Guests Ask Us to Babysit

mummiedearest

Thu, Sep 13 2012, 3:53 pm

amother wrote:

I recently hosted a family...that I did not know. I found it really strange when the parents went downstairs to their rooms to "relax" and I was left with two extra kids to watch. When its just me and the kids I sit down and read while they are playing...but I can't exactly do that when there is a bunch of kids flying around the house. I have also had guests who think its ok to go to sleep and assume I will watch a whole bunch of kids myself.

I would have sent their kids downstairs after them or gone to knock on their door after five minutes. oh, and I might have tried to leave my kids with them just to see how they'd react...

persephonefalls

Thu, Sep 13 2012, 4:37 pm

I've been in this situation, on the other side, several times now. We were staying at a stranger's house for shabbat for a family bar mitvah or sheva brachot. The meals were either at the shul or our family's house, and especially on Friday night, we assumed that one of us would leave halfway through the meal to put our daughter to bed and stay with her. We weren't super thrilled about it (seriously, so awkward to sit upstairs outside the guest room where my daughter was sleeping while our host family enjoyed their shabbos meal, but I wouldn't feel comfortable intruding on their meal either!) but we were totally prepared and ready to do it. Our kid, our responsibility, etc.

We were pleasantly surprised when our host insisted that we go back to the meal at our cousin's house (a mere block and a half away) and offered to keep an ear out in case my daughter woke up. I would never have just expected them to do it, but it was incredibly kind and generous, and enabled us to enjoy the family simcha.

That said, I know my daughter. She rarely wakes up in the middle of the night, and on the rare occasion that she does, she usually falls back asleep within seconds. So I did feel very comfortable leaving her in someone's house, fast asleep. If she had been a kid who woke up and got scared in the middle of the night, I would never have left her even if they promised me they didn't mind.

So, I understand why you'd feel like it's an imposition, but it's also incredibly nice and helpful if you can provide.

manhattanmom

Thu, Sep 13 2012, 4:56 pm

Hm...I remember a couple of years ago when my parents hosted a couple and baby for a neighbor's shabbos sheva brochos. There is no eiruv where my parents live (well, none that they or these guests would use) I thought the whole thing was weird--if your kid can't yet walk, why come? seriously--just send a family representative--like the husband--who is a brother to the chosson, but why have his wife and baby come to sit in someone's house all shabbos--
so Friday night, they asked my parents if they can leave a sleeping baby...and my parents, while taken aback, said yes--and he didn't get up...shabbos morning while playing (and his mother davening) he literally took apart my parents' living room cruising around on the furniture...and my mother said she wouldn't watch him while he was awake...so mom and baby didn't go to the sheva brochos lunch and instead had guests for a meal they were not expecting....

mummiedearest

Thu, Sep 13 2012, 5:11 pm

being hosted can be uncomfortable all around. I remember my bro's shabbos sheva brachot. I hadn't intended to go (I had an eight-week-old at the time) until his future mil informed me that it was all arranged, we were staying with her neighbor who graciously agreed to babysit our son. I was taken aback. this was my firstborn, I was NOT leaving him with strangers at eight weeks, and no one consulted with me first. I hadn't even thought of going, we don't hold of the eruv. it was apparent to me that his mil felt it was important we attend, but I explained to her the above and that my dh would never be able to make it there from work in time for shabbos. add to that that I don't drive and you have a whole luggage mess...

I ended up getting my aunt to babysit for the day meal. we slept at my parents' (more centrally located for the purpose, but still a walk), and I cooked a shabbos meal for my aunt's family so they could eat at my parents while my parents, dh and I all went to the sheva brachos.

such a fun time.

I honestly feel bad for these people who need hosting. yes, they should watch their kids. they are wrong to impose. however, I'd be uncomfortable spending the whole shabbos afternoon in a stranger's living room because I can't go anywhere with my kid and my kid won't be contained in the bedroom assigned to us. (the hostess should still stand up for herself, she is not an automatic babysitter.)

I really wish shabbos events did not require extended family to attend. if you're going to make a simcha and everyone must attend, do it on a sunday or during the week.

CatLady

Fri, Sep 14 2012, 1:05 pm

Not that I'm Miss Manners or anything even remotely close, but there's a huge difference between being a house guest at a friend's house (even if it's the friend of the simcha-makers and you've met them a few times) and being billeted at a total stranger's house because there's no hotel within walking distance of the shul. In Montreal, I can think of several shuls with hotels within easy walking distance, so even in the dead of winter it's logistically feasible to stay there.

