Do You Potch?! For Mothers of Children Ages 6-11 ONLY!

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 1:23 pm

There's a world of a difference between a slap on the wrist in times of danger on a 2 1/2 year old...and taking a 13 year old into a room and slapping her 5 times on the butt.

And for that matter....one slap on the wrist is sufficient for a 2 year old....no need to up that to 5.

By age 10, communication as discipline replaced just about everything else. Kids who have a solid relationship with their parents do not need other forms of discipline by that age - a conversation is good enough. They don't want to hurt or disappoint their parents. End.

I'll say children are different...my kids have different personalities. My own experience has been that the child that pushed boundaries the MOST...is the one that needed limits set that involved lots of consistency...but I can't imagine what she'd be like if we would've used physical force (like potching) with her. In reality, she's such a sensitive soul - good as gold inside, but tough as nails outside. Potching would've hurt her on the inside. B"H as she matures her inside has remained intact and loved, and she behaves herself because we expect it of her and she expects it of herself.

For the poster who said time-out doesn't work...we can agree to disagree. Time outs were very effective with my child, though as with all forms of discipline, anything overused doesn't work. But for those times where she absolutely needed a time-out, it was absolutely effective.

pickle321

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 2:01 pm

Potching is a cop out, it means you don't know how to handle your child's bad behavior and don't have patience to work to modify the behavior in positive ways and just want an easy fix. Slap em and that'll teach em, no need to actually be mechanech your children and teach them right from wrong just hit them and they'll never do it again. And seriously leora?!! Hitting a 13 year old?? On her butt??? How humiliating and degrading, do u have no respect for your daughter?? And as you said you hit hard??? 5 times??! And you don't think that's abuse?? You are messing up your kids

Gitch

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 2:04 pm

My husband and I were both potched as kids, and would never use it as a behavior modification method for our kids. I have definitely felt that I wanted to potch, but I control myself and don't do it. Having said that, I can't understand when people say not to hit out of anger. Once you get past the anger, why hit at all? Do you think that is the most effective way to deal with the situation? You can't think of anything else more appropriate?

What helps me control myself, is realizing that anger is my motivation and therefore the problem is mine. Meaning, what is getting me upset is that my kid isn't listening to ME, disobeying ME, undermining ME. I have to get past what my child is doing to my ego, and deal with the situation. I might have to take deep breaths, leave the room, or send child out of the room. Then I can deal with what happened. Because I bh have a good, respectful relationship with my kids, we can solve it in an appropriate manner.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 4:39 pm

Potching once in a rare while for behaviors that really crossed a line ( I.e. walking home from school when they know they are not allowed to and no one knew where they were,telling a parent shut up, throwing a sibling down the steps etc.- things that are major and need to be dealt with very firmly) in a very calm, controlled manner is not a cop out. time out does not instill fear in a child and sometimes, once in a rare while, a child did something really bad, and they should be fearful of doing that again! they shoud. always feel safe and loved but they should know if a certainline is crossed and they ate warned, there will be severe consenquences. it is a discipline method that is teaching a child tthere is an authority and they cannot cross a certain line. they are kids and you are the parent. it is not an assault to teach them that by force, when needed. on the other hand, potching wildly at bedtimes and yelling and handing out smacks because ur kids are wild and getting on your nerves etc. that is a cop out! I hate when people say its abuse or its bad parenting. it is absolutely not when used in a calm way. dont confuse the two because they are totally different. ppl seem to have a very one dimensional view of corporal punishment.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 5:15 pm

Gitch wrote:

Why hit if not out of anger?

1) I hit for danger. Running in the street, touching the stove. I am not angry, I am teaching my child that these things are REALLY not okay.

2) one other situation where I hit. My little one was throwing things at people and it was out of control. I won't go into details of what happened in a few situations. I tried everything to stop it. Nothing was working. Finally I told him, "throwing is dangerous and it hurts people, if you throw again you will get a smack. Mommy loves you, and does not want to hit you, but maybe it will help you remember. The next few times he threw I reminded him why he needed to get a porch. Then I calmly hit him. Within a week he stopped throwing things at people. I don't believe in hitting in general, but I also don't believe in any extremes. There is a time and place for everything.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 5:38 pm

Gitch wrote:

I respectfully disagree. I don't look at not hitting ever as an extreme position. It is a non negotiable that I will never do. There is always another alternative.

In your opinion.

Saying there is always another alternative is an extreme in itself. You are unwilling to admit that there is a possible situation you nothing about. There is no way for you to make a judgement on that because you have not parented every child or been in every situation. Saying never or saying always is an extreme.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 6:04 pm

mommy2b2c wrote:

I've raised seven with the commitment that I would never hit and I never did. For many of us not hitting is a way of life.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 6:13 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

I've raised seven with the commitment that I would never hit and I never did. For many of us not hitting is a way of life.

And that is wonderful if that worked for you and your children. However, you can't say there is always another way regarding MY children because you are not raising them. It's highly possible that you raised children that always responded to other options. I certainly believe that hitting should be a last resort and should be rare. It's possible, your children always responded before it was necessary to resort to the last option. My son can be a danger to himself and to others. I cannot work on certain behaviors for a half a year till they change. Sometimes I need the behavior to stop within a week. You can read my post above for an example. As an aside, my children get hit once every year or two. Now that they are older, even less.
I also never believe in hitting in an anger.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 6:27 pm

mommy2b2c wrote:

Whoa... slow down. I haven't given you ANY parental advice. Don't put words in my mouth. I have spoken to my experience.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Jul 09 2015, 6:56 pm

After witnessing my father hitting my teen brother because he teased me, Watching it escalate from hitting with his hand to hitting with a broomstick, until my brother was crouched on all fours with tears streaming down his face, reduced to a red-faced, haunted creature with dead eyes begging for mercy, I swore to never ever ever justify hitting my children. Never.

My father didn't hit too often btw. But when he did it escalated to catastrophic levels.

Miri7

Fri, Jul 10 2015, 3:10 am

No. Never. I was raised to believe that hitting children is abusive.

Calling it a "potch" doesn't change the fact that it's hitting.

Any hitting that's intended as discipline is too hard.

If you feel like hitting is your only option you need to leave the room and calm down. A child should never fear physical violence from a parent.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Jul 10 2015, 8:06 am

observer wrote:

Of course every child is different. But some of us made a conscious decision that hitting is a line we won't cross. That's not extreme to say 'never'. Everyone has lines they won't cross. Non-potchers just draw their line in a different place than potchers.

It's not extreme to say never for your own children. It is extreme to say there has never been a situation and never will be a situation where hitting can be part of appropriate parenting. I was actually the first to say that hitting the thirteen year old is definitely emotional abuse. I think hitting in anger is disgusting and can be abusive. I think parents that hit as a general punishment is wrong. I think if your kids are getting hit by you frequently there is something wrong.

I also think, that if you hit your children for running in the street, and someone tells you that there is ALWAYS another way, then they are wrong. With some children in some situations there is not another way, or at least not another way that is sufficient. I can't take six months to teach my 2 year old that he can't run in the street. He might be hit by a car by then. Since he was never hit in his life, the snack on his hand is shock enough to teach him that running in the street is never okay.

nywife

Fri, Jul 10 2015, 4:10 pm

This is one of the most disturbing threads I've read on this site. Leora, I highly encourage you to reevaluate your parenting techniques.
I can recall getting hit as a child (on the behind and slapped across the face) by my out-of-control angry mother. Let me tell you, as a child she may laugh and say it doesn't bother her. BUT IT DOES and IT WILL CONTINUE TO.
I'm so horrified that you think this is ok.