S/o . Sharing beds at a school shabbaton

amother

Khaki

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 11:16 am

I've definitely shared beds with friends over shabbatons but only because we wanted to and preferred that to sleeping on the floor but my school would never have made that the setup of the sleeping arrangements! HUGE no no in camp there were many people who got in trouble for accidentally (or on purpose) falling asleep on the same bed

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 11:24 am

DDs just out of HS. Sent to 2 different schools.
2quren size beds and a roll away cot. 5 girls.
Nobody is doing anything inappropriate with 5 girls in the room.

FYI, when we go on a family vacation, my girls share a Queen bed as well.

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 11:28 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

Family vacation is totally different. We also have our daughters sharing beds on a family vacation. We even had a niece come with us, and she shared a (double) bed with one DD - they were fine with that.

But a school making that arrangement on behalf of the students is problematic on so many levels - from the perspective of the girl who isn't comfortable with it (and shouldn't be made out to be spoiled/entitled for that), to the student whom no one wants to share a bed with.....it seems wrong to me.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 11:53 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

It seems things have happened in camps, where a lot more than 5 girls share rooms.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 11:58 am

watergirl wrote:

MO high school and NCSY - all the time we shared beds. I worked at a very popular pesach hotel one year and they had 6 girls in one room with 2 beds.

MO and ncsy as well. Never shared beds.

I find this bizarre really. Why the need to stay places where that the only solution?

amother

Ultramarine

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 11:59 am

Dd camp had an overnight in a hotel. They were planning on 2 girls per bed
I told dd that it's inappropriate and to take a sleeping bag so if there's no couch available, she sleeps on floor
That's what she did. Slept on floor Sad

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:10 pm

honeymoon wrote:

I really hope it's not common. Totally inappropriate for teen girls.

When I was in camp we were constantly warned not to share beds ever. A girl who was caught in another girl's bed, even for innocent reasons, was dealt with very harshly.

It's sad because the girls literally don't know what's wrong with it.
We shelter our girls so when they think of a bed they think it's for sleeping.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:12 pm

ive slept with friends before on sem trips.. with separate blankets was so not a big deal.

that being said, there were def girls in my sem who I remember did VERY weird things together. like pushing their beds together and massages.

so I guess it depends on who is sharing lol..

Queen Of Hearts

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:13 pm

Strange that with all the awareness of issues that can come up schools are doing this. Years ago, okay. Now?
One year at camp the director came over to yell at me for doubling up with a friend. I told her she must have mistaken me for another girl because I never ever doubled up.
There were also reports of girls giving each other chills on their bare back.
BH I had no desire to ever be physical with another girl.
But for girls who might have this issue this arrangement is terrible.

amother

Catmint

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:14 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

You'd be surprised. Girls did things in camp with 15-20 girls in the room.

amother

Tuberose

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:20 pm

It would drastically increase the price of hotel school Shabbosses and other Shabbatons to have beds for everyone. For boys, the sharing actually is assur, and I don't know the specifics of how that's arranged buy they don't set it up for sharing for them. And yes, when they do sleep-outs with girls in sleeping nags on the floor somewhere, they are usually closer together. It's very common for girls to sleep on the floor so doing so looks fine.

I also came up through MO and NCSY and this definitely was the norm. My girls are in BY schools now, and it still is. Obviously, if there are no hotel-based Shabboses, you don't have this; in a camp there are enough cots, and in people's houses, one person takes a bed and the rest take the floor- again, often close together.

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:33 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

It's sad because the girls literally don't know what's wrong with it.
We shelter our girls so when they think of a bed they think it's for sleeping.

Yes. It's one thing for us to behind-the-scenes find a solution.

It's a completely different thing to push our own nervousness onto these girls. Punished for something that they have no idea why it's wrong? That's awful.

I wouldn't have thought twice about it as a kid. But we didn't have beds on Shabbatons. We brought sleeping bags. Same thing in camp. Not sure why that's any "safer," but I guess it would make adults feel better about it...

amother

DarkYellow

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:35 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

It's sad because the girls literally don't know what's wrong with it.
We shelter our girls so when they think of a bed they think it's for sleeping.

You'd be surprised at the things some girls know

Queen Of Hearts

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:37 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

Because your dd might be innocent and naive but maybe her bedmate isn't.
Sleeping bags keep them separate.

amother

Fern

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:42 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

It's sad because the girls literally don't know what's wrong with it.
We shelter our girls so when they think of a bed they think it's for sleeping.

I wasn't sheltered. I shared a queen bed on school trips. We slept in the beds.

amother

Yolk

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:43 pm

Yes and I think it’s horrible. The girl that chose me isn’t clean at all and has terrible hygiene and has a terrible smell. I don’t mean to be mean but I didn’t choose her and I wasn’t out with the ppl I chose. She took on bed and I took the other. The other two girls asked if I can go to her bed I said no so they slept on the floor. This was around 11 years ago. I don’t mean to be mean and I’m not mean in general just some things have a limit.
We stayed at a Jewish frum hotel.
The second time she chose me we thank g-d had our own suit lol we got our own beds the small bed attached weren’t used and the mattress on the floor weren’t used

amother

Fern

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:49 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

seems there is a big difference between girls on a twin bed (camp size) vs queen bed with space between.

amother

Hunter

Thu, Nov 02 2023, 12:50 pm

I live in Yerushalayim. I often have seminary girls for Shabbos. Last week I had to call the principal and report on the way the girls were behaving. For context, I doubled my kids up (not in the same beds but on the floor) and gave these 3 girls a room with 2 full size beds and a good mattress on the floor. I knocked on before lighting and 2 of them were in the same bed in a very unsuitable position, don't need to go into details. I kept a close eye on them over Shabbos. There was definitely inappropriate behavior, relationship, big time tznius issues. After Shabbos I asked my rav and he told me to call the principal.

which I did.
They thought I was crazy and imagining things.
If there is a kid who has a temptation in a certain direction, sharing beds is going to bring that out and I wouldn't want my girls sharing beds with friends.

And before anyone asks, I am not going to tell you which seminary or which principal even if you have a daughter in seminary this year. You should speak to your daughters about appropriate behavior and red flags but I will not be mentioning names on a public forum.