I'd feel perfectly comfy snagging an apple from the fruit bowl at Simcha Family's Close Friend's house, because I would have invariably met the friend on other occasions. But I don't even want to take a sip of water at a total stranger's place, let alone cavalierly assume that they'd loooove nothing more than to babysit Little Speedy!

chocolate chips

Sat, Sep 15 2012, 9:48 pm

Ok op you don't explain the whole scenario.
Do you know the family staying with you?
Do you know the parents?
Do you know a relative or even the person making the simcha?
Did you know they have a kid?
Did you know if they sat for 30mins discussing who will go for what part and who will stay in the dark with the sleeping child before deciding to broach the subject with you and ask you?

Let me put it this way.
I have a great baby BH. pu pu pu. 90% of the time once he is asleep he stays so.
I have a couple times left my door open and my landlords door open (she is downstairs) asking her to keep an ear out for 10mins until dh is home.
Other times I bring her my monitor.
Now if ds was really screaming, she would hear it door closed and no monitor anyway. I don't know how your house is built but if your kids were awake in the dining room or you were two stories up with a window open in your room, chances are you would hear if the baby was really screaming which was 90% unlikely chance!

The parents are reliable, caring and responsible parents. They obviously know their child and probably knew that by the time you were off to bed (say 11ish) they would be on their way or almost on their way home.

Now I as a person would feel REALLY stupid to ask someone who I don't know to watch my kid, even if they know my mil or my mom. But if I had no choice (eg my bubby would be angry if I didn't make it kids or no kids!) I would gently question to see if it is a possibility and I understand from your post that as soon as the young couple asked you, you seemed to be ok with it as did your daughter.

I also agree with raisin on this one, if you know you are having kids offer your daughters services to listen/watch them.

As for leaving their kids with you. I am assuming (coming from a young mothers point of view) that they saw their kid was happy playing nicely with your kid and therefore did not see the problem with going downstairs to relax for 10mins or have a chat or put on some perfume before coming back up to take the kids for a nap!

I know I am not nearly near the majority view on these things and many of you probably thing I am snotty two faced unresponsible mother from my post BUT I had guests (close friends) staying with us a few weeks ago.
We planned to go out on motze shabbos together so whilst they put their kids to sleep I called my bil to come over to babysit. He came whilst dh and I waited, and waited and text but they were still not coming out of their room. Eventually the dh came out and said ok we have to go meet with my family we are going bowling. We are taking teh baby.
Bil left and so did they and dh and I were left babysitting and eating popcorn on the couch.

I was NOT a happy bunny not at all. I would not have done that to someone else BUT if my friend would have come to me earlier on and said it looks like we might have to go out with my in laws would you mind if we left ds1 here? I would have said sure no problems at all!

It is all about the approach, the language, the assuming and the guessing.
I am guessing that a real nice host like OP deep down has no problem but would just prefer it is come about a different way, with a different approach!

causemommysaid

Sat, Sep 15 2012, 9:53 pm

chocolate chips wrote:

I think its irresponsible to leave a baby monitor with a neighbor. what if chas veshalom there is a fire or a gas leak? thats not something you can catch by sound- and once she smells it in her apartment it would be too late for the baby in yours.

Della

Sun, Sep 16 2012, 11:37 am

I'm the OP.

To answer a few questions:

I knew the parents of our guests. I did not know either of the couples that stayed at our home. I do not sleep with open windows. The bedroom in the basement is rear facing, while my bedroom faces the front of my house. I could not hear a baby crying two flights up if I am asleep.

When I offer(ed) our home, I offered...our home. I did not offer babysitting.

I was also a young mother once. (I still have a 9 year old). I took my babies with me when we went out, difficult as it was. It never occurred to me to ask strangers- adults-to babysit my children so I could go out.

If someone wants to stay in my house and leave their baby with me, I will probably say no next time.

K'Sima V'Chasima Tova

SplitPea

Sun, Sep 16 2012, 1:52 pm

chocolate chips wrote:

ysmommy wrote:

She lives downstairs and often smells my burning food before me!!
I would never do it in an apartment building or anything but this is like a 1 family house, like being at my parents when I am downstairs and he is upstairs...she can hear and smell everything even without the monitor (annoying sometimes!)

THIS I have done. my neighbor and I are in a one family house and she lives in the basement. I have had times (like when given birth) that I leave her the monitor so as not to need to wake the baby when I go out. BUT we are in THE SAME HOUSE. We can hear conversations, music, and everything that happens, I also smell very quickly if she burns something while cooking.

amother

Wed, Sep 19 2012, 7:39 am

SplitPea wrote:

chocolate chips wrote:

ysmommy wrote:

You left your baby on a monitor while you went to give birth?

