DH losing his job, friend had still birth what a day

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Forum -> Announcements & Mazel Tovs -> Tehillim Needed

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Chana Miriam S

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 7:49 am

maidale wrote:

When you daven for someone who is not alive anymore, you usually use the fathers name.

New to this davening for people thing. I don't know his hebrew name. does anyone else who knows them? Can we use english?

amother

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 8:34 am

Maybe I'm ignorant but I thought a child who is stillborn goes straight to gan eden and does not need an aliya? I thought these neshamos go straight to the kisei hakavod?? Maybe daven for the parents of the child, they need the strength...

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 8:40 am

Olam Haba is infinite. A neshama in gan eden still benefits from aliyos to the neshama. An aliyah isn't to take the neshama out of gehennom and bring it to gan eden, but to make it closer and closer to the ziv of Hashem's shechina.

My heart is breaking for the family. May they have a nechama.

And my thoughts and prayers are with you too, chanamiriam, (and amother) that your families find parnasa soon.

Marion

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 9:27 am

chanamiriam wrote:

Marion wrote:

I wondered if it was a "mutual friend" when I saw the thread title. Sigh. Already davening.

No doubt there are more people than one who that happened to yesterday, but if you look at the Hebrew name, no doubt you will be able to tell if they are the same. Besorot tovot.

I knew when you posted the name. I've known them for a very, very long time.

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 9:27 am

amother wrote:

Did not know that. Darn BT׳s

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 9:29 am

Marion wrote:

chanamiriam wrote:

Marion wrote:

I wondered if it was a "mutual friend" when I saw the thread title. Sigh. Already davening.

No doubt there are more people than one who that happened to yesterday, but if you look at the Hebrew name, no doubt you will be able to tell if they are the same. Besorot tovot.

I knew when you posted the name. I've known them for a very, very long time.

Are you in Toronto? I am sure we know lots of ppl in common.

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 9:31 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

Thank u for this. I thought maybe I had done something terribly wrong in suggesting it.

amother

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 10:14 am

chanamiriam wrote:

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

Thank u for this. I thought maybe I had done something terribly wrong in suggesting it.

Thank you. I'm the above amother who wondered if I was ignorant. I'm sorry chanamiriam for making you feel that way!

Marion

Wed, Mar 02 2011, 9:53 pm

chanamiriam wrote:

Marion wrote:

chanamiriam wrote:

Marion wrote:

I wondered if it was a "mutual friend" when I saw the thread title. Sigh. Already davening.

No doubt there are more people than one who that happened to yesterday, but if you look at the Hebrew name, no doubt you will be able to tell if they are the same. Besorot tovot.

I knew when you posted the name. I've known them for a very, very long time.

Are you in Toronto? I am sure we know lots of ppl in common.

I am no longer in Toronto; been in Israel for 8 years now. But I've known the parents since we were all teenagers.

natmichal

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 12:56 am

Marion wrote:

chanamiriam wrote:

Marion wrote:

chanamiriam wrote:

Marion wrote:

I wondered if it was a "mutual friend" when I saw the thread title. Sigh. Already davening.

No doubt there are more people than one who that happened to yesterday, but if you look at the Hebrew name, no doubt you will be able to tell if they are the same. Besorot tovot.

I knew when you posted the name. I've known them for a very, very long time.

Are you in Toronto? I am sure we know lots of ppl in common.

I am no longer in Toronto; been in Israel for 8 years now. But I've known the parents since we were all teenagers.

The mother is a friend of dh (back from childhood), so I followed up the pregnancy and heard about the loss. Turned my stomach. Hope they'll get nechama quickly.

Marion- I wonder if you know my dh's family.... ditto chanamiriam, and I hope parnasa will find it's way back to your family quickly

Marion

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 1:28 am

If anyone wants to PM me...I hope to go tomorrow morning for a quick visit. (B"H for my crock pot!) She really wants not to be physically alone right now from what I understand. If you have a message for her I'd be happy to pass it along.

BeershevaBubby

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 1:38 am

Chanamiriam, I know them personally.

shalhevet

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 3:34 am

amother wrote:

I heard this too - and about children under a year old that they don't need any tikkun at all. There is no kaddish or anything. I think you are right amother.

marina

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 5:31 am

Marion wrote:

I am really, really worried about her, based on what she wrote. Please let us know how she is doing.

Chana Miriam S

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 6:30 am

I talked to her on the phone last night and she sounds like she has the right attitude. one day, one minute at a time. she is very appreciative of visits and calls. pm me if you want to contact her and I will pass onher number.

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 6:45 am

shalhevet wrote:

amother wrote:

I heard this too - and about children under a year old that they don't need any tikkun at all. There is no kaddish or anything. I think you are right amother.

I didn't think of it from this aspect. The under 1 thing.

amother

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 6:51 am

Yes, children who are stillborn don't have a yahrtzeit or anything like that. Speaking from experience.

PinkFridge

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 7:37 am

Chana Miriam, any sincere, well thought out and intended act taken on behalf of others is never "wrong". Unnecessary? Maybe but Hashem will direct the tefillos for where they will do the most good. And may you see great yeshuos, and incredible hashgacha, much sooner rather than later.

And amother, who knows from experience, this may make sense, let me know if I'm all wet. But a woman (and her husband) who has a stillbirth needs all sorts of support, not just the meals while she's recuperating but the moral support, for the mourning that doesn't have guidelines, as the niftar's neshama doesn't need the benefits that aveilus brings. But that leaves those left behind in such a situation - there is a need to mourn in some sort of framework. And compound this with the hormonal havoc while the mother comes to hormonal stasis. For starters.

amother

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 8:17 am

also from experience.... Here's a list of some do's and don'ts that I came across after my stillbirth, can't remember but maybe even right here on imamother. In case you are going to call or visit this person-

* Do call, or send a card, or a bouquet of flowers, to let her know that you are sorry for the pain she is experiencing.
* Do tell her that although you can't fathom her pain, you are thinking about her, and know that she is in pain.
* Do send over supper, chocolates, a snack, or a Shabbos meal. It warms the heart more than anything else.
* Do call her a few weeks down the line, when people have forgotten about her loss, while her empty arms still ache.
* And if you were planning to buy her a baby gift, do send her a gift certificate to pamper herself, she deserves it. She's been through a very difficult trauma and you can only help her heal in very small ways.

* Don't tell her that at least she had a few months to bond with the baby.
* Don't try to calm her, that at least she will have her freedom now. It's the last thing she wants.
* Don't tell her, as mentioned above that things wouldn't have been OK with the baby and that it was meant to be.
* Don't ask her personal questions, such as, have you seen the baby, and how did it happen, unless she clearly lets you know that she is OK with it and wants to talk about it.
* Don't give her empty Nechamos, such as, well, at least you are saving money, or at least you will be able to give attention to the older one... Believe it or not, these comments were given to some mothers of loss.

Marion

Thu, Mar 03 2011, 8:49 am

She's home now, so I'm not going tomorrow after all. I think I'm going to send something for the family for Shabbat Zachor in a few weeks...davka NOT sweets.

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