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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

She's done it again

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greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 10:41 am

Here's the deal - my dd is already in trouble with law for many reasons - the other day we were at store and she was checking out the price of some face wash - $7.00 too expensive - suddenly this morning I see it on the bathroom sink ... what am I to think ... what am I to do!

Flowerchild

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 10:43 am

ask her where and how she got it, and see what she tells you. maybe she got someone to buy it for her, dont assume that she ness. stole

greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 10:48 am

am I suppose to have a lot of money when I don't just so that she doesn't steal - I already convinced her to put back one of her expensive things and that would enable me to see she is being realistic thereby allowing me to purchase one of them. ... and then I see this - where else the hell did she get it ... she was not at that store since ... and I do plan to talk with her ... but I just don't feel like a good enough mother if this is what my kids amount to - selfish, self-centered, shop-lifters - so I can't win ... ever

Flowerchild

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 10:52 am

you are good enough mother, look how much you care and how hard you try to do right by them, you were not good enough you would just simply let this slide and not do anything about it. talk to her, ask her why she has the need to steal, she can always get a job of some sort to pay her way if she has her own money she can purchase whatever she needs, and are you sure she hasnt been back to the store? if she did steal it when did she do it? for sure talk to her.

gryp

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 11:00 am

greenfire, I dont have a miracle solution, but wanted to let you know I'm supporting you on this.

greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 11:01 am

yeah except someone told me that I was enabling her ... so ...

Flowerchild

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 11:16 am

she is living under your roof, and she is following your rules, until she moves out she is under your managment so to speak, and you are the mother, the parent. if she has a hard time listening to you then let her get a job, her own place and then she can do what she wants. but right now she is living with you and should be listening to you, she needs to have a little bit of fear of you, this way she will think of her actions and the consequences, your too scared to discipline her and put her in her place, and she knows that so she is playing on your goodness. you too scared that she will go over the edge so your nice and helpfull and always there, but she needs to learn that her actions are her responsibility, and sometimes learning the hard way and tough way is the best lesson

Tefila

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 11:34 am

greenfire you know if she was under bar or bas mitzvah then perhaps we as parents can hold ourselves to blame. But once they are over they have to be respnsible for their actions. You can help or assist her but it's her duty alone. SO don't be so hard on yourself.

As far as enabling her well you could hide that face wash or better still get rid of it.

And if she asks u where it is you, could I am thinking here Idea

answer her thats prob what the store wants to know too.
Question is how old is your dd, what will her reaction be. You don't want it backfiring on u eighter Confused

greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 11:40 am

she'll go ballistic - and I really can't deal with that so no matter what I do other than just simply letting her know it was wrong and that it is not worth it to go to jail cause she used get out of jail free card aleady

greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 12:08 pm

Just asked her - she said "leave me the _____ alone - I am eating breakfast" and I said "is it worth going to jail" and she is just ignoring me now. Exploding anger

momofgirls

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 12:15 pm

You did yours. I would let it go now. I am sorry for you. Hashem should give you strength. Hang in there. {{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

BrachaVHatzlocha

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 12:16 pm

{{{HUGS}}} to you.
Hopefully she'll grow out of this "stage" soon!

greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 12:57 pm

yeah right I thought she already did - but thanks for the hugs

Ima'la

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 1:05 pm

Oy, greenfire...no advice here - my oldest is 6...but {{{hugs}}}...maybe it will help to daydream about when dd has teenage daughters? Twisted Evil

greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 1:14 pm

It's time for a joke - my mother used to curse us with a kid "just like you" she would say and then my d sis had a kid that my mother had to raise - so whose the joke on now!!!

healthymama

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 7:46 pm

I do think that parents who allow their children to hurt them and to do illegal things while living under their roof, enable them. It is not okay to live with/support anyone, spouse or child or parent, who says "leave me the_____ alone because I am eating breakfast".

withhumor

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 7:55 pm

Greenfire, you know she’s troubled – she really needs unconditional love PLUS 99% help from the outside. From you, the more you will scheme how to help her the more she will hate you,. I cannot know for sure because I don’t have teenagers (therefore my hairs are still not white) but I was a teenager myself once. And if my mother would DARE tell me ONE thing I’d come up with the most outrageous comments to retaliate with, just to ‘kill her’ because I couldn’t really kill her, ya know. So I had to do it with words.

Do me a favor, keep a journal. Write down her ‘transgressions’ on the pages that start from right-to-left and the nice little things she does like cleaning out the cabinets obsessively clean. Write those in the journal pages from left-to-right. The book will hopefully be full of nice thing, you know why? Because if she was actually stealing because of a money thing or something, then she would hide it oh so well. She’s brazenly displaying it, it’s bait for you. come to us for hugs and le her roll. I’m sure she’s already getting therapy outside the house. Leave it to them, but DO write it down. I can send you a nice green one form NY which has orange flames in glitter on the cover, would you like that? I’m sure Anne Geddes is not your style… Smile

greenfire

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 7:57 pm

healthymama wrote:

Thanks healthymama - make me feel like a piece of **** cause nobody else is doing that for me today!!

Piper

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 8:13 pm

GF, I totally support you. Healthymama was way out of line, IMO. Your daughter is at an age now where she knows right from wrong. You have done your best as a mother to influence your dd's moral compass. Now it is HER CHOICE to choose her own path. Our children are not trained pets: they are individual people. We, as parents can only do so much to shape their behaviors.

At some point, Greenfire, after she turns 18, you need to apply the toughlove. You cannot let her drag you down with her. You are a decent person who deserves love and a break, you know.

Oh, I want to add that I believe GF has given her tons of unconditional love. Her daughter seems to have taken advantage of that. So, what she needs now is a swift kick in the ***.

Seriously, have you considered a military school? Your daughter seems to be a tough cookie, and that kind of discipline might be what she needs.

healthymama

Mon, Feb 19 2007, 8:48 pm

Look GF- if whatever you have been doing so far is working for you, keep doing it. If it is not, maybe it is time to see what changes you can make.

You want me to say nice things that make you feel good, okay then. Yes, GF we totally support you. Hugs and kisses, all the way. You are doing the best thing (even though you have been doing the same thing for many many years and still putting up with all this cr@p) for your kids and they know you love them. Just do whatever you have been doing before and Hashem will help you.

Quote:

Oh, I want to add that I believe GF has given her tons of unconditional love. Her daughter seems to have taken advantage of that. So, what she needs now is a swift kick in the ***.

yeah, that is the same thing that I said, but because you said it and not me, you are not out of line. whaddaya know.

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