Do you realize that you are irresponsible?

What about the woman who lost her baby two days ago? Does that hit close enough to home?

I have been accused of being a helicopter mother when I get upset about all these unwatched neglected children. I thought about chocolate chip's post all during the tragedy.

chocolate chips

Wed, Sep 19 2012, 8:45 am

Tragedies happen whether the mother was there or not.
What you don't seem to understand that is in a two story house like most in the UK (where I grew up) the bedrooms are upstairs the kitchen and dining room etc downstairs.
Do you really think that mothers put their kids to bed either at 10pm when they are ready to go to bed too or stay up there once they are asleep?

My house is exactly like that. I would put my kid to sleep and go down with a monitor to clean my kitchen so what is the difference?

And btw just to show how safe it is, one night I didn't go get the monitor right away and my landlord called me to ask if I am home yet because my baby is starting to kvetch. I was in the room next to his and I didn't hear him!!!

Again, tragedies CAN HAPPEN ANYWHERE ANYTIME!

YaelB

Sun, Sep 23 2012, 9:07 pm

amother wrote:

I have been in this situation lots of times, OP, as I too have a separate guest area and I live near a Simcha hall.

I usually tell people, up-front, that I don't do babysitting. Like - call comes in, can we use your room. I answer - sure but I want to tell you up front that I don't do babysitting.

Recently, someone called about using the room and she mentioned that she will place her parents and adult sister by me....so I didn't say anything.

Unbeknownst to me, she decided to switch and place the Chosson's sister, with kids, by me instead. On Thursday night, at about 11:15 p.m. DH and I were awakened by loud and persistent phone ringing. Half asleep, I answered, to find this sister on the line. She was calling to make sure that I would be babysitting...and was quite disappointed with my policy.

I really, REALLY can't believe her nerve!! That is disgusting behavior--not only to call so late, but to also be "disappointed." Your home is not an all-inclusive hotel, and bringing someone a bottle of wine or a kugel does not entitle you to free babysitting!

zaq

Mon, Sep 24 2012, 6:18 am

r_ch wrote:

I like it that you're thinking from the point of view of the baby, not yours. They are definitely going beyond any hospitality borders, this goes without saying. What terrifies me most, is that people don't think of the baby itself. I always wonder how one can find a babysitter for once even at own home. The baby is not familiar with the person and what if it wakes up? And for an evening before it goes to sleep? How can a baby trust someone new to put her to bed without first having become familiar?

depends on age of baby. before 7-8 mos. they don't recognize that a person is a stranger and it's not a problem. Past that age they recognize who is familiar and who is not, and that could be a real trauma for the kid if he wakes up and is attended by a stranger. OTOH people do go out after their child falls asleep and do hire babysitters, and it's not always practical or possible to have a getting-to-know-you period first.

I recall one very miserable first-time babysitting session when I was in HS. The mother had put the baby to bed before I arrived. The kid woke up not long after she left, took one look at me, saw I wasn't Mommy, gave a geshrei to split the heavens and didn't stop shrieking for the rest of the evening. Nothing worked: not the bottle, not rocking, walking around, making funny faces, singing, looking in the mirror, showing him Mommy and Daddy's wedding picture (that actually made it worse!). He finally fell asleep, exhausted, just before Mommy came back, which made it look as if I'd been coasting at my leisure all evening. Ha.

joy613

Mon, Sep 24 2012, 8:03 am

amother wrote:

SplitPea wrote:

chocolate chips wrote:

ysmommy wrote:

She left her baby on a moniter with someone who was in the basement. Of the same house.

I am with chocolate chips on this. I don't think that's so terrible.

How is that different than a parent putting their child to sleep upstairs but spending the next few hours downstairs on the main floor? Or in the basement doing laundry or whatever.

When you put your baby to sleep, do you sit in his room the rest of the night? I hope so, because otherwise according to you you're being irresponsible.

And re: the tragedy (you're talking about the toilet one, I assume). I don't see how that story proves your point at all. In fact it disproves your point. The mother, and other adults, were in the house at the time. Yet the tragedy occured anyways. I don't know if they were asleep or awake at the time but they were right there.
That just proves the point that what's supposed to happen will happen wether you're there or not. Or a helicopter parent or not.

Obviously a parent must try to be responsible and care for the safety of their kids. And I think Splitpea was fine in that.