bil "calling child abuse y we don't give ds a pacifier&

mamommommy

Fri, May 28 2010, 12:41 pm

Merrymom wrote:

louche wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

A mother should never leave a baby that isn't old enough to be soothed to sleep by someone else. So if you are a working mother but your baby hasn't learned to take a bottle yet or your baby hates pacifiers and will only be soothed by you then you don't leave the baby until the baby is ready.

.

How understanding. How sympathetic. How realistic.
Following your reasoning to its logical conclusion, it's better for a mother to lose her job and her family to starve because she has a clingy baby.

And if a mother has a job that directly affects others, to heck with those others, right? Sorry, Mr. Rubinstein, we'll have to reschedule your cardiac angioplasty because your surgeon's baby won't take a paci. Sorry, tenth grade girls, the class trip is postponed--again--because your teacher's baby is fussy.
Sorry, Mrs. Merrymom, but your homebirth is cancelled and you'll have to go to a hospital because your midwife's baby isn't ready for her to leave.

Right.

Two things:
1- The OP had no dire need to leave her baby, her in-laws wanted to see the baby. Why she couldn't come with her baby or why the in-laws couldn't come to her was never explained.
2-Yes, you don't leave a shrieking baby. I did that once with my first assuming if she got hungry enough she'd take a bottle. It didn't work out that way. When my SILs are planning to go back to work they start getting the baby accustomed to taking a bottle from the very begining. As for why a baby can't come with when you go to most places is something I never understood. A friend of mine is always asking me to watch her baby so she can go shopping with her DH. I don't understand that mentality considering that when my children were newborns they went everywhere with us from shopping to elegant restaurants. When they're that small they're very portable. Obviously this wouldn't work in a job situation but as I said earlier, one prepares for that. You don't just assume that everything will be fine.

Just because you don't understand something doesn't make it wrong. There are many parents who don't agree with your philosophy and they manage to raise beautiful, happy, well-adjusted childern. Just because you feel like you never need a break doesn't mean that everyone else should feel the same way. Try not to be so judgemental and try to see beyond your own personal experience.

Merrymom

Fri, May 28 2010, 12:42 pm

amother wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

louche wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

as I've said before, the baby takes bottles every day for the past 6 months, and is used to being around other people!
and he was not shrieking when my dh dropped him off.
mil and fil are emotionally abusive to me but they are loving to the baby.

OP I understood your situation after the first explanation, this was more to Louche's respnse.

I am still wondering why you didn't go with to the in-laws though.

amother

Fri, May 28 2010, 12:52 pm

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

louche wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

OP I understood your situation after the first explanation, this was more to Louche's respnse.

I am still wondering why you didn't go with to the in-laws though.

trying to avoid a confrontation with FIL MIL and BIL.

life'sgreat

Fri, May 28 2010, 2:58 pm

amother wrote:

I called my mil to wish her a good shabbos. I mentioned to her that the baby should never be left with bil.
I told her that maybe the baby was crying more because he was scared off by bil's yelling.
she said, "oh, bil has been around a lot of babies, and he spent time with the baby, and he's used to babies always having a pacifier. and he says the pacifier is too small and meant for a newborn."
she said this to me when I called her at the end of that night, too.
she also said that she hasn't seen me in so long- three weeks! is that really such a long time not to see a dil?
she has sent me emails in the past "oy vey! I haven't seen the baby in two weeks!" or " I haven't seen the baby in an entire week!"
she constantly wants to see the baby. when she sees him once a week, then she wants to see him twice a week.
when she sees me or comes to my house, she and fil can be very critical and emotionally abusive.
on the other hand, when baby is at their house, now their son is back home (he had been oot for a while).
they have their own opinions on how to take care of the baby, and often disregard what we say.
they can get very argumentative, manipulative, but then they make it sound like we're disrespecting them when we try to implement boundaries.

