Do You Potch?! For Mothers of Children Ages 6-11 ONLY!

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 11:21 pm

I am a middle child in a large family. My parents potched their older children (all boys). Decades later, my father says that he deeply regrets having done so. He never raised a finger to my younger brothers and they have grown up to be truly outstanding people. Some of my older brothers have struggled in life. One even served time in prison for fraud. I know that this is completely anecdotal evidence, yet I feel strongly that any form of physical punishment is detrimental to a child.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jul 08 2015, 11:37 pm

only have a 2 year old boy (a wild one!) and would never potch. its so horrible!and humiliating. my husband was potched all the time for hurtinghis brother etc and was really scared of his father when he crossed a line,but now says it was totally good for him and he agrees withit. there are definitely kids who deserve a good smack but not my baby!
btw smacking 13 year old is totally ridiculous. especially a girl. what has she done that is so bad?!

amother

Oak

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 5:40 am

Leora2 wrote:

They get potched over their clothes and only ever with our hands. Potches are only ever given on the tush and nobody's ever been bruised. There's tears for a few minutes and then it's done. 5 swats is not overkill. It gets the message across - they never need to get potched a second time for the same behavior unlike friends who get potched with a little swat over and over with no results except to hurt the relationships. My and my DH's relationships with our kids are strong and healthy. Potching is rare and so really makes an impression when it has to happen. My 13 year old certainly does not like getting potched but she hasn't been in over a year and she tells us she would rather get a potch then lose privileges or be grounded - though she thinks "getting potched" sounds babyish. Rolling Eyes

Most of her friends still get potched as well and her best friend gets potched over underpants only, which we would not consider doing ever. When used rarely and only in specific situations with clear rules and expectations, potching works.

I find this horrifying. This is so so wrong. A slap on the wrist toa younger child who did something dangerous and can't be reasoned with is about the only time a potch might be needed. But to a 12 year old girl on her behind? How humiliating!! How offensive! Dreadful.

amother

Oak

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 5:44 am

Leora2 wrote:

As I said, my 13 year old hasn't been spanked in a year, but when she gets in trouble for something, she prefers to be potched then grounded. We generally have made up our minds and don't change our minds, but it is her preference. My dh does not potch her anymore - not since she was 10 or so.

And panmom, I'm a mandated reporter and have been for years. I've made more reports then I can count. This would go nowhere. This is not abuse.

This is an invidious choice. She is choosing to be humiliated/degraded instead of a longer punishment. You are teaching her not only that violence is OK to put someone in their place, but also that it is good for her to be submissive and allow abhorrent things to be done to her. Even if this is not physical abuse as you say, it most certainly is emotional abuse.

Lizzie4

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 6:53 am

Leora2 wrote:

I potch. I have a 13 year old daughter and ten year old son (and eight year old son and 6 year old daughter) and they get potched when they need it. My kids get one warning, then a loss of privilege or a time out. If the behavior happens again, DH or I take them to their room for privacy and potch on the tush five times, hard. After getting potched, they get a time out in their room to calm down. We also potch if they get into trouble at school, same procedure. The kids know the rules and expectations, and we only have to potch maybe 4-5 times a year total. My 13 year old hasn't been potched in more then a year and my ten year old hasn't been potched in years. They both know that if they need it, DH or I will still potch them, though DH no longer potches our 13 year old daughter. Most of their friends' parents have similar rules.

I may not agree with this system but I appreciate that they have a system. It bothers me more than anything when parents make empty threats or don't follow through because they don't have the time, energy or patience. Kids are the first to notice inconsistencies.

amother

Orange

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 7:09 am

my husabd and I were both smacked as kids (husband often with the slipper or strap which is obviously a bit much!) and husband always said he would spank if needed. hes very calm person and if necessary (3-4 times a yr maybe ) after multiple warnings over repeat infractions he takes the child calmly into his study and spanks. he knows I dont like it much but it does work for us. our kids range from age 4-18. over age 10 or so he stops spanking. my older ones have no ill feelings toward him over the various spankings they got as kids and ppl tell us all the time how well behaved our kids r...and no they r not scared of us. my husband isnt shy to say to our friends he spanks...although im a bit embarrassed bc ppl r so judgemental about this.
he tumbles on the floor and tickles them and is amazing with them...but they know if they cross a certian line they will be taken into his study. he does this calmly and in a composed way

PAMOM

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 7:30 am

Leora, Pennsylvania has very strict abuse laws after the Sandusky affair. We just went through new training. A 12-year-old girl being hit by her father would be investigated in my state. I'm not saying she would be (or should be) removed from the family. However, if the system worked, you and your husband would need to take a class on parenting techniques. The friend's father, according to the experts, could be charged with zxual abuse.

chani8

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 7:48 am

Chayalle wrote:

I do not potch (DD's are 9 and 12). I will say - I do not have boys. Also - once when my girls were behaving particularly badly, I told them they should consider themselves potched. It worked.

