My son has gender disorder....

HindaRochel

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 2:48 am

amother wrote:

Op here

I don't know that it is entirely normal. I have three other boys. From the time he could talk he has wanted us to buy him rings etc., when we go to the store he wants the barbie ball. He would love it if I bought him princess dresses which I wont. I actually don't discourage it. If that is who he is, that is who he is. I just need help navigating this path. I don't warn him to be an outcast.

I am also not sure he will out grow it. He is 6 years old and it has been like this since he could talk.

Explain to him the laws about wearing clothing. Let him know that rude people stare.
If someone criticizes his playing in front of you stand up for him by making the one who is criticizing seem like a fool: "What is your problem? Do you always invade other people's buying habits?" for instance. Or "What the heck are you ranting on about? He's fine, leave him alone. You've got the issue."

m in Israel

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 3:26 am

amother wrote:

The fact that something is "normal" doesn't mean everyone has to be that way! Posters aren't saying "all boys do this" they are saying "these behaviors are exhibited by plenty of boys who are perfectly normal." So just because your other boys never did this doesn't mean it is not normal. I have a bunch of sons myself, and they have different personalities. But nothing that you are describing seems pathological for a 6 year old.

One of my boys was very into pink and dolls as a toddler, and even dressed up as Queen Esther for Purim the year he was 5! We never made a big deal about it. When he came home with his menorah that he made in school painted pink and one of his brothers said "that's a girl color" we just said "people can like whatever color they want -- it doesn't matter if you are a girl or a boy". He also liked toy jewelery. He is now almost Bar Mitzvah, and he is certainly not "girly". He grew out of the stage and now has no interest in girl clothing, and spends his time after school playing basketball! He likes lego and Knex, and building things, and is not interested in dolls in the least (although he does like helping me bake -- is that "gender disorder?" Wink

) .

OTOH one of my most leibidige boys, who loved crashing toy trucks from when he was a baby, and used chess pieces to organize "wars" between good guy and bad guys, and chose a sword for his 4 year old birthday has recently gotten very into artistic pursuits. He really likes drawing and coloring, etc. Not exactly feminine, but not what I would have expected from such a stereotypical boy.

Just relax and support your son in his exploration of himself. I think it is WAY too young to be panicking about this!

amother

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 4:54 am

For some reason it is more accepted for a girl to be a tomboy, than a boy to be feminine (we dont even have a name to coin it!)

As a teacher I have seen it both ways. Your child may stay feminine, he may not. In reality, if he does stay more into girly things, it will probably be harder for him than it will be for you. I would just work on building his confidence and self esteem. I wouldnt change his interests, but you can try and broaden them... find a group sport he enjoys etc

I just bought my nearly 5 year old a pink dolly buggy Wink

(which he loves), he doesnt mind, or think twice about sharing his sisters pink things. I am a little more aware when it comes to school and his friends as I dont want him to get teased.

I think at this stage all I would do is broaden his interests so he has common ground with his male friends. And build his confidence.

What else is there?

watergirl

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 7:37 am

In a 3 year old preschool class I once taught, there was a boy who was a TOTAL girlie girl. He played dress up, only with the other girls, wore princess clothes and everything else that youd expect from a 3 year old girl. He even declared himself a girl and would cry if someone told him he is a boy.
One day, he puts his foot up on the table and announces, "My legs are SO Smooth! I shaved them this morning!!!" And made all the kids feel his legs. This, we were concerned about since he was inviting the other kids to touch him. So we brought it up with his mother, who said that she gives him her old shavers with the blades removed, brings him INTO THE SHOWER with her, and lets him "shave his legs". Clearly, this mother is encouraging this behavior.

PS - he is now 9, and has grown out of this on his own.

GAMZu

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:00 am

watergirl wrote:

If you call "not breathing down the kid's neck and not forcing him to conform to some of your odd preconceived notions" as encouraging, then yes, she's encouraging. You say it like it's a bad thing. Not panicking and trying to beat normal behavior out of a child shouldn't be called "encouraging" in such a disdainful tone.

Barbara

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:18 am

GAMZu wrote:

watergirl wrote:

More than that. By allowing her son to act in normal (albeit not stereotypical) ways, she met his needs at the time, and he was able to move past them. Kids like to emulate BOTH their parents. Nothing wrong with it.

BTW, I know tons of people who still showered or bathed with their 3 year-olds. I never felt comfortable with it, so I didn't, but a very large percentage of the population is fine with it.

Barbara

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:25 am

amother wrote:

We are a boy family with a baby girl. One of my boys loves girly things. Always wants rings likes to do girl things etc., because he has so many brothers at home he seems boyish but a school he isn't. He likes women clothes and asks me to buy him smaller sizes of my clothes... I am leaving it for now but I am scared of the future.

OP, just to reinforce what most people have said, he sounds perfectly normal.

When DS was little, we were chatting with a salesman in Nordstroms' shoe department. He mentioned how many boys wanted girls' shoes. And why wouldn't they? Girls shoes have bright, pretty colors and sparkles and whatever else; boys' shoes are dull by comparison. So that very informal demonstrates that your son is far from alone.

