Don't Ever Say "B'sha'ah Tova" !!

medola

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 12:08 pm

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Unless she looks like she's about to have the baby right in front of you.... DO NOT wish her a B'Shaah Tovah - only if she outright tells you she's expecting or it's really common knowledge already, etc.

It is the most embarrassing and hurtful thing when someone says this to you and you are NOT pregnant! I gained some weight since baby was born, and people have said this a couple of times to me since, and even to my husband. It hasn't happened in a while (maybe because I don't even go to shul anymore on Shabbos in part because I don't want to deal with it if someone decides to open their mouth..) but my friend, whose baby is not even 1 yet (!!), had multiple ppl tell her B'shaah Tovah last time she attended a kiddush at shul. It was clearly baby weight. People are always expecting you to be expecting!

Has this ever happened to you? How do you deal with it (go on a hunger strike or diet pill binge?)- what do you say back? "When are you due?" -- " Oh, about 2 years from now, actually"

I just don't understand how some people could be so clueless and insensitive.

This should definitely be a rule of etiquette, if it isn't already.

Ruchel

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 12:33 pm

I was wearing a high waisted dress - BUT this same week three unlinked people told me I had lost like crazy. And this stupid lady yelled "mazal tov!!!" to me. I was like huh... NO. Some girls around laughed. I don't envy the sin they all did, especially as it was on a quite special day of the Jewish calendar. The lady tried to make up for it by saying "it's a siiiiiign, it will happen sooooooon". I said "yeah right".

I must say, several times people said something weird or hurtful to her and she just did not get it. Some people are just not sensitive.

imaima

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:04 pm

LAMK521 wrote:

I know it is not what you expected to hear, but people don't always remember when your previous baby was born. When the community life gets busy with many events and births and what not, do you expect everyone to always remember when you had your baby? After a couple of months it feels like it's been forever. So they see you have a belly and want to be polite and say Be shaa tova.

Would you be insulted if someone asked you whether you have a new sheitel, if your have your old one on? Or compliment on a new outfit which is not actually new? It is the same thing.

amother

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:18 pm

I did this once embarrassed

, I saw someone I knew whose son was already over a year and I had not seen her in a really long time. She had a really big stomach. She kind of made a face and ignored the "Bshaah Tovah." I later realized that she had weight issues and medical concerns causing difficulty losing weight ran in her family.

Some time ago, I saw my sister after not seeing her for many months. She used to be really thin and now she had quite a stomach. This time I held my tongue because I knew it's better to let her say it to me if she had something to tell me than for me to say anything about it to her. I felt a little insulted that she hadn't mentioned anything to me all those times we were on the phone together, but swallowed the feeling. Maybe she saw me glancing at her stomach, or not, but she brought up the fact that due to her thyroid problem, she had gained so much weight! Boy was I glad I hadn't said anything!

amother

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:19 pm

imaima wrote:

Would you be insulted if someone asked you whether you have a new sheitel, if your have your old one on? Or compliment on a new outfit which is not actually new? It is the same thing.

It is not the same at all. Being complimented on a new outfit that isn't actually new is nice anyway. It means the person likes your outfit. Whether it is new or not is neither here or there.

Women who are not pregnant generally do not wish to look as though they are, so if someone thinks you are based on your appearance then they are basically saying you look fat.

Noone has said it outright to me but after I got married someone started a rumour that I was pregnant before the wedding. Four months after the wedding an older lady from shul saw me, stared at my stomach for a few seconds and said "oh. You're not pregnant then?!" Rolling Eyes

Also, I'm a teacher and after my first round of IVF I looked about 5 months gone even though the treatment hadn't worked and I could hear the kids whispering to each other that I was pregnant. Eventually one of them plucked up the courage to ask me! I wasn't offended by that though, it was quite funny.

hadasa

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:21 pm

I've been on all sides of the coin : having others mistakenly think I'm pregnant, mistakenly thinking others are pregnant and havin others not realize I'm pregnant when in week 42. I do agree with OP and have learned to never assume anything. However, I also think that women should be aware of the effects of their clothing. If you don't want to look pregnant, don't wear high waists, and otoh don't wear clothes that clearly define your protruding belly. Look in the mirror with an objective eye.

sushilover

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:24 pm

imaima wrote:

LAMK521 wrote:

it's not quite the same thing. I've been asked when I was due and it was one of the most hurtful things anyone ever said to me. I completely forgive the person who asked, but it still hurts me to think about it.

Do me a favor, don't be 'polite' and say b'shaa tova. It's not worth the pain you may cause

Ruchel

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:31 pm

The thing is, I didn't think I looked pregnant with this dress, and had worn it many times without problem... especially as I lost lots of weight then. I also don't think one should be paranoid about what someone may say, it's for them to mind their mouth.

Also the person may be pregnant but not "out", or c'v they may have had a miscarriage, or whatever. THINK, ladies!

amother

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:31 pm

amother wrote:

I always look pregnant especially since my baby. I have very loose abdominal muscle and while most people dont say anything thank g-d I alway have people checking it out. I did have a few old people asking when I'm due .I don't really care though.

I almost thought I wrote this. I have the same issue and I'm so self-concious, I feel like ppl are checking me out all the time.

imaima

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 1:41 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I had someone ask me how I was managing to nurse my one-year-old while being pregnant... I wasn't. Pregnant, that is.

People don't always think before they talk, or they can only see things from their point of view. I try to shrug it off.

Yes that'S what I meant. They see whatever they see and want to say something nice, so they say Be shaa tova. It is not necessary to take it as an imperative to get pregnant asap, as OP said.

amother

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 2:09 pm

imaima wrote:

It is not necessary to take it as an imperative to get pregnant asap, as OP said.

I agree with this, however, I don't think it is appropriate to say b'shaa tova unless you are 200% sure because while it is nice to hear that if you actualy ARE pregnant, it is not nice to know that someone thinks you look pregnant when you are not. Saying "b'shaa tova" in those circumstances is like saying " you look pregnant!"

punchike

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 2:25 pm

I feel like when you're in your twenties or thirties, and you dont have a perfectly flat stomach, people assume you're pregnant.

While someone with the same look thats 40 or someone thats younger but not frum, would not be assumed to be pregnant, at all! Because its not a pregnant look you have, just a little untoned.

Why do we have this standard that you have to have perfectly toned abs, and a perfectly flat stomach otherwise you're assumed pregnant. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?

I'm not talking about a huge belly, just not the perfect look. I live in a nonfum community & no one looks at my stomach, its just not done in normal conversation, but the second I'm around family or friends, its eyes right down to the stomach.

Why cant someone with young kids, be comfortable without feeling like hey I better wear a girdle before I go c that person, otherwise she'll think this little extra bit is a new pregnancy!!!

I'm normal weight & build. Not heavy by any means by the way. (I'm not talking about being flabby or overweight, just less that the perfect bod)

Last edited by punchike on Tue, Aug 23 2011, 2:30 pm; edited 1 time in total