I seriously need HELP!!! I feel like running away.

amother

Sun, Sep 19 2010, 9:03 pm

I have a 6 yo ds who has always been an extremely difficult child. But, he goes through stages. Sometimes he can be sooo good but when he is going thru a bad stage he is literally impossible to deal with. He does not listen to a word me or dh says. He throws tantrums whenever something doesnt go his way. He can be completely obnoxious and chutzpadik. I try so hard to not yell at him, to spend some alone time with him etc. but nothing helps.
I'll give a few examples so you can get an idea of how hard my days are.
Tonight at supper, my mother in law was over, and he picked his nose and purposely wiped it on her because he thought it was funny!! Then he got a tissue to blow his nose and threw the tissue on her!
We were at the park today and I got the kids ice cream from the ice cream truck. But one is not enough for him. He threw a tantrum when I wouldn't get him another one!! My other ds was perfectly happy with his ice cream and did not demand to have another.
In the morning, he woke up late and he needed to get ready for school. He wanted to watch a video but I told him he needs to wash neigel vaasar, brush his teeth, get dressed etc. He threw a 20 min tantrum and told me - Ma, you know sometimes you make me sick Sad

I literally feel like crying at the end of every single day when he acts like this. Actually, many times I do. I have the urge to slap him in the face when he does these completely obnoxious things. I dont, but I feel like he needs a good spanking sometimes. I know this is not normal, but I am literally at my wits end. I have tried EVERYTHING but even if it improves for a while it always comes back. I feel like running away because of him. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me.

chayamiriam

Sun, Sep 19 2010, 9:24 pm

Guess What! These behaviors are very normal for 6 year old boys. Don't take everything he does so seriously. He probobly does a lot of these things for attention. These kind of kids can grow up to be the nicest adults. His behavior now has no reflection on the adult he will grow up to be. I think if you can try to remember that you won't get so upset. Try ignoring bad behavior and just walking away when you have had too much. Hitting him will not help at all, you will just have to hit him harder as his behavior gets worse. If you can't ignore him try positive rewards for the little things he does well and just walk away when you can't deal with the rest. Try to remember this too shall pass and soon it will all be forgotten. So he picked his nose and threw the tissue at his grandmother if he saw a big reaction from you he will only do it again to get a bigger reaction. Ignoring bad behavior works just try to leave the room when he is acting that way. Good luck children are not easy but somehow they grow up to be mostly nice adults!!!

amother

Sun, Sep 19 2010, 10:23 pm

amother wrote:

You could have been describing my 6 year old! My hope & prayer is that he'll outgrow these "meshugassin" just like everyone else - and that I'll still be sane at that point in time!

The funny thing is, that as badly as he can treat anyone, he's the most sensitive if you say anything negative to him! Hopefully that will help his realize what others feel like when he says hurtful things to them.

Kayza

Sun, Sep 19 2010, 10:36 pm

Have you had him evaluated?

Till then, when he is going through a phase, try not to take him out. At home, when he acts up or throws a tantrum, he goes to his room and stays there till he calms down. This is not about you but about him, and he needs to learn that he simply cannot do what he wants because he wants to / thinks it's funny etc.

I mentioned the book Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D. It's a very good starting place.

Kayza

Sun, Sep 19 2010, 10:40 pm

chayamiriam wrote:

Guess What! These behaviors are very normal for 6 year old boys.

No, they are not.

Quote:

Try ignoring bad behavior and just walking away when you have had too much.

Quote:

Try to remember this too shall pass and soon it will all be forgotten.

These two statements are mutually exclusive. This behavior will absolutely NOT improve if it is not dealt with now. That is reality.

Allowing a child who old enough to know better (and at 6 years old, he IS old enough) to be ferociously rude does NOT work, and does NOT lead to a healthy, much less "nice" adulthood.

amother

Sun, Sep 19 2010, 11:48 pm

OP, I have a challenging 7 yr old boy. A lot of what you said resonated with me. I bought a book called "The Explosive Child," which explained a lot of my son's behavior and might explain your son's behavior too. My kid would basically explode in rage when he couldn't get his way, or if his siblings bothered him too much. The author of the book says that these kids have trouble with flexibility, it's a neurological thing with them and that's why they go crazy when they can't have their way, or balk at getting dressed/washing negel vasser after having all that video-time, etc. The main thing is, DON'T THINK YOUR SON IS A BRAT. Also, a lot of normal, firm, loving disciplinary techniques will not work with these kinds of children. Remember, there's something neurological happening that is making your son not be as flexible as you might wish him to be. Google the book I suggested, and good luck to you. And if you still want to run away, I'll buy the drinks. Cheers

marina

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 12:19 am

I have that book too, The Explosive Child.
I thought it was quite good when I read it, but in practice, the ideas did not work that well.

Basically the author teaches Collaborative Problem Solving, meaning that he wants you to present the problem to the child and have the child come up with some ideas and you come up with some ideas and eventually, you find something that works. The author argues that explosiveness is a result of inflexibility, so you have to find some way to be flexible and also to teach flexibility.

It will certainly work for some children, but I doubt that it will work for those kids who know how to play their parents well.

Shalshelet

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 12:46 am

Have you read "The Delicate Balance" by Radcliff? I don't know if you've tried, but it could be that he's looking for attention from you - perhaps you haven't been giving him enough attention, or the attention that he is really looking for? I would recommend making a big deal when he does what you want him to do (and you may need to be more aware of when he is doing good things too) and make a little deal (calmly and to the point) when he doesn't - and then drop it. He should eventually get the message that when he misbehaves he doesn't get attention from you, but when he does the right thing, he gets lots of good attention. HTH.

