Can I please, PLEASE, stop covering my hair?

amother

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 4:16 am

amother wrote:

A YU girl's not going to want to wear a synthetic wig. Its just not done. You could get a jap fall for around 300 I think. Mazali fall is 399, 12" fall is $449 and you can finance over 6 months. http://www.fortunewigs.com/hum.....rt=3a

Freeda outlet starts around 250 or so.

Sophia wigs start at 700.

I meant 12" full wig is 449.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 5:44 am

amother wrote:

I meant 12" full wig is 449.

A friend of mine has several pieces from JAP, and she loves all of them. They may not be fancy virgin European hair, but they look very nice and natural on them. She's had no problem with hair falling out, and only minimal tangling issues, easily fixed with some conditioner and a gentle comb.

Ruchel

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 6:56 am

Take all your thoughts and sadness to an understanding rav and see what he can say, advise and do.

I hope you can find a gmach for a nice wig in the mean time. I can swear to you some very modern ladies wear synthetics and some ARE nice. It's winter now, you can do it.

If you need some hair what about a tichel or hat with some hair out either yours or fake strands.

amother

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 7:20 am

OP, for you, you have a few options:
1. Buy an expensive wig and finance it;
2. Take the advice who say you can find a synthetic that will make you look good and that is within your means;
3. Find a different means of covering and change your attitude (not easy...);
4. Modify your way of covering (wear bandanas or beret, let your hair show, etc.);
5. Uncover

Either way, I know what it feels like to feel unattractive and I think you need to do whatever it is you need to feel like an attractive healthy woman - for the sake of your kids and husband.

[attack on a previous poster deleted. -merelyme, as mod]

scrltfr

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 7:45 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

ValleyMom wrote:

I find it fascinating that everyone is completely ignoring the OP's first statement:
I HATE IT.

I believe she is alluding to her deep hatred for covering her hair.

Why isn't anyone addressing this statement?????????

Probably because Orthodox = covering your hair. Many of us don't consider it "optional".

*ducks and runs for cover*

That said, I would be willing to give your sheitels a good dye and condition, and then style them for you. I use a natural dye that will make your wig look amazing without changing the color. It just evens out the sun bleached and faded look, and gives it more depth and highlights. It will have a lot more shine and bounce, too. All of my clients rave about it.

For you, no charge. PM me if you want my contact info. I'm very committed to women covering their hair, and I'd be happy to do a mitzvah if it helps you do a mitzvah.

ff, I think [your] offer is a wonderful chesed.
Btw I too hate covering my hair. I hate my sheitel and because I have a small head I don't look good in tichels or hats. I cant just buy a synthetic again bec my head is small it doesnt look right. I also live in a small community where I am one of a handful that covers.

[edited to remove quoted post that had been edited ... -merelyme, as mod]

MamaBear

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 8:41 am

I have nice wigs and I still hate covering my hair so much that many days it makes me cry. I don't look bad in them at all and I've had bad ones to beautiful pricey ones. But I hate covering, whether with a tichel, hat, or sheitel with such intensity.

Btw, when I only had two shmatta wigs I saved up for a new one and it ended up being an unlucky wig. It never looked right. I tried different cuts, nothing. That was a very low point in sheitel wearing. A $2K ugly wig. (I bought it uncut, but cut it never looked right...hair never lay right)

Honestly, I think this "mitzvah" is a really crappy one. And recent I "liked" STYLE wigs on FB and it's like this glimpse into the NY world and all I see are these clones of women in tush length wavy wigs and it makes me sick. I read on here about it but literally every pic is these women in hair that the majority of the regular world would lust over. And this is their modest mitzvah?

Sorry, it's a kooky mitzvah at this point. And I can't let it go or my whole community will talk and I'll feel their eyes on me.

Happy18

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:00 am

Those of you who are recommending synthetics I don't think thats a good suggestion here. I have never heard of any women in the young YU crowd who wears a synthetic sheitel. Maybe oot they are worn, but in the young YU communities in the tri state area it isn't done.

OP I suggest you either do as others have said and finance a sheitel, buy one at a sale or get one from a gemach. In the meantime it may be worth having your sheitels deep conditioned, or having a few rows of hair added by a great sheitel macher, those things really extend the life of sheitels.

Last edited by Happy18 on Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:10 am; edited 1 time in total

chavs

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:05 am

Op, reading your title I thought, well you can actually do what you want, that's the idea of free choice and I hear that you hate it!

Saying the above, I didnt get the impression that you truly want to ditch your sheitel but really need to feel good about yourself and need a new one.

I havent tried this but have seen that Milano advertise that they do financing on their website. Could this be something to look into?
Personally I spoke to my Rov when my sheitel all but died and asked what to do and he gave me a loan that we are paying of slowly(apparently he runs a money gemach).

I'm not telling you what you should or should not do, thats your choice, but you do have choices. If you want to continue t cover your hair, all of whats been suggested are options. they might not all be ideal options, personally I never saw it as an option to get a paula young sheitel but had to find something that worked for me. To each his own.
I hope you come up with something that brings you joy and comfort on all levels.
Hugs!

