be to teach them about healthy interactions, and then provide them the tools how to safeguard themselves for the few that are indeed creeps. To give an analogy, you can compare this to crossing the streets. We are supposed to teach our kids how to cross - make sure you have the light, only in the crosswalk, check for cars nonetheless, etc. We are not supposed to teach our kids to never cross the street just because there can be a rogue car ignoring all traffic laws. What you're doing is compared to the latter. The kids need to know how to navigate a world filled with adults. They need to know how to interact with them, and how to play it safe. Telling them never to interact with outside adults is telling them to never cross a street.

Highstrung

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:13 am

amother OP wrote:

We need to use our common sense. If a child looks in distress and they may need help, yes, ask the child if they need help. If they say no, then just go on without asking further questions or prying.

This boy ignored my DH first when he asked if he lived there . That’s when DH came up with the idea of asking if he needs the phone. So if he left the boy stranded after trying not to pry , the boy would have remained lost. Things are not so black and white.

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:14 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

So you ask the child "are you hurt? Do you need help? Are you lost?" If the child says no, you did yours and don't pry further.

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:14 am

Highstrung wrote:

He didn't pry. He asked if he needs help.

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:18 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

This is what I said. If we see a child in distress, we ask if they need help.
We don't just go over to random kids playing outside or waiting for the bus, and strike up small talk conversation with them, and ask them personal questions like their name, where they live....
Common sense is helping children in distress vs just making small talk with children and asking them personal questions just because.

Highstrung

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:20 am

OP, if your child was found wandering on a Chol Hamoed trip lost in a huge amusement park, would you rather everyone ignore your child and let her /him figure it out on their own? Or would you rather an adult try to assist your child in finding you ? I’ve had this happen more than once where a child was searching for their family in a huge crowd and I kept them at my side to help them find them. Often I was on the way with the child to get a staff member to intervene when the child spotted his family. I was always thanked by those families or parents . Never did they say “you should have not spoken to or helped my child”.

Most adults are healthy caring and kind humans. A small percentage are creeps. Very often those creeps know your children and are not even considered strangers to them.

Highstrung

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Sorry . You are sending your children mixed messages in my opinion.

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:24 am

Highstrung wrote:

My kids know that if they're lost, they ask an adult for help. A family, a mother/father with children, a security guard.
If a child looks obviously lost, yes, go ask them if they're lost.
It's not the same as just making small talk with kids playing in front of their house.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:35 am

The overwhelming majority of people who engage in unsafe behavior with children are NOT strangers. Just saying. Your teaching is kinda outdated. You can still teach your kids not to talk to strangers, as long as you arent blind to the actual risks that are way more likely.

amother

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:39 am

amother Chartreuse wrote:

You're right.
But I think that it's just weird and creepy for any adult to ask children personal questions just for the sake of small talk.

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:39 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't think so.
No small talk and personal questions.
Yes if they need help, are lost or hurt.

I'm trying to picture some scenarios. If I would approach a child and ask them which apartment xyz lives in, and that child turns away or responds with 'I don't talk to strangers', I would think that the child is socially challenged.

If I'm in a new park with my kids, and ask another child if they know where the bathroom is, and again the child responds as above, I would think the child is challenged.

Same situation if I find a loose ball on the street and ask a child playing there if he know who this belongs to, and the child responds as above.

Etc.

Adults make up the large part of the world. Teaching kids to not interact with them is detrimental to the child. OP, your mindset is not helping your children. I am curious why you're thinking in the extreme. Did you have a bad experience with this.?

amother

Buttercup

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:42 am

OP I dont believe small talk is unsafe. I believe it is polite and friendly.
I teach my children not to follow strangers anywhere, not to give out ID information, and about unsafe touch.
Telling my kids not to engage in small talk is like telling them not to eat from the bowl of cherries just because there are a few rotten ones in there. Just teach them not to eat the rotten cherries, dont tell them all cherries are bad!

amother

Latte

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:45 am

amother Powderblue wrote:

Someone where I live was and is still doing this and has molested tens of boys. Unfortunately no proof so can't open a police report. But parents, boys, and a rosh yeshiva went down to the station to try and open a file. It's a huge issues.

It’s the easiest for a molester.
The boys are willingly coming into his car. Into the front seat too. I can’t understand how parents can be so clueless.
I’m not talking about parents who teach their kids the danger of it and the kids don’t listen. I’m talking about those who are fine with their son walking into any random car willingly. I just don’t get it.

amother

Whitesmoke

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:47 am

amother OP wrote:

You're right.
But I think that it's just weird and creepy for any adult to ask children personal questions just for the sake of small talk.

What do you consider small talk? Asking for directions is not small talk. Inquiring if a child is ok is not small talk. Asking if a child wants to play together with yours in a park is not small talk.

Small talk is where you'd literally stop to have a pointless conversation with a child. That we agree is something to be wary of and to teach our children to stay away from (with strangers). But asking a question or giving an offhand quick compliment is not small talk. Nor are your other examples in your posts considered to be small talk.

amother

Eggshell

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:49 am

amother OP wrote:

You're right.
But I think that it's just weird and creepy for any adult to ask children personal questions just for the sake of small talk.

So do you agree that if a stranger asks a child - where is Mrs. Goldberg's house - its really totally fine.

Different story of the stranger doesn't leave her car and waves the child over.

bigsis144

Fri, May 19 2023, 9:53 am

amother OP wrote:

You're right.
But I think that it's just weird and creepy for any adult to ask children personal questions just for the sake of small talk.

There’s personal identifying questions like “where do you go to school?” and there’s personal opinions like “what’s your favorite book?”

And then there are individually-directed questions that aren’t actually personal at all, like “which direction to the bathroom?” or “did mussaf start yet?”

—

What do you think of adults asking one another personal information as part of small talk? Unless you only talk about the weather, at some point you will have to share at least a personal opinion, if not personal information.