26teach

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 1:10 am

Omg let's run away all together! :l let's unite mothers of defiant children!
I am in the same situation as you. I actually came on imamother to get advice. But then I saw your post. I am so glad I am not the only one. So by me my son is almost 6 and he is having the same problems. The dr. Thinks he has add and he needs Ritalin. But I don't think it's true. I feel lost. Some people say it's totally normal and you just have to ignore it and he will grow out of this phase others saying he is totally crazy and he needs help asap.
I wish I can help you but I am in the same boat as you!
May we both find help and answers soon!

amother

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 1:25 am

My difficult 6 year old is now a difficult teenager, despite all our efforts. I don't mean to depress you but some kids are just more oppositional and defiant.

Don't ignore the bad behavior. Sometimes if they see they can get away with something, they escalate.
Don't give in. Don't buy the second ice cream. If the temper tantrum is screaming, laying on the floor and kicking his feet, let it be. If the temper tantrum involves throwing everything that's not nailed down, confine him in a safe place. Be firm. Don't give in. Yes, it's incredibly difficult. Of course, mention his good behavior whenever possible.

I would also suggest an evaluation to rule out anything unusual. Has he always been this way? How is he in school?

I found the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" very helpful.

Tamiri

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 2:42 am

Op, I commiserate. A lot of work goes into producing lovely adults. My first suggestion is: don't compare him to his sib/lings, which you did in your post. He's unique. This behavior is neither normal nor acceptable. Chances are it will get better; chances are it won't. In order to determain whether your son needs help, and whether you too can benefit from help, it's imperative you turn to a child professional (aka therapist, psychologist) and have him evaluated, as mentioned by a previous poster. Some things are just too big for a parent to handle on his/her/their own and that's when a professional can be a major help.
Good luck. Remember: most people in the world turn out just fine and live normative lives. The derech to get there can be hair-raising for the parents, but it's our job, above everything else, to give it our all. That's what chinuch is all about.

shalhevet

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 3:18 am

Please - those with children with unusually bad behaviour, get them evaluated. Don't just ignore it and put it down to bad parenting - often these children need help, and it can make all the difference. Especially if you have other children who behave "normally", it is probably not your bad parenting skills. If a child has a physical or psychological or neurological problem it won't help even if you are the best parent in the world.

Brown

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 3:19 am

I've been considering venting here too. Know that you're not alone. Most of my kids have adhd with combinations of other stuff. (The most difficult is with sensory disorders). But the doctor says no ritalin cause they're bli ayin hara, great in school and extremly charismatic (my father-in-law says my kids are all stamped with the chevraman and independant stamp). HOWEVER OUR BUILDING SHAKES FROM MY KIDS ANTICS AND FIGHTS! I've had to call neighbors and friend's husband to calm them down. The doctor say I must be wrecked at the end of day but the kids need activities like horse riding, and gymnastics. I think either they need meds while at home or I need valium.

mandksima

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 4:35 am

Yes, I agree, please get your child evaluated. It is a great pity to blame your own parenting skills when your child has a diagnosed problem that prevents good typical behavior and breeds defiant behavior. I have wanted to run away plenty but I remind myself that if Hashem gave me such a special child, then He must think I am special enough too to have been given the job of being my child's parent. I hope I have done an okay job because I'm well past my limit. I hope my child can become a wonderful adult, I do think it is possible. Therapy is essential for my children (I have more than one with serious issues) as well as guidance for us, the parents. I know I am a great mom but everyone needs a set of eyes from outside the situation to give a clear focus and alternate reactions. It is amazing when a therapist picks up on something that I just couldn't see, I feel so blessed to have the proper help.

I absolutely hate it when other parents think they could parent my kid any better than myself. They don't know the half of it. Some kids are naturally docile and other kids have such sensory, neurological, mental issues that their life is unbearable and they act out accordingly. Some have no social tact and it is nearly impossible to teach it to a defiant child. Oppositional Defiance Disorder is something real but there are ways of helping children like these. Sensory disorders can also be treated.

OP, without a diagnosis, it is impossible to say whether you, as a parent, could use advice in parenting better or your child needs medication and/or guidance and nothing you do until then will help. Even with help, expect a child like that to embarrass you in public so either don't leave the house or decide that you will love this child unconditionally and give it everything you've got to make it work. It is harder than working on a marriage in many ways, especially, because YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE.

amother

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 8:03 am

I'm the 11:48 pm mother who recommended "The explosive Child." My son was evaluated and told he has ADHD. But he probably has oppositional defiance disorder too, we can check off practically everything off of that list. The therapist said defiance is very common with ADHD. I find I try to give in as much as I can. Not to a second ice cream, or things like that, but if he wants to wear mismatched clothes that make me feel mortified to be in public with him, I live with the mortification. The author of the book says to try and head off explosions at the pass. I stand my ground when I need to, but let other things go as much as I can. You don't want protein with dinner? Fine. You don't feel like brushing your teeth tonight? Whatever.

amother

Mon, Sep 20 2010, 8:05 am

Brown wrote:

Yep. My kids too. I have been afraid CPS would be called on us for their injuries that they inflicted on EACH OTHER. I am kind of relieved to know I am not the only mother in this rollicking boat. AT the end of the day sometimes I feel like I've been through the wringer!!!