I also do not potch. And I've also said the same thing. Wink

I'm an ex-potcher. I stopped potching when my oldest was 5.

I wish I could say I stopped potching because of what it does to children, but really, I stopped potching because of what it did to me. I looked like, to me and probably to my children, like a big, ugly, mean, scary monster. Though I've seen other mothers who look less ugly but more like highly controlled emotionless robots when they potch.

What do you look like when you potch?

I also stopped potching, not because of the damage it causes to children's central nervous systems, but because of what it did to mine. The adrenaline rush, the effort it took to potch with control, and how long it took to calm down, were all too painful. And the guilt afterward hurt a lot, too.

So, it just wasn't worth it to me. I like the laid back mother I am now. Ture, sometimes my kids are loud, messy, misbehaving, rude, whatever, but they're happy and relaxed.

Not growing up with violence is good for a child. In fact, as I told one adult child who wanted to discuss potching, the people who potch most are more likely from low socioeconomic communities. Rarely do rich people potch. I told my child, if you want to raise kids who will become rich one day, don't potch them. Wink

Ruchel

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 9:47 am

All cultural.
In my planet, people potch (though more slaps than hitting the hand for an older kid) and rabbis either ignore or speak in favour of (calm) physical punishment.
For me, if it works you rarely have to repeat. If you have to do it again and again, try something else, because doing things the same and expecting another result is a sign of madness :p
I think abused posters react the most strongly to those posts because they imagine it being what they c'v went through. My lax, adoring parents would have been abusers, in their book.
I suggest everyone looks at their own kids and see if they are abused and how to raise them positively.

Last thing, those threads rarely end without bash Wink

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 11:14 am

Leora2 wrote:

I have a daughter the same age. I can't imagine violating her body that way. This is abusive. If everyone does it, they are all abusive.

Rolling Eyes

is also abusive.

shock

Sorry.

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 11:21 am

chani8 wrote:

I also do not potch. And I've also said the same thing. Wink

Well said. This needed another like!

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 11:57 am

wow I definitely do not agree with Leora2 for doing what she is doing to a 13 year old and ten year old,but at the same time I dont think spanking your kids is abuse!!! its definitely old fashioned and not as in style as time outs (which are garbage! they totally dont work!), but parents have a right to physically discipline. how many of us grew up in families where some got potched by our fathers etc when we crossed a line. almost everyone in my generation (in mid 20s)(especially those with several children at home) got potches. a few slaps that really keep mostly boys in line when they get too wild or chutzpadik.
I personally do not want to slap my kids mainly because I believe a mother should be loving and calm and not scary and also because I have a very bad temper and do not trust myself to go there, but there is absolutely nothing wrong to me if my husband will potch our kids once in a while. he is a very calm person and an amazing father. a potch shouldnt be a screaming match with wild slapd,it should be something like "Dovid, come here I need to speak withyou." Take Dovid to your study or a closed room and say "you did x after I warned you to stop. I am going to have to potch you." and. give them a few potches on their backside, not to hurt, but for effect.
It works. theres absolutely no abuse involved inthat.
kids need the fear of their father potching them thats what makes the difference between a yucky bratty child and a well behaved, respectful one. I can always spot out the kids who were never potched.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 1:08 pm

amother wrote:

thats what makes the difference between a yucky bratty child and a well behaved, respectful one. I can always spot out the kids who were never potched.

Seriously? Since it seems like you either do not have children yet or they are still very young, I suggest you please google "Research studies spanking". Spend some time getting properly informed. And read my post upthread.
Your insinuation that you can identify kids who aren't potched is absolutely preposterous! My parents never touched any of us girls and we were all little angels (think valedictorian, G.O.). When my younger brothers (they are of "your generation") turned 18, my parents were inundated with suggestions and were literally unable to handle the torrent of shidduchim. They are exceptional people, the type of well-rounded boy everyone hopes their daughter will marry. Perhaps because they were never potched.