My kids told me I'm a mean mommy!!!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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SingALong

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 2:17 pm

My dd age 6 and age 4 told me me I'm a mean mommy since I :

1. Tell them to get dressed themselves, I stopped helping them but I prepare their clothing
2. Insist they clean up their own toys in playroom and bedroom (I say if u can mess it up u can clean it up)
3. Make healthy suppers and they can't have nosh or dessert till there's enough supper eaten

Oh and dd age 6, her friends also told her that she has a mean mommy since I insist they put away toys before they leave. How do I deal with this?

Petra

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 2:21 pm

Is this a new thing when it comes to dressing, toys etc? Somehow at that age the kids LOVE to play the guilt card. But, your kids will be way better off with the discipline.

gryp

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 2:43 pm

My 5 yr old started saying this recently. I'm mean because I insist he clean up when done playing.

amother

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 2:56 pm

Mazal Tov , that means your doing a good job. When my sons were 6 and 3, my 3rd son (DH), told them that I am Helga the evil she-witch because I enforced bedtime, and didnt let them watch whatever they wanted to on TV/video.

Ten years later, who are they closest to, and run to with all their problems... Helga...

c.c.cookie

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:14 pm

Yup - that's just what they say. How about a 3 year old who yells, "You ichy mommy!"
As for what you should do - I think you're best off ignoring it, or at the very most say, "Okay, I'm sorry you think I'm mean, but you still have to xyz."

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:15 pm

yeah I used to get that alot, and I would let it roll off until one day I had enough..

I asked why am I a bad mommy... We had a discussion, my kids are older now... but it helped.. Because they realized that I am human and I need their help, so they were ok with helping by getting dressed or cleaning up.

Now I just get "I hate you." when I will not let them do things, because they are not behaving..lol

welcome to parenthood

Ruchel

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:19 pm

Do you ladies not punish when they speak that way?

drumjj

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:30 pm

I just get "you ruined my whole day" then the next day I get ur the best mum, I ignore it.

c.c.cookie

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:31 pm

drumjj wrote:

I just get "you ruined my whole day" then the next day I get ur the best mum, I ignore it.

The next day? Try 5 min. later!

gryp

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:35 pm

I spoke to my 5 yr old also. It seemed to me that it would surface when he had a few things he needed to take care of and he was getting overwhelmed. I was right, and I promised him that I would give him only one extra job each day (if any) besides for what he must do (clean up his toys and shoes/backpack/coat/etc) and I would make sure not to give him two jobs at the same time. I also told him that I will make a list of the extra jobs and he can volunteer to do them if he wishes, and each job will be worth either a penny or a nickel. His eyes lit up when I mentioned money.

I also spoke to him about speaking respectfully even when we're very angry/upset/frustrated/etc. And I went through the list of things I had done for him that day and asked him if he thinks I'm still mean. He agreed that I do more nice things than mean things, and the only mean thing I do is give him jobs. So it settled itself.

mom4life

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:41 pm

I get 'your not my friend any more'. I just say 'I don't need you to be my friend I need you to listen to me'.

OOTBubby

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:42 pm

My friend and I used to tell our (all now grown) kids that we went to "mean Mommy school".

c.c.cookie

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:45 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Do you ladies not punish when they speak that way?

Depends what they say. "You ichy mommy" or "You're so mean!" are just children's unsophisticated way of expressing their frustration, and I will not punish for it.
On the other hand, if my son disagrees with what I am saying and says "Nuh uh, you're such a liar!" - that is pure Chutzpah, and I would definitely punish, or at least reprimand, for that.

c.c.cookie

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:46 pm

mom4life wrote:

I get 'your not my friend any more'. I just say 'I don't need you to be my friend I need you to listen to me'.

I just say, "That's right. I'm not your friend. I'm your mommy."

manyhats

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:51 pm

Grip, I would like you as my mother.

You show respect to a child when you take their questions seriously. You also don't criticize spontaneous outbursts. Your child can be himself and not feel ignored or rejected. Promoted good self esteem.
Bravo!
Bracha

amother

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:52 pm

I usually tell them that they are right and that I am the absolute meanest mommy in the world, this usually gets them giggling, lightens the mood, they end up doing what I want and I didn't have to punish them!!!

obagys

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 3:52 pm

My kids all think I'm a "mean mommy" but they respect me for it also. And when something is wrong, guess who they come running to first.
My 4yo recently started the "I'm not your friend!" or "You're not gonna be my best buddy if you don't let me do X" and I simply respond with a smile "That's ok as long as you do what I'm telling you". She doesn't like that but does what I ask, albeit begrudgingly. It's taking her longer than it did my 3 older kids to get that I'm not a built-in play date 24/7.

oranges

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:42 am

Firstly, I always explain why I am doing something, for example OP said she is a mean mommy because she makes them eat healthy supper. As I am serving my mean healthy supper, I talk out loud to myself saying "green beans today because I am a kind mommy who wants her children to grow strong and healthy. A mean mommy would give jelly beans because that would make her child sick and not grow". I just sort of say these things to myself, making sure they can hear, and they start to get the picture.

Now, for tidying up. I don't know what kind of mess you are describing, but I really don't make my kids tidy up their mess on their own because I truly think it is unfair.
Before you tell me what I mean mother I am, read on.
I really want to encourage my kids to play play and play. I don't want their playing to be spoiled by knowing that they are going to have to tidy it all up. So my kids know, that when they make a "good mess" and played really well, I WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS HELP THEM TIDY UP. I sit on the floor with them, giving each one an instruction, and I will take one job for myself.
So they are tidying but I am making the whole job more pleasant for them because I am sitting there with them and we are all doing it together.
I really want them to play as much as poss because it is so healthy for them and I know that so many kids get put off REALLY playing because they can't be bothered for the whole mess thing afterwards...
this way they don't worry about the mess, play beautifully and tidy up time is done WITH me, right down there on the floor.

BUT.... a bad mess, they have to tidy up all. by. themselves. They know what a bad mess is. Being wild, emptying out far too many puzzles and games without being responsible, throwing toys etc..... that I don't help.

oranges

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:49 am

also, I don't know about anyone else, but calling me mean mommy etc is called chutzpa in my house, even for a 3 year old.

gryp

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:54 am

Oranges, you have a point there. I know my kids clean up a lot after themselves but believe me there's plenty more they don't clean up. And if I see that their mess is too hard for them, I will sit down and help them or find another way to motivate them such as making it into a fun game.

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