Give him a big hug from me. He's only little for a short period of time.

watergirl

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:34 am

Barbara wrote:

GAMZu wrote:

watergirl wrote:

Sorry guys, totally disagree. As you can see from my previous post in this topic, I am all for giving a kid what he/she needs or wants (which at 3, needs and wants are pretty much the same thing, I think we all agree). But there is a difference between letting your 3 year old boy wear his sisters tutu and twirl (which my own 3 year old ds does), even buying him a Barbie or 2, pink stuff, whatever, and which are all TOYS FOR CHILDREN and providing him with a GROWN WOMANS TOOL for personal hygiene. A girl might see her father shaving his face in the mornings and want to copy him. That is totally different then a mother shaving in the shower, which is a PRIVATE act. Her son was brought into the shower with her and would not have been privy to this with out her initiating.

Its all in who initiates the interest in whichever act. Here, posters mentioned boys wanting to be in ballet class, boys wanting to play barbies, etc. Those are all play time activities which are initiated by the boy, and the parent is choosing to allow or not allow. You don't see the difference between a preference for the color pink and going out of your way to remove a razor from a shaver and letting him pretend to shave? In the shower with you?

My same 3 year old son loves to cook with me in the kitchen. He loves to try to use my immersion blender. I am not going to take a broken one and remove the blade. Not because its crossing genders (most famous chefs are men!) but for other reasons. Let him play with every pot and pan I own (he does that all day). Its just not the same thing.

watergirl

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:40 am

GAMZu wrote:

watergirl wrote:

Wait, I just noticed something. "Odd preconceived notions"..... its odd to have a notion that girls shave their legs and boys don't? That's "odd" to you??? Strange. Unless a boy is a swimmer or a wrestler, I don't think its typical for a boy/man to shave his legs. Totally different than a typically girl activity that can go both ways (cooking, ballet, doll play whatever) or even a "girl" activity that is really only a girl activity (makeup application maybe?).
HELLO this boy even knew that his legs should feel smooth. This is learned and encouraged behavior through the mother. So much to the point that he wanted the other kids in school to feel his legs also. That's different than Timmy asking the other boys to watch him twirl.

Rodent

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:42 am

HindaRochel wrote:

frw wrote:

My dd takes ballet lessons and my ds is enthralled with it? Are there any ballet classes for boys?

Of course there are! And males are greatly appreciated as there are less of them. But yeah, just do a search. Depends on where you live naturally.

My 3 eldest boys all do ballet. Mixed classes. The older 2 are in a small class together-- them and 1 girl, you won't find many ballet classes with more boys than girls!

Finding it hard now though to have them progress properly and keep Shabbat, very very hard, I'm very stressed about it at the moment.

GAMZu

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:42 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Do NOT ask him to help you with the baby, fetch something for her care from across the room, carry stuff for you, or in any way ask for little helps and favors that you would not ask from the toughest of your other sons, or anybody's sons, or a rabbi. In fact, be extra careful with this one. Those little sweet help requests are not appropriate with boys, especially this one. All flames about this will be ignored. You must treat him like a superior, in one sense. Not like a servant. Your daughter will help you shlep and prep. Not your sons. Repeat, all flames will be ignored.

Do NOT take him, or any son, with you into a wig salon or manicure salon, or other cooties-laden places. I don't care if that creates babysitting problems for you and you look a mess.

WT actual H!!

GAMZu

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 9:46 am

GAMZu wrote:

Dolly Welsh wrote:

WT actual H!!

Sorry, I was knocked speechless there for a bit.

Hold on a minute while I Puke

Okay, that's better.

PLEASE tell me you don't have sons whom you raised/are raising as elitist, sexist jerks. If you are, I beg of you to let the girls they will be dating know all of this right off the bat so they don't suffer in abusive marriages.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 10:03 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Quote:

Dolly, someone else just quoted you, I did not see your post till now. Are you for real? Make him superior? Are you serious? This is a little boy, enjoying "girl" things.
And you wrote "your daughter will help you shlep, not your sons". Where are we? In 1940 america? Really? Your post disturbs me on so many levels!!!!!! Do your sons (assuming you have any) not help and shlep at home? Wow, talk about sexism in a weird way. Not "allowing" a son to help is just wrong, in so many ways. children, no matter which gender they are should learn to help, with whatever the parents tell them to. I am disturbed by your post dolly.

imasinger

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 10:04 am

My 6 year old also loves pink and purple, light blue and sparkles. He is jealous of his sisters' pretty clothing and jewelry. We give him age appropriate bead necklaces and let him play dress up. I bought him a couple of pink Izod shirts to wear to school when he wants.

He likes helping his sister dress up dolls, but he also loves Lego and toy cars and trains.

My question for OP is, does your DS have any interests that are usually considered "boy things"?

And a side comment on watergirl's story. I agree with her. There is a difference between support and inappropriate sxualization. I don't think it is right to take a young child of either gender into the shower and "teach" them to shave.

happybeingamom

Wed, Feb 06 2013, 10:19 am

OP

I see nothing to be concerned with here. Your son is acting very normal. Children's interest change all the time.

I do not let my sons wear girl/women clothing or my girls wear boy/men clothing. If they ask me to wear it I very simply say that is against the Torah so they can not wear it. End of discussion and it does not put anyone down.

In my house children can play with any toy they want. Wearing rings would not concern me at all (there are men who wear them).

From reading your posts I noticed you fell he is to into this. If you can afford it I would get him music lessons as it is a neutral activity and will be an outlet for his creativity.

If I could have afforded it I would have has all my kids take music lessons as it has so many benefits.

I really think you have nothing to be concerned about.