I think there are a few issues, other than this one time instance.

a. Your mother in law seems to expect you to come or bring the baby way too often. If it doesn't work out for you, don't let her manipulate you into coming or sending him if you don't feel comfortable doing that.
b. If they disregard your parenting style and do things their own way and it isn't something really insignificant, you have to put your foot down, or they risk losing time with their grandchild.
c. You don't want to set a precedent of them getting their grandchild whenever they are in the mood or want to see him. Set boundaries and limits.
d. If they are doing this to you now, they will most likely be emotionally abusive to your children once they are a little older and have minds of their own, try to preempt that by limiting the contact to what you feel comfortable.
e. Where did bil see so many kids if your's is the only grandchild?

amother

Fri, May 28 2010, 4:23 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

amother wrote:

my mil constantly wants to come to us. if she can't reach us or we ask her not to, she sometimes shows up unexpectedly. sometimes she says she just happened to be in the neighborhood, or she intentionally came for whatever reason. she bangs on the doors. if we don't answer, she sometimes walks around the house knocking/banging on all the windows to try to get our attention and also to check if the lights are on in any rooms to see if we're home.
there was a time in the beginning of my marriage when my fil showed up on a sundary morning when we were in bed. we were living in a basement apt. at the time. we heard someone knocking on our bedroom window (I really hope that he was not looking in at us!). my dh went to take out the garbage and check who's there.
after dh left the door unlocked and went around the house, fil came from the other side of the house, and finding the door unlocked (dh stepped out for a min), fil just walked into our apt without our knowledge, and not just to the front room-he walked past another closed door, to the back, where I was standing between the bedroom and bathroom, in a robe with my hair uncovered- he saw me, laughed, said good morning, and continued walking right past me to the next room in the back of the apt! he wanted to check whether we had a certain picture of his family hanging on our wall, because he wanted us to keep it there. yes, it was there.
there have been times when he showed up and banged on the door. he gets very offended if we don't let him in, he says that we should respect him and do hachnosas orchim. and even if he sees that he surprised me and I'm not dressed, he tells me to leave the room and get dressed and he stays in my apt.
another time he was outside watching to see who was in the house when we got a delivery he saw my dh answered the door so he came in. then my dh left and I was about to eat. he had already eaten. I wanted some privacy while I eat, but fil just sat there and watched me eat (he wouldn't go to the other room) and he was waiting for baby to wake up so he can see him. I think he was watching the house because he might have wanted to find out who babysits. when they can't get through to me, they call my mother and ask her questions about me, where I am, what I'm doing, where dh is, what he's doing, etc.
another time he came when I was home alone and I had to leave to an appt, but I didn't know how to get him out of my house. he gets very offended if I ask him to leave, and he wants to know where I'm going, and he follows me.
one time he got into a car and refused to leave. I was going to a private appt. my mother had to come and tell him to leave the car because I was going to an ob/gyn. he didn't leave the car right away, but eventually he did. he was offended. he gets very offended. they don't understand the concept of privacy and they want to know everything and they're angry why I have secrets (like when I didn't want to tell him that I'm going to the ob/gyn).
they try to get info about us from other people. other ppl think that they're just a harmless old couple.
when dh was in school, his father would show up at his school every day during lunchtime.
he also often showed up at his workplace.
fil is elderly yrs old now, so he's not as active as he used to be. but he can still yell and threaten and follow us and talk to ppl about us etc.
one time when we moved and we didn't give out our address right away, he got our address from the man working at a grocery where he saw us shopping. he then went to the apt building and played with the combination lock downstairs until he figured out the combination to get in to the building.
whatever we do, they want more. they would prefer if they could always call us, come by, know where we are, answer all their questions.
they can sometimes be very offensive.
it's hard to set boundaries and limit contact when they are so persistent, and they approach other people and make it sound like we are unreasonable. they call dh's chavrusa and co-workers to get information about dh and to complain about us.
at a time when he knew I was not pregnant, he said that I look pregnant because I have a big stomach.
he brought me a book about doing post-natal exercises to loose the stomach.
when I had a pimple on my face, he asked me what it was and said I should go to a doctor to surgically remove it (a pimple!). when he saw my hair, (by walking in on me!) he said that it looks ugly because it's not blond.
fil often speaks badly about mil to dh. this means he speaks badly to my husband about his mother.
he also speaks badly to my husband about me.
I am most concerned that he will talk badly to my baby about me, when my baby gets older and can talk and understand.
my fil told my father that all of my father's learning is meaningless, because the shiurim are in english and the learning is in english, and fil thinks that learning is only meaningful if it's in hebrew or yiddish.
I have to go, but maybe I'll write more in another post. I hope it's safe for me to be writing all of this on this website. I hope it won't cause any bad.