MaBelleVie

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:11 am

MamaBear wrote:

Isn't style wigs located in NJ? Wink

I definitely hear you on the difficulty. L'fum tza'arah agrah.

lavendar

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:30 am

Ok I could totally relate ! When I got married my mother bought me two expensive wigs, they never layed right I try to figure it out without cutting but I was still miserable ! Finally I traveled all the way to monsey to some amazing cutter . And left even more miserable ! I was at that point pregnant and gained alot of weight I was sick like a dog and never felt so ugly in my life . I had a gut feeling I was having a boy and I couldn't stand the tought of going to the bris looking this way I had some personal saving &I bought a jap . I gave it a great cut and got induced the next day and had my baby boy . borrowed a dress for both bris and pidyon .they weren't the prettiest but I had no more money for clothes . It was the best QUICK fix ever ! But a year later the Jap was still good but not for everyday It got dry and very uncomfortable I cried all over again I still hadn't lost all my weight and just wanted to wear my hair . Finally my husband took money out from our savings to by a 2,000 wig I had tears in my eyes bec we are in kollel and 2k is a lot for us ! But today I feel like my self I'm not embarrassed to be seen ... I have a very hard hair color so it's not perfect match but ill never have that I'm so happy and never regretted the money !!! U have to feel beautiful it's not an option figure something out this is not "extra" , some mothers gave u some good ideas. see what works for u and do it ! I still wish to have my hair as beautiful as my wig is its not 100 percent me I dream of uncovering it all the time but Im not ready to do that . I have two expensive wigs in my closet when I have they money I will fix them up . but in the mean time I'm happy I did wat I did and the only regret I have is being miserable for two years !

the world's best mom

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:42 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I know a few women, MO/YU couples where the wife stopped covering for a few different reasons.

OP, unless the wig thing works for you (and there are cheap places to buy wigs - sorry but 1000 dollars is not cheap - Ive seen places for 40 dollars, I will go look it up) then take off the head covering. You have to be a happy person, and I may get tomatoes thrown at me, but as it always gets said in such threads, there are rabbanim (I personally dont know any, but there are posters here who do) out there that say not covering is fine.

Do what is best for you. (How does your husband feel about you not covering?)

This is really not great advice to give and should not be given so easily. It says Asay Lecha Rav, not find a different Rav for each Heter you want to get. And happiness is more important than doing Mitzvos? So if I found Shabbos to be lonely and depressing, I could get a Heter to pick up the phone and call a friend? Maybe if there's a Rav somewhere out there that I don't know of- but other people might- who says it might be okay?

The way to find happiness in following Halacha is not by stopping to keep the Mitzvos that are hard for you. The way to be happy is to find the joy in doing the Mitzvos. If for OP that can be done by getting a gorgeous new Shaitel, so find a good sale and buy one cheap. if learning about the importance of covering hair will help, find a learning partner and a source and start learning.

I got my best shaitel at a sale at Jaquelyn last year, for $175. It can be done.

Barbara

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:45 am

RMama wrote:

Because I really, really hate doing it. I am a modern orthodox (my husband considers us to be simply 'YU') 25-year-old, I have been married for four and a half years, and I have tried hats, and scarves, but Shaitels are the only thing that works for me. I must have hair.

Right now, My two tired old wigs are as old as a kindergartner and they pretty much look like mop heads. We cannot afford the expense of a new one right now, but can we afford for the mommy of this family to leave the house every day feeling hideously ugly? I just found out that I am pregnant with my second (HOORAY!) and I can't diet, or do much to improve my body image, which is abysmal, but this added shaitel problem has been wreaking havoc on my self esteem for months. WHO EXACTLY is benefiting from me having to feel like I am the ugliest woman in the room wherever I go?

Okay. First of all, sweetie, you are GORGEOUS. Are you listening to me? GORGEOUS. Pregnant, not pregnant. Dieting or not. Sheitl, tichel, hat or bald. And I know that because I read your post, and you have a great sense of humor, and no one who makes me chuckle can possibly be anything less than Angelina Jolie gorgeous in my books. So do we have that straight?

It sounds to me like you and your husband both believe that covering is halachically mandated. If so, I'm not going to be the one to argue with you. I don't believe that, for the record, so if you do happen to be with me, research and decide.

Otherwise, you DO need to feel good about yourself. Have you looked on luach to see if there's anything that would meet your needs? These are the NY listings -- http://luach.com/jewgle/sheite.....=desc Even ebay might have something that could tide you over http://www.ebay.com/sch/I.html.....cat=0 And hit up the sales.

Bshaa tova, and good luck.

Chana Miriam S

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:50 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

ValleyMom wrote:

FF, that was so lovely of an offer. you have a heart of gold!

black and white

Tue, Dec 10 2013, 9:54 am

OMG I couldn't finish reading all the posts thank god for the world's best mom!!!
Because a mitzva is hard we have no authority to tell someone to stop doing it, am I missing something how could you take upon yourself that someone stopped covering their hair because you said its ok (Dont come after me the amother who wrote it knows who she is) and I read the post a few times to make sure I didnt misread she said if its too hard, stop.
So if eating kosher becomes too hard or expensive can I buy non kosher are you kidding me? Be careful of your suggestions.
And to the op what do you expect as an answer? The only nice thing that came out os this post was someone offering to do it for free for you. I still wish you good luck but no my advice would never be stop covering.

Last edited by black and white on Tue, Dec 10 2013, 10:03 am; edited 1 time in total