Deleted | Imamother

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 6:56 pm

Sure. If they were a fit in other ways.

Some of the best menchdik boys I know are gerim, converted with their mother as children after their drug addicted formerly high flying doctor father left them and was regularly found living on the streets. These boys have such wonderful middos you would think they come from the most inspirational yichusdik family with perfect parenting. I would let them be part of our family in a second if we had matching aged children. They are in fact a part of our family in every other way that counts.

For me, they embody the nurture over nature argument, and the amazing effect of just one wonderful parent, even through bad times. So yes, as long as they are a good person, I would judge a shidduch on the nature of the individual, not their heritage.

Amother because I don't want to publicise who I am describing, anyone who knows will realize exactly who I mean.

mille

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 7:20 pm

Agree with everyone else on the use of the word "let".

That said, I said yes on the poll. My kid can marry whoever they want. They will be, at the time of marriage (presumably), a full blown grown up, and they get to make that choice. They are marrying the child, not the mother, so what does it really matter?

morah

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 7:33 pm

mille wrote:

I don't really like the line "you're marrying the person, not the parents". It's not as simple as that. People are greatly affected by their family situation. And I say this as someone who married a guy with crazy parents. I wouldn't have him any other way, but his parents have caused us certain challenges that would send other people running away screaming in the other direction. My parents are divorced and I have my own issues from that. I wouldn't blame anyone wanting to be cautious in proceeding with me. Whether you are ultra-chassidish with your parents screening out who you're even allowed to meet, to MO going to singles events on your on, my advice is- if the person has an unusual background, you should do a little extra homework and ask a few extra questions relevant to the situation. Don't just go ahead in the name of tolerance, because these kinds of situations come with challenges, and you need to be aware of them and your own limitations before going full steam ahead.

mirror

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 7:56 pm

morah wrote:

Whether you are ultra-chassidish with your parents screening out who you're even allowed to meet, to MO going to singles events on your on, my advice is- if the person has an unusual background, you should do a little extra homework and ask a few extra questions relevant to the situation. Don't just go ahead in the name of tolerance, because these kinds of situations come with challenges, and you need to be aware of them and your own limitations before going full steam ahead.

The reality is that when people meet on their own, they don't ask as many background questions.

morah

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:06 pm

OPINIONATED wrote:

The reality is that when people meet on their own, they don't ask as many background questions.

True that. But it is a wise idea. For all the foibles of the shidduch system, asking detailed questions is not one of them. Well, not if they're the right details anyway. If we're getting hung up on the tablecloths, we've got a problem, but wanting to know more about the family situation and how it affected the person is a good idea.

happybeingamom

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:19 pm

I don't know how anyone can answer this question hypothetically.

When your child becomes of marriageable age who knows what they will be like. Based on who they are then you look for a shidduch that would be appropriate.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:45 pm

amother wrote:

Can you explain what this thread is about?
A non married women using donor sperm to have a baby? Or a married couple doing fertility treatments using donor sperm?

Op here. Both. That's why you can choose depends on how it was raised.

sky

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:47 pm

A kohen male may not marry a girl born to a non Jewish father. it doesn't matter how they feel about it - right or wrong - it just isn't allowed.

so if the father was not Jewish or it is unknown I'm assuming a kohen would not be permitted to marry her.

And if the father was Jewish and a Kohen and the women was divorced I'm assuming it would be an issue for the child, although I'm not sure that it affects marrying prospects (??) . [I know of a boy born to exactly that situation but in that case the birth mother was a surrogate for the couple]

Reality

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:56 pm

Ashrei wrote:

When I first read the subject, I thought you were asking if I'd let my child marry someone who's father donated a kidney! (had the kidney donor thread on the brain I guess) --well in that situation absolutely!

And I thought she meant marry a half sibling! That's why I voted no!

Bruria

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:20 pm

To me it just seems weird when someone answers a straight "no" to this question!! I mean, what if the person was absolutely wonderful, smart, knew so much Torah, good financial situation, good looking, the mother was also a wonderful person, only middot tovot, would the ones that say "no"continue to say no? I mean, why would one dismiss a person just based on the donor issue? Seriously, what does it matter? I just don't get it!

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:25 pm

sky wrote:

It would be fine for your daughters, just not your sons.

I dont have daughters at the moment. just sons.

I am thinking about it and I am not sure it would be a problem for sons either since these children are not geirim. their mothers are jewish so they were born jewish. I think a giores and a divorcee are the only issues for kohanim.

I doubt it will come up but if it does I guess I would ask a rov if it was ok.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:38 pm

amother wrote:

The issue would be if the donor was non-Jewish. A Kohen can't marry a girl with a non-Jewish father. My cousin (daughter of my intermarried aunt) had this issue.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:41 pm

SplitPea wrote:

Guess you would not allow your kids to marry mine either. You know those darn converts kids thinking they are just as good as everyone else!

I'm not that amother, but why are you equating the two? Your kids have two Jewish parents and then know their history.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:45 pm

SplitPea wrote:

Guess you would not allow your kids to marry mine either. You know those darn converts kids thinking they are just as good as everyone else!

No, I'm fine with bt or geirim. That's totally different than a sperm donor or absent father.

gold21

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:49 pm

sky wrote:

That's so interesting... One second, so a girl who has a non Jewish father has a different halachic status than a girl born to 2 Jewish parents? I thought that Halacha only looks at the religion of the mother.