Kids talking to strangers and situation that came up

Seraph

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 3:14 am

Kids need to be taught "No talking to strangers", but can anyone specify what that means?
What is the definition of stranger? Is a neighbor they never were formally introduced to a stranger, or is a neighbor not a stranger?
Is a kid in the park a stranger? Is the kid's parent a stranger?

If the kid is with mom, and mom is talking to someone the kid doesnt know, does that turn the person from stranger to friend?

If a kid is with mom and a stranger starts talking to the kid, and mom is right there, should mom stop the conversation?

All this was on my mind recently, even before what happened with Leiby, but now that that story came out, it made me more convinced that I need to find out this stuff.

Recently (like 2 weeks ago) I was on the bus with my kids. I was sitting on the seat facing my nearly 4 year old's seat, and there was a 20 or 30 something year old chareidi man sitting in the seat behind my son. The man spoke english somewhat, and engaged my son in conversation. At first, I thought "What's the harm? I'm right here. Its entertaining my son, and he enjoys talking to people." But my son was facing the other way to talk to him, and the bus was noisy, so I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other (or read my son's lips because his head was facing away from me). Eventually I started getting a little ansty. The bus ride was 45 minutes. I mean my son is cute and all, but right, its not normal for a 20 or 30 year old chareidi guy to be interested in talking to a nearly 4 year old boy for THAT long, right? Something was creeping me out about it.
Eventually I heard something about my son saying which community we lived in, and either the man asked, or my son offered to show where we lived. (Not sure which one it was.) The bus passes right by our house before we get to our stop. I got REALLY creeped out and pulled my son to me and said that if he doesn't tell the man where we live, he's going to get a big treat when we get home. My son listened, we got to our stop, he said "Bye" and got off the bus.

So what I want to know is- A) would you also have been weirded out or creeped out or more if that 20 or 30 year old chareidi guy was talking to your little boy for THAT long?
B) How do you explain to your kid about not talking to strangers, and does it make a difference if you are there or not?
C) How do you stop the conversation if you think a little hello is ok, but the conversation is going on too long, and you can't go anywhere else (like you're on the bus)?

ora_43

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 4:03 am

To be honest, I don't teach my kids not to talk to strangers. After all, I talk to strangers all the time. I don't want them having long drawn-out conversations with random people, but OTOH I don't want them to think that if someone says, "excuse me what street is this" they can't answer, or that if an elderly neighbor says, "that's such a pretty dress you have on" or the like they have to ignore her.

For me the red lines are sharing personal information with strangers (address, etc), and of course, going anywhere with strangers. And I'd discourage more than a short conversation with an adult they don't know.

If a kid is too young to understand the red lines, so they shouldn't be out alone. As long as I'm there they can talk to who they want, and I'll step in if it gets to be too much.

I wouldn't want my kids talking to a stranger on the bus for that long mostly because I'd be worried that the stranger feels obligated to keep talking. I agree with kitov re: distracting the kid after a certain amount of time. Like after 10 minutes, start reading your child a story.

Seraph

Sun, Jul 17 2011, 4:07 am

ora_43 wrote:

You have many good points. Thanks. Yea, personal information with strangers is definitely too much.
And I wasnt sure whether the stranger on the bus was talking to my son that long to humor him, or because he really was "that interested" in my son.

ra_mom

Mon, Jul 18 2011, 1:34 am

Quote:

Prevention Contention
As children, most of us were taught never to speak to strangers and never to accept candy from a stranger. However, safety experts today claim that this advice is, in fact, more confusing than helpful to children. Kids often think that strangers who may hurt them are mean-looking and disheveled. Child Safety Expert Ken Wooden insists that teaching children not to speak to strangers is, in fact, the biggest mistake parents make. "In the eyes of a kid, a stranger is a character who is a very scary and monster-type, but in reality, he [the stranger] comes across looking like a very nice guy, and very engaging," Wooden explains. Wooden has studied thousands of child abductors during his career. "The people I interviewed are not scary looking; they're friendly."

In making hard-and-fast rules about not talking to strangers, we have to take into account the situation if a child is lost and there are no familiar adults nearby. To whom will the child turn for help? {INSERT: Tell your child that in an emergency he/she should go over to the nearest mom with kids (stroller) or run into the nearest retail store and ask for help} There have been several situations where missing children actually hid from the search-and-rescue teams because they perceived them as strangers. "We need to teach kids things that are actually going to help them if they're in trouble," says Nancy McBride. "We really need to teach children about situations to avoid and to be concerned about - not people. We can't tell kids who the good people are and who the bad people are.

Lurking Lures
While all children are vulnerable and can easily be lured away, children ages 8-12 are at the highest risk of being abducted. It is particularly important to teach children in this age group about dangerous adult behaviors so that they have a greater awareness when they are in an unsafe predicament. This can be accomplished by talking to kids about the various lures most commonly used by perpetrators. After interviewing hundreds of convicted abductors, Ken Wooden uncovered strategies these people use to entrap their victims. In his Child Lure Prevention program, Ken familiarizes children with the most frequently used lures.

The Assistance Lure
Perpetrators may try to appeal for assistance from children. They may claim to be lost and ask for directions, or request a child's help with packages, and in some instances - pretend to be disabled. Sadly, this lure turns out to be the greatest threat to human life. Tell children that adults who need assistance should get it from other adults, not children. They don't need to be polite in these situations, they need to be safe. Children should pretend that they didn't hear the request and run away in the opposite direction.

The Bribery Lure
Lurking kids with candy, toys, or other gifts still happens, and it still works. Yet, money is the most effective bribe. When children are bribed they are warned not to tell their parents. Discuss with your children that it's never okay for an adult to ask them to keep a secret from their parents. Children should know that they can always share secrets with you, especially if the secrets make them feel upset or scared. Parents should always inquire about unexplained gifts. Who gave them to your child? Why and when were they given?

The Emergency Lure
Perpetrators may fake a crisis in order to trick children to follow them. One common scenario is telling a youngster that "Mommy had an accident and she asked me to come get you." Talk to your children about this lure and have an emergency plan in place with your children. Who will contact them in case of emergency and whom do they need to all if there is an emergency? {INSERT: set up a code with your kids}

The Pet Lure
Most children are fascinated by animals and can easily be lured away with the promise of being able to see a litter of newborn kittens or when asked to help look for a lost puppy. Children must know never to enter anyone's home or car without parental permission. They should never respond to such requests and should report the incident to their caregivers.

The Affection Lure
Children who are starved for attention are especially vulnerable to this type of entrapment. They will blindly follow their abductors in exchange for being listened to, praised, or shown other forms of affection. Children should know that nobody may touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. If an adult tries to touch them they should yell "NO!" and run away. Encourage your children to immediately report such incidents.

Creating a Scene
While familiarizing youngsters with the lures used by abductors proved to be the most effective way to prevent abductions, the NCME has some compelling evidence that parents will want to know about. Thousands of children in the United States are lured away each year. But the good news is that many do manage to get away from their abductors. How? Eighty-eight percent of these children created a scene. They yelled, fought, kicked, screamed, and flailed. "All of these things need to be done so that the child does not get into the vehicle or so that the child does not get abducted by that person." McBride warns parents. "I'd much rather know about attempted abductions where kids got away that be part of an abduction where the child is unfortunately taken."